Doc With-holding Medication ... know your rights?

19th Septmember 2012 (With comments edited in at a later date)

Last Wednesday I started to run low on my Ritalin. I didn't mind because I knew my prescription was arriving in the post any day.

By Friday I was agitated. I usually take two tablets a day, and now I only had a two left and was biting them in half, making do with quarter of my usual medication. I got a little letter in the mail, saw it was from Dr Hanne's office, didn't open it, took it straight to the chemist with a sense of relief. Relief vanished quickly once I opened it.

The bill was for $103. Weird, my doc apt cost $35 with a community services card, so I couldn't fathom where this additional charge came from. I was devastated. Being Friday, it meant I'd have to go without medication for at least another two or three days, and I felt bananas as it was. To suddenly withdraw from any medication isn't a good idea, and for a doctor's office to do so without any prior warning seemed incredibly unethical. It actually felt like I was being punished!

Of course, I rang and left a message telling them so. I ranted. I raved. I cried. Later I left another message specifically for the nurse explaining that I was feeling terrible and sorry for leaving such a full on message, but it was a shock to suddenly have medication ceased without warning. I did not swear, and everything I said I'd still stand by, but it seems that the receptionist took it personally and I don't think she's passed the messages on.

On Monday I rang. Then I emailed, apologised that my phone calls were so emotional, said I could pay off some of my bill, but please, please send my prescription. On Tuesday I emailed again. No response at all.

 Receptionist:

Today (Wednesday) I finally got a call from the receptionist and boy was it a doozy. She was one angry and embittered woman. She started her cold and clipped tirade with a level of contempt and condescension that must have taken many years to perfect. I was trying to get ready to go to my teaching and didn't want to be late, but my stomach was churning even before I picked up the phone. She told me in a tone you'd reserve for criminal imbeciles that 

"you don't know how the real world works, so let me give you a lesson Can-dis!"

I sort of laughed and said I didn't feel she needed to speak to me that way. It seemed incredible that she wasn't calling to apologise for my unnecessary distress and kindly explain what had happened.

"Hey," I said, " I'm sorry my phone messages were so full on, but it's real shock to the system to suddenly have my medication stopped without any warning. You do understand ADHD don't you?"
Her tone was scathing ...

"Yes. I do. Your email was also very over the top. Very colourful. You need to LISTEN Can-dis. You need to listen. Are you going to listen Can-dis?"

"It's Can-deese, and yes, I'm listening ... " but I was thinking that this woman has no understanding or compassion at all. She seemed to be offended by my email, one not addressed to her. It was for Dr Hanne and the nurse to view, and there was nothing offensive about it. She repeated a number of times that I didn't know how the REAL WORLD worked, and in the meantime I felt a bout of diarrhea coming on. It was gettin' real. 

I tried to interrupt to say I had to go (quite literally) but she wouldn't let me finish sentences. What she was dying to tell me was that they have 1000 patients at that doctor's surgery, that it costs MONEY to PAY the people who are EMPLOYED at that surgery. I think she was angry that I'm on a benefit. It seemed she thought I needed to know about people WORKING and being EMPLOYED. I only think that because she stressed these words so much. She had absolutely no concern for my state of mind. In a voice dripping with hate she informed me that it did cost $17 to send out my script each time I got my medication.

 Oh. I didn't know that.

"How could you NOT know that? It's on the bill every time you get your prescription!"

Er, because it's never happened to me before? In my experience, I've never ever paid $17 a month in addition to the cost of the actual medication. I've been going to The People's Centre for more than 10 years and they only charge $16.50 for an actual doctor's appointment. Even when I was on anti-depressants about 8 years ago, I only ever paid for the cost of them and of the appointment every 3 to 6 months. I didn't get to explain any of this because whenever I tried to speak she would cut in with ...

"are you going to listen? You need to LISTEN Can-dis."

I thought $17 was the amount you paid for the prescription if you didn't have a community services card, and didn't think it was anything to do with me. Instead of agreeing that it had been a misunderstanding, she seemed further enraged.

