Oh the Mystery. Adult ADD/Ritalin update.

August 5th 2012

 I've now been taking Ritalin since the end of May 2012. Here’s a bit of an update on what I’m experiencing, and I’m sure it varies widely according to each person. 

Eye Spy

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." - Albert Einstein

The Mystery of Ritalin/ADD

·        A ‘flat’ feeling at times, but now this is rare. I am used to non stop thought and emotion. When this ‘flatness’ occurred, I decided to appreciate it. I think of it as ‘turnaround time’ like a computer down loading a lot of information. This flatness can be a small holiday from hyperactive/confused thinking. It doesn’t happen now unless I’m really trying to do too much or leave too big a gap between my first and second pill of the day.

·        Food: for awhile there I thought I might go a bit mental with food as it was tasting so, so good. I love food anyway, but this was intense,  as if you’d want to fill a bath with food and wriggle in it, turning to lick, chew and swallow mouthfuls as you writhe. This level of intensity has passed, and now I’m so interested in doing things that I have to remember to eat.

This is almost erotic to me: a runny egg with wasabi, butter and lots of salt and pepper

  Eating: I am craving more protein. I want to eat eggs every day, preferably with cheese or more protein. I am eating significantly less wheat and problems with digestion and bloating are clearing up.

·        Weight/Exercise: Without specifically trying, I have lost 4kg. I did want to lose weight, but instead focused on what I wanted to do, not what I wanted to lose. I aimed to go for a decent walk, or bike rides, every day. I usually go every second day, but combined with less wheat and more small protein based portions, I’m getting slimmer. I didn’t know I’d lost weight until I noticed that a pair of jeans looked a bit baggy around my waist.

·        So is Ritalin a wonder drug for weight loss?

Of course it is a listed side effect, everyone knows that Ritalin is a form of speed, it increases dopamine production, yet I don't like crediting that alone with my weight loss. I suppose I'd like to think "I" did it, that it wasn't a drug. 

I read some excellent notes by a guy called Timothy Sexton. He said people taking Ritalin often lose weight 'rapidly'. I don't think I did, it seemed gradual, as did the change in my appetite and tastes: http://voices.yahoo.com/ritalin-methylphenidate-side-effects-adult-5684320.html
Added note: I tried to find out a bit more in regards to food/weight loss and gain, and some people on Ritalin actually GAIN weight. Today I wanted something sweet and grilled a whole tin of peaches, half a can of pears, spooned brown sugar all over it, grilled it and then ate it with yoghurt, jam and cinnamon. Mmm. After that, I then felt like something savoury - soba noodles with tinned tomatoes and spinach, lots of butter, salt and pepper.( I did end up going for a two hour walk though.)

   Focus:  The increased focus is helping me to complete tasks, and I’m so interested in a variety of things and getting them done that it reminds me of what I was like in my early 20’s. I used to forget to eat back then too, but always loved food and enjoyed it when I ate. I remember I used to have my tea and toast, buy six ‘buzz bars’ from the dairy every morning before cycling to tech and eat them all before 11am. Sometimes I couldn't wait and I'd eat them all on the bike ride into town.

Sex/Creativity:  I think there are differences, but to be honest, I don’t know if they’re consistent enough to document. It’s a bit like food. I sometimes feel like all I am is a nerve ending, a writhing filament of light and heat, but I’m not constantly obsessed. The thing is, I believe my sex drive/libido was fairly healthy anyway, but now it might be an energy I can choose to expend in a variety of ways. Sex is creative and so any creative pursuit, for me, has an underlying passion or sexual energy. Then, when you break that down, almost everything in life is somehow creative, and therefore I find I am having the most wonderful love affair with life itself. The way of thinking and being is a form of foreplay. I am seducing myself most of the time.

Doing Stuff: This I am still struggling with. It’s 1.10 on a Sunday and I promised myself I would leave the house and go for a long walk before 12 today. Instead I started to play online Scrabble, then I looked at Facebook (Painter and his friend are currently in Germany, ooh, I think it’s going to be a transformative journey for him), and then I had more coffee, and then I read some articles online, and then … oh time, you fickle beast.

So there’s a bit of an update for y’all.

I was bummed the other day. I got a $200 ticket because my car rego had expired. I had no idea. I got all emotional and felt like a big loser, cried all the way home. Andrew came over that night as he knew I was feeling down. I had already worked myself back into a good state of mind, but as you know, a lovely visit from someone who cares certainly makes a big difference.

Everyone seems to be travelling or planning to do so. I wanna go to New York and visit Becky, and I’d like to do that early next year. Wish me luck ducks, all I need is money.

xxx

No More Sex with the Sexy Ex, ADHD Dietry help and Things.

13^th June 2012

Good morning! Looking a bit sleepy on it.

On Sunday morning I was feeling heavy. There’s something wrong with my left shoulder, and I had no desire to do anything useful. I knew I needed to shift my state, so I did this little exercise called ‘clearing off your mental desk’. It was simple:

1)   Take 15 minutes to write down everything that’s in your head right now

2)   Put a tick next to the things you can’t control and a star next to the things you can

3)   Write down the things you can control on another list

What surprised me was that as I wrote down all the crap floating around in my head was this sudden unlocking of my pain and anxiety. I cried and cried, but that was quickly followed by calm. I wrote down that I wanted help, but I didn’t reach out to anyone for help (something I was basically telling a friend off for recently). The kind of help I want is in small things I think; the conversation that helps you see things in a different light, or someone actually doing the dishes after you’ve made them a meal (as it might take me two days to get them done myself).

