Just Quickly ....

Sometimes you just have to get your plastic ray gun. Even when you're a grown woman.

Hey there kittens,

I'm sitting with Toscat and have just had a couple of very nice gin and tonics accompanied by chocolate biscuits (macaroons if you must know).

It's been a good day.

I listened to some of these audio CD's by Joe Vitale (hypnotherapist) this morning and felt like I got a clear reminder of how to deal with any 'obstacles'.

Vitale talks about a Hawaiian method of healing (which sounds basic) called Oponopono. What isn't basic is the level of responsibility one can decide to take regarding any 'obstacles' in life. 
http://www.mrfire.com/article-archives/new-articles/worlds-most-unusual-therapist.html

You will notice in all my blogs over the last six months how I have struggled with the pain of heartbreak, how I would forgive and then seem to be knocked back yet again. Well I've decided that those obstacles will be my pathway to deeper levels of love. 

This means that no matter what comes into my life I will use it to look at what's IN ME, not as a judgement of a person, event or object. Sure, I will make stupid judgements every day. I am human. Yet I would like to minimise the poison I might unwittingly spread when I fall into a victim mindset, when I churn over pain or problems and find I can't let go, or that I'm becoming cynical.

Yes, I've been feeling cynical lately, and I don't like it. I've always been resilient. I've always taken the knocks and climbed back up, again and again. This last 'romance knock' really did make me wonder if I could ever love again. 

Fortunately, I listened to the right thing today and I realise that this 'knock' was just another chance to love, not as a little egoistic entity, but as the presence behind all that Is. Yeah, I know. Sounds a bit weird, possibly pompous, but that's the best way I can put it.

What I've learned (or 'unlearned') through Vipassana meditation is how to hone in on that 'stillness within' quite quickly. What I needed and got today was that I can still also direct that stillness into pure love and forgiveness - of myself and therefore of anything or anyone that appears to be 'outside' of me.

That's all I shall say for now. I'm back in that saddle babies. I'm getting back up. I shall Love again. And again. And again. And again .... xxx

Bigger Than Belief: death, dreams and knowing

Friday 21^st June 2013

On Wednesday night, or early morning, I woke up suddenly and briefly from a short dream.

It was day time, and I was in the modest home of a stranger. I was standing in a very short ‘hallway’ of sorts, and the white door into the next room was ajar. I peered around the edge of the door, and there was a man standing on a chair and placing a noose around his neck. I couldn’t see him clearly and I didn’t move closer, but he was white and possibly middle aged. He looked around, suddenly very still and smiling awkwardly.

“What are you doing?” I said in a schoolteacher tone. We didn’t know each other and yet there was absolutely nothing strange about this.

“Oh, oh,” he said, and pulled the noose back up over his head, smiling and shaking his head slightly from side to side.

 “No, it’s not what it looks like, I’d never do that.” He kept smiling and I smiled too. I said something like “well you better not be” and stood looking at him for a moment. And that was it.

 I woke up feeling agitated. My thread-through silver earrings itched. I pulled them out so fast and hard that one of them landed somewhere near my bed on the ground. I wondered if it meant anything and immediately fell back to sleep.

The following morning, a Thursday in New Zealand, I went to the dairy to get eggs and milk. I stopped and looked at the front page of the paper and shivered all over.  A burglar in Hamilton had broken into someone’s home and ‘bumped into’ the body of a man who had hung himself. The burglar was so traumatized that he rung the police himself. I told the lady in the dairy but she looked at me with an artificial smile that barely concealed her boredom.

Later in my car, driving and talking out loud to my ‘higher power’, I asked about suicide. Many belief systems that originate in organised religion warn against suicide - one idea being that you will only have to deal with all that suffering again in the next life. A reply to this question came quite quickly as a stream of consciousness, perhaps simply the result of some of my own experiences and beliefs thus far. Last night before I went to sleep I tried to write it down. The writing itself wasn’t mind blowing, but I liked the message. This isn’t all of what came to me, but perhaps this portion will be useful to someone:

We don’t want people to suffer. If belief systems prevent people from committing suicide, then that’s good, but we are bigger than belief.