She couldn't let it go. She wanted to go on and on about how I had to learn, that if I wanted to still go to those offices then I better start listening and learning. Problem was, I really had to attend to the rather urgent matter of my bowels, and I wanted to get to my teaching job in time. I tried to explain that I did have to go, but I felt black mailed. If I could LISTEN and LEARN from her (shut  up and let yourself be bullied) then she MIGHT send out my prescription ... but ... my tummy ...

"Look, it sounds like it's really busy there for you, but I do have to go or I'll be late .."

And she interrupted AGAIN!

"Can-dis," she made my name sound vile, "Are you going to listen? Are you going to listen?!"

"Well I would, but I don't like the way you're speaking to me and I'm going to be .."

"Well if you're not going to listen you'd better think about whether you want to come to this practice! You need to learn about the REAL WORLD."

"Oh my god" I groaned, feeling so horrible as I sat down on the loo, phone in one hand.
Trying to listen to someone being so condescending was hard work.

"That's it" she said, and hung up.

Shaking, I attended to the urgent matter at hand. I realised I couldn't teach this morning, I was absolutely exhausted and felt like I'd been dealing with one of those nasty sort of teachers from high school. Mrs White or Mr Lisette from Takapuna Grammar in the 80's. They were those stoney eyed sorts, autocratic and compassion free. Probably had posters of Thatcher and wished they could continue to administer corporal punishment.

(Post Note: In the following blog entry you'll see that we did eventually come to an understanding. What I had failed to recognise was that she had felt bullied by my original message (left on the answerphone) and sincerely did feel the need to 'teach me' how to behave in a more appropriate manner. She also believes that suddenly coming off Ritalin would have absolutely no side effects "because it's not like an antidepressant". The leaflet inside warns that suddenly ceasing it can result in depression, and if you do even rudimentary research it's clear that coming off it suddenly is not advised. She told me that my reaction was just anxiety, not a result of ceasing meds. I do agree that my handling of the situation was not ideal. Probably because I was having a panic attack, and one that I think was pronounced by having my medication suddenly withdrawn!

I found a forgotten tablet in a handbag yesterday, and I'm hoping I'll find more. This is not a good place to be in. Going off so suddenly is like being hit by a truck of exhaustion and high emotion. when I started taking Ritalin they upped my dose slowly, and then here I am coming off 40mg a day without any kind of graduation in the process. 

Why on earth would they not send out advance warning? Surely it's not that hard. Something like "In case you did not realise, you do owe (whatever the amount it) for the cost of posting prescriptions which is $17 each time. This has now been unpaid for (whatever period of time) and we need to to pay a minimum of (amount) before we can send your next prescription. Please call or email to let us know how much you will be paying as soon as possible."

I'm not even a doctor or a receptionist, yet if I were working with ADHD people, I would send out a warning before cutting them off! It seems so logical.

So what to do?

I've made an appointment with The People's Centre and am hoping to the great gods that they will be able to get my prescription from now on. I may have to wait awhile before the People's Centre can get the Ritalin, if they can at all. From what I understand a doctor has to apply for special permission to prescribe it. It is strictly controlled to prevent abuse.

Post Note: I need to find out about other 'brands' of 'Ritalin', a friend advised that Ritalin is just the brand name and it's possible I can get my prescription filled somewhere else. In the meantime, I do feel like I've learned more about diplomacy from this experience.

 The Health and Disability Commissioner (phone 373 1060)

• 1) Are doctors allowed to cease medications because you are behind in your bill?

• 2)Is the receptionist allowed to speak to me like I'm shit?

• 3)Shouldn't I have been given advance warning that the bill was overdue?

• 4)Can I get my medication elsewhere, and when?

POST NOTE: If I want to fight a battle because the receptionist did not communicate effectively and with held my prescription with out warning, then I can go for it. Fact is, I'm too tired to do that. I just want my prescription.

Take a look at what the website says regarding The Code of Rights in Clause 2:

The Code (summary)

Clause 1

This establishes the duties and obligations of providers to comply with the Code, to ensure they promote awareness of it to consumers and enable consumers to exercise their rights.

