My heart is beating too fast. I really haven't had that much coffee have I? Just two strong ones to start the day, then a couple of instant ones at work.
Was talking to Andrew, (aka Sexy Ex) about ADD again. He hadn't even researched it but said "oh I predict that when you go to the doctor he'll say you're very mildly ADD". Ok then Doctor Andrew, we'll see. He sort of had to concede I might have a point when he looked at the symptoms though.
The appointment isn't until the 10th of May. Is that a significant date? Mother's day or May Day or something?
Oh anyway, coffee. I'm expected not to have had any for five days prior to my appointment. The thought makes me a little nervous. I looked up coffee and ADD (Peter has a friend who lives in Scotland, a place where ritalin is banned, and she gets by with her ADD by dosing up on coffee) and it's common for ADDers to be big coffee drinkers. Keeps the mind a bit more organised, at least for a few hours anyway.
I also wonder how much of this confused order in the brain (apart from hyper-focus) contributes to depression and exhaustion?
I remember ticking 25 out of 30 ADD symptoms on this list when I was 19 years old and deciding that I would just give it over to God to take care of. I may not see 'God' in the same light (or darkness) as I used to, but perhaps a good whack of medication could be my miracle? People are so fucking freaked out by medication. I trot out the same line every time
"so if you broke your leg, would you not get a cast put on it?". The freaked out person looks at you and says
"it's not the same thing". It's not?
I've known severely unwell people who were not on meds, and believe me, it's better that they take them. 'Mentally unwell' is such a broad spectrum, but if we don't have these conversations, how will we feel connected to others? How will we reduce our appalling suicide rate? Is mental illness a symptom of an unhealthy society?
I recently had this woman speak over the top of me once, shouting me down, saying that I had never needed to take antidepressants (this was years ago, and they did help) and that it was all in my mind. Er, exactly. It was all in my mind. Places of pain and unrest exist and need to be addressed. Sometimes exercise, good food, dancing, meditating, painting, wanking and talking with friends might be enough. Sometimes it's just not.
Sure, doctors may be over-prescribing or not looking at other reasonable means of treating a variety of ailments, but that's not what I'm talking about. What if you have tried and tried, and you're still finding it way too difficult?
Focusing on what you love, who you love, what gives you a good old stirring in your heart or pants, that's what helps me. I am so grateful to be free of depression, and if I am diagnosed with ADD, then I can find out what I need to do to manage my life a little bit better. Oh please, please don't let the doctor tell me I can't have coffee. Shit, I have to buy some decaf and start mixing it with my real coffee so that I'm not in agony withdrawing.
I felt quite emotional today. I was trying to explain what 'admire' meant to my students. Respect and like. Or perhaps you could admire some things in a person, and not others. One student made a great joke by mistake
"I admire the New Zealand government!" she said
"You admire John Key!" and we all laughed
"Oh no no no," she said "the other one, the Helen Clark!".
One of my students has a massive bruise over one eye. She is a beautiful young woman, and she has been punched so hard in the face that the colours rising to the surface of her skin are like the brilliant hues of an expensive, gothic eye shadow. Purple and deep grape-black.
These women seem like (oh god forgive me, I'm going to sound so cheesey) beautiful flowers that have been allowed to grow at last. I am unashamedly self helpy and affectionate. I get everyone to hold hands and say things like
"I'm a beautiful and strong woman, and I like who I am".
We laugh quite a lot, and yet there are sometime tears coming to the surface. Today I apologized because I got quite teary, but as I swallowed back the lump in my throat, we all started laughing again.
It's been a really busy but good week. The new place is still a bit of a tip, and I can't get the phone working, nor is the cell phone coverage any good. I'll suddenly get a rash of texts coming at about six or so in the evening.
A friend's band is playing tomorrow night, so that'll get me out of the woods, and tonight it looks like I'm catching up with the Painter.
Might have a wine and attempt to do a bit of sorting.
OOh, and I'm reading "Oryx and Crake" by Margaret Atwood at the moment. I've mislaid the other book I'm reading (a library one and bound to be mounting in fines) but Atwood's offering has me truly hooked. If you like a bit of Sci Fi without too much of the ridiculous shit in it, then this might be just your cup of tea.
Ridiculous shit in Sci Fi: writing like this:
"Zerne looked sideways at the Xyloffer Brigade. It was hard to imagine what they were thinking, their absence of eyes never failed to disconcert him. MeenVo Pileese of the third Nation of Tra asked him if he wanted any moojibiii bars while he was at Cumsucker station number nine."
That sort of thing numbs me over in less than a second.
Atwood does create a whole incredible post apocalyptic (I think post apocalyptic is one of my favourite things to say) world that requires many strange inventions, but it doesn't seem gratuitous.
Well darlings, must be time to shower and stop at New Lynn Mall for a new razor and something else that begins with R. What was it? Knew I should have written it down.
Lots of love
C
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