Beliefs shift and change.

Humanity shifts and changes beliefs, and therefore realities and ‘non realities’, possibilities, other realms …

Some beliefs are useful for preventing unnecessary levels of suffering … but as things evolve you find belief itself somewhat irrelevant. The pure presence of ‘I’ that is in All far exceeds anything you can perceive.

I am named, but nameless.

I take form, but am formless.

To feel and know ‘me’ is to awaken. There is less need for belief - there is instead knowing.

Pure knowing

and

this means that what worked in one moment

may not be right in the next

Remember

 Shifting, moving, flowing

Nothing is static

Nothing is solid …

Creativity flows freely

You are

Productive

And enlivened

You are in tune

    And beyond the structures

            Of belief

Structures of belief are useful

For a time …

And so that was the gist of it. I was comforted by these thoughts. I liked that phrase  - ‘bigger than belief’. I also played around with the idea of something also being ‘beyond belief’.

It has now been a month and two days since I got back from Vipassana meditation in Kaukapakapa, Auckland. A month ago today, The Rooster let me know, via a phone call, that he was choosing to be with someone else. This would normally have shattered me for at least six months. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to having someone be unfaithful to me, yet ‘technically speaking’, that wasn’t the case. I had to keep sitting with what ‘really is’ instead of making up all sorts of shit in my mind. So I thought we were getting back together? Boo hoo, life goes on.

For some reason yesterday, an image of him with his menopausal missus flashed into my mind. I saw her in a long leather coat and ‘shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather …’, standing straight while he shivered naked at her feet, his tiny little plait scraped back behind his balding head. He’s crouching and foetal at her feet, peering up her coat, his eyes shiny and hungry for something he hopes to find.

I felt happy. I realised that they probably make a lovely couple, very well suited. The thought of them together brings no envy, but instead, gratitude. Someone said to me “it must feel bad to come in second” and I laughed my arse off.

“Oh I didn’t come in second. I won.”

Perhaps I’ll even be friends with him one day. I doubt it, but hey, stranger things happen. Like a burglar bumping into a lonely corpse in the night.

May you ‘win’ that which brings peace. May your day be filled with moments that are genuine and connected. May your beliefs be useful and up-lifting. May humour brighten the darkness. 

Love Cxxx

Feeling Queenly and Forgiving!

Wednesday 5th June 2013

On Monday night (Queen's Birthday), it kicked in. Yes, understanding and honest forgiveness, that old bird!
Suddenly felt inspired to do a bit of research on what happens to an addicted brain. 

There are literally massive holes in the brain after long term  substance abuse. I felt a bit foolish for not realising that this was the case.

If you care for someone who has recovered or recovering from a serious addiction, then this could be useful to know. Even if they are really intelligent, funny and lovely, they may have an impaired ability to process information. There are fucking Holes. Not shit for brains - just big chunks of it missing or shriveled. A fruit that's been substance-dried. 



Calm compassion flooded my body and mind. Knowing that there are plenty of lovely people who have brains resembling a dried sponge clarified my view. 

I wouldn't be surprised by inappropriate outbursts from someone with Asperger's Syndrome, and I wouldn't take it personally. Perhaps that wouldn't be the case if I had no idea that they had the syndrome, but with knowledge I am able to respond quite differently to events.
I have a friend who is mildly Aspie and I used to think she was very rude. Once she explained a bit about Asperger's, I started to see the 'rudeness' as being really funny. She also made a massive effort to find out what was appropriate in order not to offend or embarrass people. Eventually she  pulled me up on my rude and embarrassing behaviours!

If you know someone has had a long term addiction, then you might need to do a little bit of research or even join a support group. Find out what might be common themes amongst those lucky enough to have survived serious addiction. It's hard core, but if you decide you are strong enough to be there for this person, it's best to know what you're in for. They might not know their own mind, and it might be because so much of it is missing. Recovered addicts are often the most creative, funny, beautiful people you could ever hope to meet. Yes, holes and all. We all have them in one way or another. Some can be examined and healed, and others might just change the landscape of our physical or mental body forever. We work with what we've got, and what we've got left.