Clause 2

This details the ten rights of consumers and the duties of providers.

Right 1: the right to be treated with respect

Right 2: the right to freedom from discrimination, coercion, harassment, and exploitation

Right 3: the right to dignity and independence

Right 4: the right to services of an appropriate standard

Right 5: the right to effective communication

Right 6: the right to be fully informed

Right 7: the right to make an informed choice and give informed consent

Right 8: the right to support

Right 9: rights in respect of teaching or research

Right 10: the right to complain

The Code of Rights makes it clear that the receptionist has really crossed the line. She spoke to me with blatant contempt and could not explain why I had not been given warning that my medication was being cut off. I was not fully informed, the services were of poor standard as she did not return my communication until Wednesday. She could have easily replied to my email with one sentence. Something like "The extra cost was due to (blah blah) and we're sorry you are feeling so awful. We thought you knew how our system worked, so we apologise for the distress caused. We will of course send out your prescription as soon as possible, please do let us know how much you can pay this week."

See, that wouldn't be hard would it? 

Well I look forward to updating you on this. I think it's going to be more important than ever before to stand up for ourselves in a climate that's encouraging anger towards beneficiaries. It seriously is not the cushy ride many employed people seem to think it is. It's a safety net for people who are struggling, and if doctors start to put the boot in, I dread to think what could happen to people who are seriously ill. Are we going to become like The States? I hope not. I really hope not.

On the up side:
The trees are looking good outside, the birds are singing and I am loved. Life is good. :)

post note: the trees are looking so good that I cannot put up a fight. See next blog entry ....

In the end, it is better to assume that someone might have their own reasons for behaving in a way that causes stress to others. The receptionist was genuinely trying to communicate that the doctor's offices are busy, there just isn't time to deal with people having emotional blow outs. So I understand her point, and I imagine she is a doctor's receptionist because she cares about people, but it's easy to get overworked and feel unappreciated in that setting. Her world and mine may not have a lot in common, but at least we ended up finding a way to be civil.

Oh the Mystery. Adult ADD/Ritalin update.

August 5th 2012

 I've now been taking Ritalin since the end of May 2012. Here’s a bit of an update on what I’m experiencing, and I’m sure it varies widely according to each person. 

Eye Spy

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." - Albert Einstein

The Mystery of Ritalin/ADD

·        A ‘flat’ feeling at times, but now this is rare. I am used to non stop thought and emotion. When this ‘flatness’ occurred, I decided to appreciate it. I think of it as ‘turnaround time’ like a computer down loading a lot of information. This flatness can be a small holiday from hyperactive/confused thinking. It doesn’t happen now unless I’m really trying to do too much or leave too big a gap between my first and second pill of the day.

·        Food: for awhile there I thought I might go a bit mental with food as it was tasting so, so good. I love food anyway, but this was intense,  as if you’d want to fill a bath with food and wriggle in it, turning to lick, chew and swallow mouthfuls as you writhe. This level of intensity has passed, and now I’m so interested in doing things that I have to remember to eat.

This is almost erotic to me: a runny egg with wasabi, butter and lots of salt and pepper

  Eating: I am craving more protein. I want to eat eggs every day, preferably with cheese or more protein. I am eating significantly less wheat and problems with digestion and bloating are clearing up.

·        Weight/Exercise: Without specifically trying, I have lost 4kg. I did want to lose weight, but instead focused on what I wanted to do, not what I wanted to lose. I aimed to go for a decent walk, or bike rides, every day. I usually go every second day, but combined with less wheat and more small protein based portions, I’m getting slimmer. I didn’t know I’d lost weight until I noticed that a pair of jeans looked a bit baggy around my waist.

·        So is Ritalin a wonder drug for weight loss?

Of course it is a listed side effect, everyone knows that Ritalin is a form of speed, it increases dopamine production, yet I don't like crediting that alone with my weight loss. I suppose I'd like to think "I" did it, that it wasn't a drug. 

