Tuesday 23rd July 2013
As
I type this, I can look straight out into ‘the bush’ (overseas visitors call it
rainforest). Even in winter it’s a lush green comfort. The clock ticks lazily.
My room is small and perfect, the cream walls and curtains bringing a sense of
calm. In recent weeks I had the dreaded ‘strep throat’. It dragged on for two
weeks before I finally went to the doctor, got antibiotics, and has taken more
than another week to finally feel well. As a result, progress unpacking has
been slow, but it’s been a joy to have a bigger space to work with.
I’m
flatting with one woman, she’s older than me, has a fine sense of humour and is also into meditating. She owns this amazing three level A Frame
house nestled into the trees in Titirangi. We share the kitchen and bathroom on
the middle floor, but both have our own living room area. On the bottom level
there’s an old fireplace which works well, and it’s been a great pleasure to
light it and stare at the fire on these cold nights.
Ex
lovers’ have been keen to keep my fires stoked in recent months, but that’s
something I have to be a bit wary of. When I say ex lovers’, I don’t mean The
Rooster. That’s one bird that I just can’t fantasise about. I suppose that was
a sign anyway, that all those months of his anger, coldness, twisting of truth,
left me unable to think of him with much passion. Even when I was at Vipassana
Meditation for 10 days and burned with lust, it wasn’t the thought of him that
created that excitement. When I did think of him, I would always see that
strange fixed look on his face, as if I wasn’t really there at all.
To
re-cap, that had shifted when I saw him on his birthday and still felt so much
love. Yet surely I had to notice how it was me that moved towards him, that it
was me who tried so hard to win back the love I had been promised ‘forever’.
Surely I have since learnt that promises of forever
seem to be a seal of doom.
I think to a time when he once texted some
outlandishly gothic sentiment when we were still in the thick of our romance.
It left me cold. It was something like ‘even if I were dead to you I would
still go on loving you forever with my wasted heart’. That isn’t exact, but it’s
pretty close. I remember wondering whether to write it down at the time,
because it was so full on. It’s the kind of thing I might have quite liked and
believed when I was a teenager. For some reason I reminded him about it when we
last spoke, and he denied it. Denied it in that very slow and cold way.
Today
I read about a form of abuse employed by narcissists’ that’s been dubbed ‘gaslighting’.
I don’t know if The Rooster was deliberately trying to destroy me (cos some people do enjoy
that) but I’d prefer to think that he simply wasn’t aware of his own mind or
feelings well enough to be honest with himself or anyone else. I still think our relationship was wonderful and I still think there was a great deal of value in it. It was 'meant to be' and then 'meant to be over'. I can see that.
He
did employ some ‘gaslighting’ techniques though, those things that made me
second guess myself, things where I was going to have to apologize to him even
though he was the one who was nasty to me. Even when he did finally apologize
and admit that he had been a dick (not me as it turns out) he was hiding the
trump card under his sleeve. I remember
asking him if there was anything I needed to know at least a week before I went
away to meditate. That might have been a good time to mention that German
Mother was back on the scene.
How
defensive he was when I cried in disbelief. How cold and calculating he sounded
as he informed me that it was a choice based on where he wanted to go ‘sexually’.
He ignored my comments that pulled him up on lies he must have told me, and
denied it when I reminded him of his ‘forever’ text.
Our
love, once the thing of dreams come true, was reduced to that disgusting phone
call. But he’s right in the end. He did choose the ‘right path’, because I can’t
be with someone who doesn’t know his truth (at best) or who might be
dangerously narcissistic (at worst).
So What Really
Happened?
At
the end of January his adoration suddenly caved in and appeared to turn into
hatred. Literally overnight this happened. I forgave him for shouting and
screaming at me. I forgave him for ignoring me as I cried all night. I forgave
him for ignoring me and making a full breakfast for himself, and not for me,
the following morning. I kept waiting for the apology. Instead, when I
tentatively asked if what was going on, he was cold. The cold gave way to
terrible anger again, as he told me I was a dick to have asked for his
attention when he was tired
Since
that day I emailed him countless times, being as fair as I possibly could be,
continuing to say I loved him. He kept on and on insisting that I ‘just admit’
I’d been a dick. I wouldn’t. I would admit that my need for communication, affection
and attention was ill-timed, but I would not collude in my own abuse. Many
times I wondered if I had ‘just admitted’ I was a dick, that he could then have
‘forgiven me’ and we would have been ‘on track’.