So here it is. I feel free. I feel healed. I wish only good things for The Rooster and German Mother. To wish anything less would be to trap myself in a sad story that serves no purpose. I had a lovely relationship with The Rooster. It was romantic and passionate, and I do not regret it at all. A reason, a season, or a lifetime. He was a season, and now the reasons are becoming clear.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling truly content and somewhat Queenly. Sensations of aliveness, of appreciation. Toscat was tucked under my left arm as I lay back and felt the warmth and weight of the blankets on my body. The rain sheeted down. I was in the library and felt like I was in an aquarium. 

Since Vipassana Meditation I find it easier to make healthier choices in every way. My body is toned, and I seem to know the difference between hunger, anger, sadness and boredom. Fruit and vegetables are more appealing. I have less pain.

 I am also back on internet dating. Yes. I am a resilient one. Last night had a chai latte with a truly lovely guy. Gosh he was nice. I mean really nice. So I enjoyed an hour and a half of incredibly intelligent conversation with a funny, good looking young man with excellent hair and a real job. If there is no more than that, then at least I had that very sweet hour and a half followed by one of the best hugs I've had in a long time.

May you be truly happy! Wishing you peace, deep and lasting.

Compassion and Claiming the Dragon!

27th May 2013 ... It's now been a week and a day since I got back from Vipassana Meditation.

Full Moon at Long Bay, North Shore, Auckland, NZ. 

From what I understand, people find the adjustment back to 'the real world' very challenging anyway. 

Coming back to the Rooster's news (see prior blog entry) was intensely devastating as it was so unexpected.

Before I left, he said he would send me a Dragon (a spirit dragon) while I was away. 
Dragons are a symbol of protection for him and so I took this to mean something quite loving and special between us.  

I felt sick to think that there I was sending him love and looking forward to hugging him, and he was probably already balls deep in The German Mother by day five or six.

 I realised yesterday that I needed to reclaim the Dragon for myself, to be free of thinking of the Dragon as belonging to him. I also know a few wonderful and crazy people who are year of the Dragon. My mother is one of them. Dragon people do seem to have a certain something, even in the midst of burning!

My friend Jacqui is an excellent photographer, and last night we headed to Long Bay and she took some pictures.  I told her my sad tale and exhausted myself with self pity. She was very loving and patient with me. She honoured my grief process, one that has been unfolding ever since the end of January.

I allowed the power of the symbol of protection to be mine as I slipped into the Dragon dressing gown that was originally meant for him. The satin is smooth and cold on my skin beneath the rising moon and whispering sea. I have lost nothing. The love that was shared was real 'at the time' and not meant to continue.

Reclaiming the Dragon.

I felt truly haunted for a time this-morning ... I kept thinking 'he was such a liar, saying he wasn't attracted to her anymore ... and making out like it was so definitely over  ... '
Shooting a big load of ' don't wanna fuck you as much as I wanna fuck her' all over my face seemed rather cruel and unnecessary, as if he were getting a big power hard on from being able to 'choose' between us. To say it came down to where he wanted to go sexually ... and then say he was following his heart? Amazing. Surely he could have stated the latter without rubbing my face in it? I suppose rubbing my face in it was supposed to be 'honesty'.

Then I felt compassion flow through my body. Who of us has never hidden truths from ourselves? Who can say they have never lied to themselves (usually unwittingly) or to others? It felt so clear. Here I am judging what he has done 'to me', yet I know I've also deceived myself and sometimes hurt others. The truth of projection, or the mirror was making itself truly known. I am no better than him. I can let go of this terrible rage and the bitterness that lies in it's wake.

I picked up a red  heart shaped candle The Rooster bought for me when we were together. As I lit it, I said "I feel compassion for you and K. I allow my pain to burn away. I want to let go and forgive. I let go and allow compassion to flow."

I felt free of the bitching and self pitying voice that nagged me.  I felt that I was claiming the Dragon for myself and the wound was now healing. I had been treated unkindly by The Rooster at the end of January, but I kept my faith in 'Love' alive. I kept on believing he would wake up, never suspecting that he would distract himself and awaken in the arms of German Mother.
My own mother looked at me the other day and said "darling, can't you see that he's just a dick?" The Rooster. A cock. Cock a doodle doo.