I read some excellent notes by a guy called Timothy Sexton. He said people taking Ritalin often lose weight 'rapidly'. I don't think I did, it seemed gradual, as did the change in my appetite and tastes: http://voices.yahoo.com/ritalin-methylphenidate-side-effects-adult-5684320.html
Added note: I tried to find out a bit more in regards to food/weight loss and gain, and some people on Ritalin actually GAIN weight. Today I wanted something sweet and grilled a whole tin of peaches, half a can of pears, spooned brown sugar all over it, grilled it and then ate it with yoghurt, jam and cinnamon. Mmm. After that, I then felt like something savoury - soba noodles with tinned tomatoes and spinach, lots of butter, salt and pepper.( I did end up going for a two hour walk though.)

   Focus:  The increased focus is helping me to complete tasks, and I’m so interested in a variety of things and getting them done that it reminds me of what I was like in my early 20’s. I used to forget to eat back then too, but always loved food and enjoyed it when I ate. I remember I used to have my tea and toast, buy six ‘buzz bars’ from the dairy every morning before cycling to tech and eat them all before 11am. Sometimes I couldn't wait and I'd eat them all on the bike ride into town.

Sex/Creativity:  I think there are differences, but to be honest, I don’t know if they’re consistent enough to document. It’s a bit like food. I sometimes feel like all I am is a nerve ending, a writhing filament of light and heat, but I’m not constantly obsessed. The thing is, I believe my sex drive/libido was fairly healthy anyway, but now it might be an energy I can choose to expend in a variety of ways. Sex is creative and so any creative pursuit, for me, has an underlying passion or sexual energy. Then, when you break that down, almost everything in life is somehow creative, and therefore I find I am having the most wonderful love affair with life itself. The way of thinking and being is a form of foreplay. I am seducing myself most of the time.

Doing Stuff: This I am still struggling with. It’s 1.10 on a Sunday and I promised myself I would leave the house and go for a long walk before 12 today. Instead I started to play online Scrabble, then I looked at Facebook (Painter and his friend are currently in Germany, ooh, I think it’s going to be a transformative journey for him), and then I had more coffee, and then I read some articles online, and then … oh time, you fickle beast.

So there’s a bit of an update for y’all.

I was bummed the other day. I got a $200 ticket because my car rego had expired. I had no idea. I got all emotional and felt like a big loser, cried all the way home. Andrew came over that night as he knew I was feeling down. I had already worked myself back into a good state of mind, but as you know, a lovely visit from someone who cares certainly makes a big difference.

Everyone seems to be travelling or planning to do so. I wanna go to New York and visit Becky, and I’d like to do that early next year. Wish me luck ducks, all I need is money.

xxx

Ritalin, Aropax, Julie Lived, Remembering Aunty Sandy.

June 2^nd 2012

 Ritalin and Doing What Works!

She gazed into the distance and considered buying more ineffectual solar lights for the stairway.

Okay, so I started the Ritalin on the 23^rd of May. Since then I’ve noticed that I function fairly well for about three or four hours, but I crash really hard at lunchtime.  When I say ‘function fairly well’, it’s not like I’m super charged, but there does seem to be an increased level of clarity.

 The ‘crash’ is something that happens anyway, but usually I can’t predict when it will occur. It’s not a misery crash, it’s just exhaustion.  Without Ritalin I think what usually happens is that I can be quite go-go-go, then I might have a day where I want to do nothing but sleep, but I can’t predict when I’ll feel like that. Now I notice that I want to sleep as soon as I’ve had lunch, preferably for an hour or more. I am then sluggish until around five or six pm.

 I do get really thirsty and there have been headaches (these are expected side effects).

Orgasms are different too; instead of building up to one massive explosion, I tend to go for a series of smaller ones that are still satisfying. That’s quite different from my experience on an antidepressant called aropax (paroxetine).

I took aropax to assist in healing from a major depression when I was around 33. I’d done all I could think of, but I was still crying every day, even after a month. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t even drink coffee. I lived on green tea and toast. People told me I looked great. I collapsed in the shower dry retching with grief, only I had nothing to bring up. Why am I revealing so much? Why not? It might help you, or it might help you understand someone you love.