Whatever the case, after I’d had my wee sobbing session I realised I was okay.

Oh, and tonight I reached down to pick up a pen on the floor and completely fell (along with my chair) and landed heavily on my left side thus increasing pain levels to a 7 out of 10. No, I'm not drunk.

Exhibition Drive, Titirangi. 16 minute walk from my place.

 Completed Time with The Sexy Ex, and that’s okay.

“But,” you ask “he’s your ex … so wasn’t it already complete?”

Well yes and no. If you’re still having hot sex with the ex on a regular basis, it’s not entirely completed is it? No matter what you say, if that person still keeps saying he loves you and comes around to fuck your brains out, it isn’t exactly the kind of Ex most people are referring to. Whatever the case, it has been good, and I don’t regret it at all.

I took ‘complete’ from something Lisa Nichols said on a Youtube clip about relationships. I really liked it. To say that something has been completed rather than broken, that no matter what’s happened it’s been a learning experience (obviously). It’s amazing how very simple things can feel like such revelations. To say our time with someone is complete makes it sound like some kind of assignment or creation that’s finished, but in a way that’s quite satisfying. Dust off the vibrator. Cuddle the cat. Do not use the vibrator whilst cuddling the cat; that would be wrong.

My ADHD UPDATE:

The week is going so fast. I’ve had some excellent conversations with a friend about ADHD and she found a site with dietary information: http://www.livestrong.com/article/292238-foods-for-dopamine-norepinephrine-serotonin/.

Okay, so it stands to reason that if you have ADHD (or any kind of ‘misfiring’ of the neurotransmitters in the brain) then you might want to take a look at what you’re eating.

Foods that help increase the functioning of one’s neurotransmitters (specifically dopamine,  epinephrine and serotonin) might be worth getting into the gullet.

For Serotonin:

Proteins such as cheese, eggs, meat and plant sources like seeds and whole grains.

For Dopamine and Epinephrine:

Dopamine (which is why dope is called dope) is of course linked to pleasure and reward, epinephrine is linked with focus and response to stress.

Evidently it’s the amino acid tyrosine that really gets the old d and e going, and that my dears, is contained in almonds, avocados, beans, pumpkin and mustard seeds.

Hey, you know how Jesus said that if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could move mountains? Well maybe he meant we should eat more mustard seeds and then we’d be able to focus and get some shit done, but someone misquoted him? 

Fark, it’s so, so cold! I went for a walk this morning and took a few photos along the way; so beautiful, the pictures only catch a fraction of the beauty.

There was ice on my windscreen when I got into the car, and I was grateful that I had my gloves on.

Brrr, going out to see an exhibition with Handsome Rob tomorrow, but if that feels too much like hard work we could always go and see a movie.  It’s so cool to have a good platonic male friendship back. It’s been a long time. We used to just get so drunk all the time, now we make decisions to go out and not drink at all. Ahh, maturity, gotta love it.

Keep moving towards what you like, and do what feels good (unless you’re of the Hitler persuasion). Notice what makes you laugh. Do things that promote joy – you need to strengthen those pathways in the brain. It’s not waffle-piffle-fluffel- bummel. It’s science.

Make a list. Here are a few things that give me pleasure at the moment:

1)I love it when I hear people say things like ‘advocado’ instead of ‘avocado’.

2) I LOVE the advertisements on BFM. They even had one that made fun of people who say they LOVE the advertisements on BFM (student radio in Auckland, NZ). Right now they have one for some music festival in Australia, and the sting you have to listen out for to win prizes is ‘wankermaloo!’ in a horrible Aussie twang. It never fails to make me laugh in the car on the way to wherever it is that I’m going.

3) Online Scrabble. I am a new player but I am already intimidating those marginally less capable than I. People who speak English as a second language usually.

4) Nature. Yes, I’m a goddamn hippy really. I love the trees, the birds, the dark brown worms, the mist on the water.

5) Food. Fuck me duck me, I do think the Ritalin has increased my pleasure in the consuming of food. I don’t mean I need to eat a lot, but when I do, I feel like I almost want to rub it all over my face (but I don’t).

6) Outings: I’m goin’ out to exhibitions, birthdays, galleries, gigs … and for some reason these things keep being within ability to do on very little money. Okay, it helps when friends are kind and buy you a drink or a coffee.

7) Making food for others. Okay, I like food when I’m on my own, but I also really enjoy making simple but yummy things for a beloved guest. Hey, I can’t believe it, but I did see something on Jamie Oliver’s show (when visiting mum) that I liked. Sweet roasted peppers (from the jar) stuffed with a cheese that melts, then fried in olive oil. OOOHHHHH yeahhhh.

8) Telepathy: Okay, this does work best with the cat. Look into her eyes and say ‘I love you’ and then notice she starts to purr almost immediately.

9) Talking to Angels or Whatever: I talk out loud, in the car, (turn down the radio for a few minutes) as if to a good friend. Then I wait and see if any good ideas come up. They always do.

10) My hypnotherapy CD’s: I swear this stuff gets better every time I listen. No, I’m not wanking to it all the time, I usually have it on as I fall asleep and it gives me an enormous sense of well being.

That sucky towel! That's been around for way too long. I think it's older than me.

What’s the point? Well, maybe there isn’t one. How freeing! Isn't that permission to create, invent, relax and love? Yes. It is.