And so here's to letting go. I keep meditating morning and night. I'm feeling creative and energy is flowing back into my whole body.
Since Vipassana I prefer not to eat meat, I'm strong in the core of my body from all the sitting up straight and meditating, and I'm finding it easier to read people and situations. I'm feeling compassion for myself and for anyone who feels devalued or heartbroken. I also feel even more compassion for those who devalue others, those who lie to your face while holding you close. How on earth can they stand to be around themselves? It must be really painful.

The trinity is a nice metaphor for the human experience. I felt it when I was meditating on the course: 'the son' is our physical experience on earth, the 'holy spirit' is our awakening and paying attention, learning to love beyond self gratification, and 'The Father' symbolises the source that we are all a part of. Dogma ends up warping these kind of simple truths.

So. Life. On it goes. Sensations abound. I shall continue to attune to compassion. To be bitter is of no use at all, so I will keep on meditating, masturbatin', singing, dancing and laughing. I shall find more spaciousness as I meditate. I have found that heaven really does lie within.

Protection granted. Moving on.

The Power of Now and Meow.

"Enlightenment is only a nap away"

3^rd February 2013       

I’ve started to re-read parts of “The Power of Now” (Eckhart Tolle).  I recalled that it was good, and I now find it’s even more amazing than I recalled. I’ve started from about half way through and it really does put everything into perspective.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to respond to aggression, to be fair in an argument and also keep healthy boundaries in place. In some situations, no matter what you do, it seems to fuel the disagreement. If you cry and ask for what you need you’re pathetic, needy and unlovable. If you yell you’re a bully, and if you shut down in order to cope then you’re cold and mean. These sort of reactions flourish in times of fear and anxiety. I really do believe that when people truly love themselves and others then they are willing to work on ‘being’ instead of reacting.

If someone is in pain and lashing out, they are lost in a kind of ‘mind maze’. It seems that the more you try and help them out of it, the more rejection you may encounter.

Tolle talks about the ‘inner body’, to pay attention to the sense of what is within. I’m practising it now as I type these words. I’m feeling not just the physical sensation of my heart in my chest, but of this very light sense of well being. There really are no words for it.

I might be losing something in my life right now. I have reacted as I usually would for much of it, how many of us do. Crying and reaching out like a child for comfort. Perhaps others clam up and close off during fear of loss. Get them together and watch the show!

I like what Tolle has to say about emotion.

“In a fully functional organism, an emotion has a very short life span. It is like a momentary ripple or wave on the surface of your Being. When you are not in your body, however, an emotion can survive inside you for days or weeks, or join with other emotions of a similar frequency that have merged and become the pain-body, a parasite that can live inside you for years, feed on your energy, lead to physical illness, and make your life miserable (see chapter 2).

So place your attention on feeling the emotion, and check whether your mind is holding on to a grievance pattern such as blame, self-pity, or resentment that is feeding the emotion. If that is the case, it means you haven’t forgiven. Non forgiveness is often toward another person or yourself, but it just as may as well be toward any situation or condition – past, present, or future – that your mind refuses to accept. … The moment you truly forgive, you have reclaimed your power from the mind …. the mind made false self, the ego, cannot survive without strife and conflict. The mind cannot forgive. Only you can. You become present, you enter your body, you feel the vibrant peace and stillness that emanate from Being. (page 120,121).

I often worked on Forgiveness last year, and also decided to figure out what a safety net for the heart would be, and how to get one. As I forgave and worked on my ‘inner body’, life changed rapidly and I realise that I am able to process negative emotions much faster than ever before. I also do not lose a deep core of inner peace. It’s there.

If you are working through conflict, then know you are not alone. Take some time to pay attention to that inner body.  Imagine that your anger or pain is being drained away by lots of silver straws, safely siphoned away … away … awayyyyy.

All I know is that this physical life is short. If someone wants to love and be loved, then cool. If they don’t, then that is their choice and their journey. All I can do is respect that, and myself.

May you enjoy the power of meow.