The side effects of aropax were awful for the first three weeks (continual migraine).  The most frustrating side effect was the difficulty in achieving orgasm.  I could still get there, but it was bloody hard work. I stopped crying after two days though; there was a relief from the pain, and that made it worth it. Aropax was very difficult to stop taking; I had to do it really gradually. One of the first things you’ll notice if you’re reducing your aropax is that your orgasms get stronger again, and yes, you do feel a little more vulnerable, but you also feel happiness in a greater capacity.

Why go on about orgasms? Coming provides stress relief, it’s free, close to hand, and very life affirming. How wonderful that we can all play with ourselves. I’m really grateful for that.

Anyway, back to Ritalin …

I can make a mistake and not feel the same level of anxiety and guilt. Like, I’m always late and feel really bad about it. The only way to avoid lateness is to lie to myself about what time I have to be somewhere, and if I can combine that helpful lie with routine, all the better.

 I am rarely late for work now, but when I was five minutes late the other day, I didn’t sweat it. I said “Sorry I’m a bit late”, but I didn’t think  “oh my god, people are going to think I don’t care about them, they’re going to think I’m egotistical and slack, they’re going to think I just swan around not caring …”

The admin woman said “and don’t be late tomorrow” as I left. I just smiled and said I’d try not to be, but I didn’t feel alarmed or the need to over-explain. The fact is, road works are creating delays on Rosebank Rd, something I would normally have told her as soon as I got in the door.

I’ve left a message for the doctor, but haven’t heard back yet. A friend on Facebum let me know that Ritalin  is ‘slow release’, so it might take a little while to truly assimilate it and see good results.  

Of course I wish I could take two a day, but that will be something the doc will consider as he tracks my progress.

Do What Works

I was very melancholy over the last two days, so yesterday I decided to do a ‘feel good saturation’. I looked up some excellent EFT (Emotional freedom Techniques) on Youtube. I particularly like David Childerly. EFT is known as ‘tapping’, and as you tap acupressure points you’re able to bring yourself into a better state of mind and body.

So I watched about four different youtube clips that got me into a relaxed state of mind. I did my dishes. I had marmite on toast (thanks to mum who had a jar for me!). I played some online scrabble until I noticed how tense my shoulders were.  I thought about how I really am helping the women I’m teaching, that there is a lot of love shared in that classroom.

Eliza called and we had a good catch up, and then I pottered around before listening to an excellent hypnosis CD (not a porn one, but it would be great to find a tasteful soft porn hypnosis CD for women wouldn’t it?).

I did a little search, but I think most of that sort of thing is aimed at men.

There’s one where a woman gets the male listener to with hold from having an orgasm for 12 days in a row (chastity and cock tease or some such thing). I looked at her website. She addresses the reader as ‘Treasure’ (unfortunately it makes one think of the nappy brand). If that’s your thing, then have a look at Kasha Shakti. She’s into being worshipped and requires your sexual energy as payment. Sounds a bit spooky!

Notes of importance:

Julie lived! They removed as much of her brain tumour as possible on Thursday. Now waiting to find out what quality of life she’s going to have. I really hope she’ll have a bit of dignity restored and be able to remember things  from one moment to the next.

Remembering Aunty Sandy

It’s been 10 years ( June 1^st) since my Aunty died of cancer; she was only 50 years old. She was a really complex woman; bold, loving, angry, passionate, fearful, wonderful, kind, funny, and sometimes scary.  It hit my mum really hard. So here’s to you Aunty Sandy; keep watching over your children, and if you could see your way clear to giving your sister Heather a hand, that would be much appreciated. I’ll also take this chance to say that smoking really did play a big part in her death. She loved it though, even when she was told by a doctor at the age of 40 she had the beginning stages of emphysema. She had that husky smoker’s voice, long black hair, wicked brown eyes.