A Mundane Life, At peace with The Painter, Seeing Lisa.

My Glamorous Life

I drag myself to the kitchen and put on the jug (or boil the kettle as you might say in the USA). I stand there in bare feet and notice all the little bits of cheese on the kitchen floor. My flatmate's son eats a lot of cheese. Or at least, drops a lot on the floor. I sweep the cheese, but I don't want to clean the shit off the back inside of the toilet bowl. I may change my mind after I've had coffee. I've thought about living alone again, but if you work out the cost, you'd have to earn at least $600 a week in the hand to do it. I love my flatmate and her son, but you know how it is. The longing for silence. I'm sure there are things I do that are annoying. Maybe worse than shit stains in the bowl and urine on the toilet seat. It's all give and take.

The jug comes to the boil. I spoon in a massive mound of coffee for the plunger (press in USA speak) and I hold the jug up quite high as I pour in the scalding water. I believe this gives the coffee a bit more punch, and it tends to have that thicker taste that I like.

As I pour I silently count to five, as that is exactly the right measure of water. As I wait for it to do it's thing, I lift my arms up in the air for a bit of Yoga stretching. Not too much of course. My body doesn't quite believe it's out of bed yet. I really do want to go back to Bikram Yoga. I know Birkram is the Magpie Pimp of Yoga, but the fact is, it really works.

I push down the plunger and then pour the coffee (also from a slight height) into a chipped cup I wouldn't usually use. I hate chips. Mum always said "bacteria gets into the chip and you can be poisoned', so if anything got chipped when I was growing up, mum used it for pot plants or pens. We had a lot of pens that didn't work, sitting around in old chipped cups. Lots of pot plants too.

Mum still keeps chipped and even completely broken crockery for when she does mosaics. She has never done a mosaic, but the dream lives on. I bought her a book on how to do them. It's probably under a box of broken crockery. Still. One day.

As I sit here (in bed, cat at my feet) I feel the body thirsting for more coffee. I'm thinking of Lisa, who I'm seeing today. She sometimes works near Auckland, and today she's able to meet up with me for a little while before returning to her client, and then back up North. I have a very late present for her. I can't remember if it was a birthday or Christmas gift now, but it's a metal garden fairy. It's actually really nice as far as garden ornaments go (shh, don't tell anyone I said that).

I am looking forward to hugging her tight. I want to squeeze love into her. I want to stop her pain. I want her sister Julie to come through the operation ok, to not be brain damaged or dead as a result. What are the chances of knowing someone with a brain tumour? In the 70's and 80's there were often tv movies about some kind of struggle with illness. A brain tumour would have been perfect. Sounds so dramatic. Actually, it really is dramatic when you look at how a person changes. How a woman can go from being able to work as a sharp tongued accountant, to not being able to do her own washing.

Speaking of changes, here is where you get to congratulate me! I don't know if you realised, but that awful depression I went through, well, it was triggered by shock and disappointment. The disappointment followed quite a long period of other stressful factors, and I suppose it might have been inevitable. Whatever the case, the symbol of this disappointment was The Painter. Lisa kept saying to me "but it's not really him. He's just a vessel."

Karen Reid, the amazing healer I went to, had said something similar, and also that he hadn't tried to hurt me, he just didn't know how to accept love. A lot of men don't evidently.

Whatever the case, I still had this sadness about it, even though I've healed from the depression. If I thought of him, I still felt humiliated. My mind would just turn in this never ending wheel of 'but why would someone do that?'. I came to realise that someone would do that if they lacked empathy and self love. I notice I have too much empathy for others most of the time, I soak up people's feelings like a human sponge. So it's up to me to find ways of stepping back. I find it really hard. I trust people so easily, and even when someone shits on me, I still look at them and think things like "well, they did have a hard child hood" or some such crap. Everyone has pain to deal with. Some are dealing, and some are in denial, but as long as we're human this is part of the process.

Now this is the hard part. Seeing the mirror or the the reason for why I would attract this kind of experience. How to be real about that without blaming anyone, without creating more guilt or fear. The only way I could really find any acceptance about being rejected in such a spectacular manner was to know that all my prayers were coming true. To know that the Super Soul, or God, or Higher Self was actually coming in to play this game. Perhaps angels were whispering "we're going to have to finish this one early, this is more than you can deal with".

What I perceived as rejection was quite likely a gift. With that in mind, on Saturday I had this clarity when I thought of The Painter. I wondered if he was ok. Yes, yes, I know, me and my empathy, where will it all end?

I texted hello, and the upshot is, we caught up with each other on Sunday. And this is the good part. I could see he was intelligent and funny, great to be around, but there was no 'krong'. Mum and I coined 'kronnggggg' as the term for when you really 'feel it' on an attraction level. If you did a cartoon, you might show the word 'krronngggggggg!' emanating from a person's genitalia to indicate a stirring of interest. I looked at him and pondered the fact that we'd had sex, yet it seemed like a lifetime ago.

So we had this perfectly lovely catch up, joyfully free of krong. I didn't feel the need to go on about how he'd hurt me, nor the need to know why his relationship had recently ended.

I remember writing in my diary that I'd give that one three months, maybe six at the most. I didn't laugh, but I wasn't surprised. I even imagine they might still give it another go.

It was just so good to see this person who I'd built up to some unreasonable level in my own mind, and then see him as he truly is. Just another piece of the limitless Love of the Universe expressing itself in Human Form. Stumbling along. Doing the best he can. Like we all are.

Must be time to put the jug on. ;)

Seek Pleasure, Forgive, Dance, Meditate!

Photos: taken about three weeks ago: The Pipeline walk in Titirangi.

Friday 28th October:

Well slap me twice and call me a rabbit moon!

On Monday morning I was falling in love. By Monday afternoon I was feeling rejected and confused. By Tuesday I was broken hearted, and today I'm on the mend! Had a fantastic day.

How can this be?

Well I can't say it was easy, but I just kept coming back to Forgiveness and how that is the thread woven into love and freedom.

I like this:

Forgiving what we have judged and refusing to judge it again, changes our belief of what is real and true because it brings us peace and makes us happy. Feeling unconditionally loved opens our heart to loving unconditionally and dispels the idea that sacrifice and suffering play any part in awakening to the truth of our Oneness. It confirms what we already know, but have denied and hidden behind our belief that we have lost God’s Love. Tom (The Forgiveness Network)

Ok, so I considered that and it was so clear: I really was wanting the kind of connection with a man that you can only ever get from a spiritual source.

I'm not going to get all guilty and weird about it; humans do it all the time. We make it about 'out there', and it seems to me that often people use each other like some kind of substance. It's incredibly tempting to do it when you feel like you've met someone really special and are wanting validation.

Suddenly I forgot to stand back. I was so far into the feelings and really thought D was on the same page. I just couldn't be cool. It was 'pre-moon time' and I'm assuming the amount of Oxytocin I'd released over the two week time span was bonding me to my lover.

On the topic of oxytocin by Susan E.Barker:

.... studies show that oxytocin in females, as well as the closely related vasopressin in males, is key to pair bonding.

"You first meet him and he’s passable," Witt said of the phenomena. "The second time you go out with him, he’s OK. The third time you go out with him, you have sex. And from that point on you can’t imagine what life would be like without him."

"What’s behind it?" she added. "It could be oxytocin."

Since the release of oxytocin can be classically conditioned, after repeatedly having sex with the same partner, just seeing that partner could release more oxytocin, making you want to be with that person all the more, and you bond, she said.

Isn't that interesting?

Anyway, that's just a little diversion. The real path I'm leading you down is about how to handle it if you do feel like you've been rejected. The key to turning it around is recognising the story you're 'making up'; from there making a decision to find a gift from the situation.

I could have told a fine story about D. Oh pooh, I could have really turned it on couldn't I? But you may remember that I'd agreed we were still 'dating' others. So it was me who changed my mind and then got all hurt and upset.

The cake I had to eat was a slab of dry Tactlessness, (would you like yoghurt with that? Yes I bloody well would!) but that's the biggest problem with the situation.

I chose to suffer and choke. Didn't know what to do really. Never had anything like it happen to me before. I'm used to men knowing they want me and that's that. Not after one or two dates necessarily (though that has happened), but usually after a few weeks of getting to know someone.