Mum thought it was cool that we found out Julie would live the day before it was Aunty Sandy’s 10 year departure date.  Departure. The dear departed. The ascended. 

 Have a gorgeous day, and if you can’t have a gorgeous day, then have a cry and know that you are not alone. We're only here to love. Do your best.

Music, Ritalin, A German Movie with the Blue Eyed Israeli.

26^th May 2012

 Saturday

Last night I went to BFM’s (Auckland student radio) Fancy New Band Showcase at the King’s Arms with Handsome Rob and The Painter. Matita also turned up, and I saw BFM stalwarts Ren and Phil (AKA The Spunks),  which is always a bit like bumping into rarely seen relatives you actually like.

The Raw Nerves were on first, setting a good tone with some energetic rockabilly.  Autumn Splendour  ushered in pop with an edge and

Tom Lark  were just gorgeous, uplifting and sort of brit-poppy. I’ve already posted the song ‘All night long’ on a previous blog entry, so don’t be shy about looking it up.

I was deeply delighted with The Boxcar Rattle, it was enough to make me wish I still had my steel capped shoes (the 90’s!) for a little bit of a mosh, only I’d probably have ended up badly hurt.  Those kids were really pushing each other around. Looked fun though.  Loui the Zoo weren’t my usual bag, but I did enjoy the contrast between the high pitched pretty guitar boy and the more English-rap inspired lead singer. Good showmanship, very energetic and … happy.

Monday 28^th May 2012

Ritalin update:

Okay, so my dose is very low. I find that if I take it at 7am or so, it lasts till around 12. The effect is one of clarity and calm, though the initial side effects have been some headaches and tingling lips.  

Last week Andrew said he noticed that I moved faster. Isn’t that amazing, that by increasing dopamine, my mind calms down and I’m able to move more efficiently? The temptation is to take more than one in a day, but I’m going to stick to the prescription and then talk to Dr Hanne about it.

On Saturday I helped mum with a few things around her flat. Little could be accomplished as her need to oversee the minutiae pervades everything. Kept my mouth shut for much of it (which was a challenge).

“I know that I’m not making this easy” she said.

She had a panic attack when I offered to put some things of Nanna’s in a bag for the op shop.  It was old track suit pants and a few tops. She couldn’t do it. She was shaking. We finished up one small project and then went for a walk. We had a really long hug. 

I went and met the Blue Eyed Israeli who grew up in Georgia, near Russia. He looked good, more handsome than I remembered. He gestured to the movie descriptions at the Rialto Cinema and said

“You choose which one”.

“What do you recommend?”

“Oh no no no, you choose, just maybe something with no subtitles because that’s hard for me.”

“Ohhh kay  …. what about …. this …?”

“Oh, I have seen that one. It was very good.”

“Ohh kay, what about this?”

“I have seen that too … I come here every weekend, it is what I do on day off. Script writing , it is what I do.”

“Well then wouldn’t it be easier if you tell me which ones you haven’t seen?”

“Oh no no no, you choose.”

Sigh. I kept choosing. He kept saying he’d seen it. He was getting worried because time was a-tickin’. He stood too close to me and I tried not to mind.

In the end I ‘chose’ a German movie by default (I think there may only have been two options in the end) called ‘Happy Happy’. It was excellent. I was really drawn into the characters; I cared for them all, even the one who was surly and unkind. I found the whole thing beautiful, it was like having a good novel come to life. I heard a gentle snoring. I looked over and my date was asleep. We were only 20 minutes into the movie.

The excellent movie I watched as the man from Georgia slept.

He apologised for falling asleep after wards, explaining that he’d been working that day and was very tired. Oh yes, that’s fine I said. I didn’t really care. He grabbed for my hand as we left the movie. I felt nothing.  I wanted to twist away like a cat being made to have a cuddle.

After the movie we went and had a drink. I sort of wanted to slip away and go and see Tono and the Finance Company with Rachalle, but she’d only told me about it earlier in the day, and I felt I should give Mr Georgia a chance.  He told me about growing up in Georgia, then how it felt to go to Israel, that it was shocking and so different culturally.

He kept feeding me chips; forced romantic intimacy in Newmarket. I didn’t mind the first chip, but then it felt weird. I don’t find hot chips erotic.

 ‘No thank you’ I said as he tried to force the third chip into my mouth. He persisted and I had to actually intercept the chip with my hand in case he pushed it right in. “Go on,” he said, as if he were feeding me a strawberry.

“I’m not actually hungry”.

At one point I felt like we were connecting, that he was actually quite interesting. I allowed myself to notice his nice body, the blue-ness of his eyes, how well shaped his hands were. He engaged my mind further, and my body began to follow. Yes, I thought, I’ll kiss him.

He walked me to my car and then made the lunge. I never mean to be too harsh in my judgements of a first kiss with someone, but this was not a good kiss. I could feel his top teeth through his upper lip. I tried to soften, soften, to show him how to do it, but he didn’t get it. He groped my left breast and I pushed his hand away.

He asked in urgent tones if he could see me again (three times), and in that moment, after kissing, I felt saying no would have been a bit mean.

As I drove away I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and wished I had some water. I kept wiping my mouth and thought ‘what the hell am I talking about? I don’t want to see him again.’ Today I’ll text him and let him know that I don’t see it being a romantic connection (that’s a good phrase when you’re on internet dating too).

The best thing is that it’s completely reminded me to go to the Rialto Cinema again.

On Sunday Handsome Rob and I went to his property out near Matakana and picked up a bed base for me to use. I have now come up in the world.

We had a good little day trip, he shouted me a lovely lunch in this place that sold pottery. I’m not into pottery (mum might have liked it) but it was a lovely café.

Rob’s land (complete with little caravans!) felt really peaceful and sacred. Amazing views out to sea and over the land, it felt like there was someone else with us, a presence. I said that to Rob and he laughed and said it was the trees.

I used to be Messier, and the story of Polly the skinny Posh English Cow.

This is the wee painting I scored at the Helensville Hospice for $5

                                               Wednesday 23^rd of May 2012
                                       The Ritalin Diaries (be prepared for detours)

I’ve got the Ritalin. I’m going to take one tomorrow morning, around 6.30am, before I have coffee or breakfast. I’m excited about it to be honest; what if this really does make a difference to my ability to focus, finish projects and tidy my living environment?

My kitchen/dining area. I know I can change, I can change I can ...

I’ve taken a ‘before’ photo of my kitchen and dining area. I’ve lived in this flat for a month, but the truth is, I could live here for a year and this room would look just as chaotic. I’m really sick of it. I do try and make rules for myself, but other things just keep coming up. I’m going to take another one in a month and see if there’s any improvement in my ability to get things done in the flat. I won’t cheat either, like suddenly tidying up on purpose in one month because I have to take a photo of it.

In my twenties I didn’t give a flying monkey’s rectum about being messy. I was a hell of a lot worse than I am now, and I honestly wondered what people were getting so uptight about. I couldn’t explain it properly, but the truth is, I couldn’t really ‘see’ it clearly the way other people could. Every now and then it would seem obvious ‘oh, the bin is overflowing, I’ll attend to that immediately’, or ‘the stove is disgusting, I’ll just spent two hours cleaning it’ (but not do anything else for a week). Turns out that lack of dopamine is a major factor.

The greatest tensions in flatting situations arise due to housework arguments (or someone not paying rent, but that’s another story). About six years ago I had this posh English flatmate. We’ll  call her Polly. She was thin, blonde and earnest, but still boiling with rage at not being treated well by her last flatmates. She seemed to think they had PURPOSELY put their ciggie butts in her burgeoning garden. In revenge she stole their bookcase and a few other things when she and her nice Aussie boyfriend moved out. 

They were cool at first, but as time went on, her stress levels increased. She had this job that was haunting her. It was something to do with preparing documents to present to doctors on women who had been recent victims or possible victims of domestic abuse/rape.