Anyway, that's all the little gritty normal bits that people worry about and get all entangled in. What I did was look at it from the higher self perspective. I sat quietly and asked about it all. I got the answers I needed and decided I had to stop and just enjoy the gifts that came from it. Lots of fun. Good conversation. Lovely kisses. If the French Intellectual re-ignited my love of writing playfully, then D was about being playful moment to moment.

I asked the Higher Self what to do to feel better about it.The message was clear:

"Seek pleasure, joy and lightness of being. Allow the Universe to carry you. Remain healthy, joyful and centred as possible. Do everything you can to feel good."

And so I am.

Andrew came over with a lovely meal, wine and chocolates last night. He told me I was beautiful. I said

"Am I using you like a substance?" and he said

"A little bit." and just smiled.

Set Yourself Awesooommmmme Morning Rituals! Dance baby dance!

In the morning I did my Salute to the Sun three times, my Pranayama breathing (alternate nostrils) three 'Oms', and then ... yes folks .... I did my second day of 'a morning dance'.

Day 1 of Dance was Blur (on the radio), that 'boys who love girls' song. Had to pretend I knew the words apart from the bit about love in the 90's being paranoid.

Today, Day 2, was AC/DC 'She's got the Jack' and The Stranglers 'Something Better Change'.

Went into the office right in time to be treated to a decent coffee and a few sweet things, did a minimal amount of work and then met Tam for lunch. Op shopped, found a rather too short denim skirt that I can wear over summer, and then grabbed some wine for the weekend.

Rachalle's making me din dins tonight, then we have a few options. A bar opening. A party at Imogen's; she's turning 26 and the theme is Eurotrash. Ha! I could wear all the trashiest things I own at once, how exciting. Must find my chunky fake gold chain. Pity I haven't had a spray tan.

Lovely weekend lined up too! Got an internet coffee date tomorrow (he lives on the Shore) so I'll stop in Takapuna to see him before catching up with Ma. Gonna hang with da mamma and probably observe people with their dogs on the beach; one of our favourite things to do.

Andrew showed me why I wasn't able to burn CD's properly, so now that's all sorted I'm very happy. Burned The Stranglers, some Cocteau Twins and created a fine assortment this morning.

There are a couple of old Frank Black songs I've really enjoyed again, all these years on. One is The Vanishing Spies. Fuck knows exactly what he's on about, I create my own meaning, sometimes it's just the feeling that goes with the sound of the song anyway ...

Give me a blip

And I'll totally flip

Say it's nothing but sky

And I'll be a lonely guy

The vanishing spies

just something I read

Now there were two eyes

sent out from the head

and all that was said

was that is just how some things do not materialize ...

Yes indeed Frank, I get you on the blip. Some sign of life out there ay? Ok, the other one, off the same album (entire album only has a few goodies on it) is Speedy Marie. This is so good, it brings a tear to my eye.

Juxtaposed in each moment’s sight

Everything that I ever saw

And my one delight

Nothing can strike me in such awe

Mouth intricate shapes the voice that speaks

Always it will soothe

Rarer none are the precious cheeks

Is the size of each sculpted tooth

Each lip and each eye

Wise is the tongue, wet of perfect thought

And softest neck where always do I

Lay my clumsy thoughts

She is that most lovely art

Happy are my mind and my soul and my heart

How lovely is that!? God!

Wise is the tongue, wet of perfect thought. Mmm. Very nice.

Have a stunning weekend, be kind to yourself, and if you can't be kind to yourself, buy a really cool whip!

Strange Tuesday

Tuesday blog

Well my pretty ponies,

I had grand intentions of going to yoga tonight, but I spent too long at the office in New Market, got hungry and had to have burger fuel.

The new earlier start out at Takanini mean I have to be Miss Early Pants at bed time.

At Burgerfuel, I sat waiting on a stool looking out the window. A skinny young guy, around 20, with bad teeth smiled at me through the window and asked

"can I have a conversation with you?".

"You can try" I replied.

He came inside and lurched too close to me.