In addition to the stress from her job, she went a bit funny when I started going out with Andrew. Her face went all puckered up when he would come over, like she had not only sucked on the lemons, but then inserted them up her bum hole and was trying not to show it. I felt a bit horrible, knowing she disapproved of my flagrant disregard for the age difference, but I’d fallen in love, so what could I do? I asked her directly if she found it really weird, the age difference. She couldn’t look at me as she said ‘no, it’s fine’. 

He was 19 and I was 35. If I were a man I guess people would say I was a dirty old bastard, and as it was, I got a lot of the ‘toy boy’ kind of commentary. Whatever the case, Andrew and I are still friends six years on,

and I have no regrets whatsoever. Sure, I probably should have been husband hunting or something, but the heart wants what it wants. Our commitment to each other was quite lovely;

 ‘to love each other and learn together for as long as it feels right for us, and to be honest with each other’. That’s what we did.

This is what I had for dinner tonight

It was so good, I was in absolute mouth bliss

This is: kumara and potato roasted in olive oil with rosemary and coriander seeds dolloped with aioli, half an avocado with lemon juice and pepper, pan fried tarakihi dusted in cumin and rock salt with fetta cheese on a bed of baby spinach

One day I was rushing around getting ready to go out, and I was of course running late. I grabbed my rubbish bin from my room and set it down next to the big bin in the kitchen, ready to empty it.

When I got home, I found my little rubbish bin sitting right in the open doorway of my room.

‘How weird, I thought I’d emptied that’.

Then I looked at the top of the bin and saw that there was a condom packet there. Not the used condom.  Just the foil packet. With a sinking heart I KNEW what had happened. Polly had come home in a depressed rage after a shitty day at work, saw that her happy sexed up flatmate had left her bin un-emptied in the kitchen. Of all the cheek!

I picked up my bin, and took it back into the kitchen. Polly was there.

I said hello and she barely responded. I tried to bring up the bin issue without getting annoyed, but before I could say much she off-loaded:

“I think it’s DISGUSTING that you left that bin in here! I’m SO GLAD you’re having LOADS of SEX, but I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT!”

“But Polly, it’s just the foil wrapper. It’s not as if it’s a used condom all full of come or anything. I don’t get it.”

“Oh gross! That’s DISGUSTING, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!”

( note: the way this was expressed suggests she had a subconscious desire to know, as the last part of both statements is 'know about it' and 'want to know!')

To be honest, things were fairly tense after that. For whatever reason, she seemed suspicious of my every move,  as if I’d purposely planted a condom packet there for her to get annoyed about. God, if I’d wanted to purposely gross her out I could have done many far more annoying things. I felt sorry for her boyfriend. He was so cool. I wonder what became of them? They moved out, her in a big huff, imagining I’d purposely been having great sex and whatever else especially to piss her off.  I doubt her boyfriend was getting any, or perhaps they had to do it with surgical gloves on. You can imagine it:
"Now please don't do that, it's disgusting ..."
"But ... it's just kissing ..."

One day she was blathering on about the housework, and I found myself suddenly imitating her. To her face. This was the equivalent of being punched for dear Polly. What kind of ghastly beast would do such a thing? Well yeah, me of course. But come on, I’d been tip toeing around her tulips for far too long.

Andrew said she was jealous of me. But why? She was thinner, posher, richer, skinnier and had a really nice (age appropriate) boyfriend. She had no logical reason to be jealous. I was probably supposed to be jealous of her. Only I'm rarely jealous of anyone.

From a spiritual perspective, perhaps I was just the mirror she needed? If she was my mirror, then she was showing me the uptight, c-nty side of myself I couldn’t face. She thought I was absolutely ‘horrid’ for imitating her.  I’m absolutely ‘chuffed’ that she is now one of my favourite voices to ‘do’ in order to entertain people. Peter loves my ‘Polly’ voice.  His eyes light up considerably if I start doing that posh English whine.

I really should have asked if she needed some top tips in the boudoir.

 I’m good like that.

Oh, I'm so happy because now I have three friends who can come to The Kings Arms gig on Friday! Yay!

Ritalin tomorrow, tally ho!