"Can I have conversation with you?" his breath was of the alco-pop variety.

"As I said, you can try, but when my food comes I want to eat alone."

I asked what he’d been drinking. He named something I’d never heard of.

"Ok," he said "give me a topic to talk about".

"Ok, the nature of reality. Are we really here or is it all an illusion? Have we created it?"

"Ah, it's real. God made it, and he made Adam, and then Eve was made out of his left rib and that was near his heart."

He continued in this vein.

"So were you raised Christian?" I asked

"Yeah, yeah I was."

"Have you ever thought about how people in churches might take things like biblical mythologies and distort them for their own need for power?"

"Nah. Nah I haven't thought of that."

His curly haired friend proffered a stubby butt of ciggarette towards the window that separated us.

"Nah, nah, I don't wanit" said Drunk Bible Boy. His friend smoked the last of his tailor made and then came inside. He didn’t say anything, but he was smiley and his eyes were bloodshot.

A couple of good looking young guys walked past and Drunk Boy shot them a look saying

“see that cunt, that brown guy, well once when I was playing video games he came up to me and he had piss on his hands and he wiped them on my face because I wouldn’t give him any alcohol. I woulda ... he’s lucky he’s related to a friend of mine, I woulda ...”, he lightly punches his fist into the palm of his other hand.

I agreed it wasn’t good, having someone wipe piss on your face. Not nice at all.

His friend sat and listened, not saying a word, still with a goony smile on his face.

My food arrived.

“Well, I’d like to eat alone now.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” he put his hand on my knee, “sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. You asked if you could have a conversation with me and I agreed.”

“The truth is,” he leaned in too close to whisper to me,

“I came to talk to you because I haven’t had sex for nine months.”

I smiled.

“Well I’m actually old enough to be your mother, and I had sex this weekend.”

He registered surprise only briefly before quickly gathering his thoughts.

“Nah, nah, well how old are you?”

“I’m forty.”

“Oh, oh, ah, well,” (shit, that’s a bit older than he anticipated)

“ ... that is ... well I am used to being with older women you see”

“And now it’s hard to go back because older women are good and know what they’re doing?”

“Yes! Yes that’s right.”

“Well I wish you luck, and just have a good toss every morning in the meantime.”

“But a toss isn’t as good.”

“Well of course not, but it does.”

“yeah, yeah ...” he said sadly and then said his goodbyes.

They stood outside for far too long and I tried not to look at them. Wanted to eat my burger in peace. Eventually they toddled off and I waved goodbye.

So that was my strange little Burger Fuel story. I should have gone home and got my yoga gear on. I could be doing downward facing dogs right now. Ah well, at least I did a good lot of walking today.

I’m so tired though, and on Friday I’ll go to the doc and find out if I’m low in iron or if it’s just my constitution.

I’m continuing to see David and find it hard to believe we’ve only known each other a week. What I like is that we can talk about almost anything and we occasionally will break into song together. It’s a pity I’m not on the FSO site as I miss reading him.

I went off as I’d decided I needed a rest from it, but I’d already agreed to meet David. Maybe I should go back on, seems imbalanced to date someone who is still taking part of that medium when I'm not, and obviously we're just getting to know each other.

God I love words. Tam has written me some fantastic emails lately and it’s like medicine in mind. She was incredible like that when I was in Korea. I think we sometimes emailed each other three or more times a day! So often our emails centred on developing a sense of self that wasn’t dependent on anyone else.

On the topic of forgiveness I’ve realised how entwined it is with everything.

It’s now Day 10 (missed a few) of forgiveness and on day 9 I looked at how forgiveness is this release from guilt, and that a release from guilt is the expansion of love and freedom.

I also need to get back into my crazy positivity vibe again, where I write down things I’m grateful for every morning. Tieneke and I walked up to the village this morning and talked about such things over coffee. If I were to make such a list now it might go like this:

I am grateful for my eyes, for my yes, for good coffee and kisses. I am grateful for my peace of mind, dark chocolate, and how ... even though it isn’t always easy ... how much I feel, feel, feel.

I bow my higher self to you all. I am more than this body. I am here to learn. It's ok.