All
I could think of was how much I loved him and that he’d had a terrible
breakdown. If someone has a break down, you stand by them.
So I did.
Even
as he continually denied the severity of his behaviour, I thought that surely
we would work things out. The fact that he wouldn’t see me face to face didn’t
help matters. The only time we did, he softened. Perhaps German Mother had
already moved back into his bed, the smell of her skin replacing mine, her desire
to please him without question too intoxicating to deny?
The
smell of skin, of baking, of a routine they had established over a period of
years. How convenient that she’d never moved her things into storage. It was
her oversized, yellow 1980’s style couch I’d cried on all night. How nice it
will be for them to slip back into each other, into old habits and new found
appreciation of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
As
much as I loved him, a thread of wisdom has pulled me clear of the mess. For so
long I have missed his languid voice, the strange sense of humour we shared,
our love of music, our slightly obsessive desire to watch music documentaries
together. He was a soul mate. I do think that still. But we all have more than
one soul mate, and this was yet another learning experience.
He
says he has followed his heart, but the heart is a most unreliable organ to
rely on in an overly romantic sense. People will do anything in the name of ‘love’.
Kill. Steal. Lie. Cheat. Stab you in the back as soon as it’s turned. It’s all
so ephemeral, the wanting of the heart. Besides,
he had his heart in one hand and his cock in the other. All that beating must
have been confusing.
The
part I identified with most strongly in the gaslighting article (link posted below)
was regarding disbelief. I really found it absolutely bizarre that someone
could love me on a Friday and hate me by Saturday! Ha ha!
What is
“Gaslighting”?
Gaslighting is a
form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their
victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no
longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment.
(There are different phases
described, and the one I’ve copied from the article is exactly what happened
with The Rooster):
The Devaluation Phase:
The relationship has now
shifted into the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has
descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes
decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they
cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists loving words turn to
criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find
themselves devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the victim has no idea
what is happening, and they become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed
with the situation. The roller-coaster relationship leaves the victim in a
state of constant chaos, as if always “walking on eggshells”. All their energy
is directed at defending themselves, so the narcissist is not getting the
positive attention that they crave; this is likely to be the time when the
narcissist starts to look for a fresh provider of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning
with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behaviour, the victim works
harder and harder to please their abuser in the hopes of getting the
relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe.
Deprived of their “narcissistic drug”, the victim is suddenly thrown into
strong withdrawal symptoms.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/
As
interesting as all the labels are, what matters most for me is continuing to meditate.
I have not talked about how he treated me in January as I was ‘protecting him’
(and therefore any criticism of the fact that I still loved him). Bitching
alone isn’t interesting or helpful, so my aim here is to share my experience
with the hope of saving someone else from needless suffering.
The
Rooster’s original abusive tantrum was such a shock. I thought it was a short
term ‘spaz’ and that he would ‘wake up’ and get some help.
I
now share this with the understanding that there wasn’t anything I could do for
The Rooster, nothing I could have ‘done right’.
If
someone is in denial and thinks it’s ok to call you a dick, to scream at you
that they “don’t care” when you ask for a hug, then move on. Do not imagine
that they are simply in need of more love. They may have already taken your
love and used of it what they wished. You have outgrown your use. Don’t waste
time feeling sorry for them. Don’t hang around hoping for that big high you had
for the first four months (or however long it’s been). Yes, you are part of
them, they are part of you, consider projection and all the rest if you must,
but be wise. Go towards peace and kindness. If a man holding a knife was
walking towards you and screaming with rage, you wouldn’t smile and keep
walking towards him with open arms, thinking that with just enough
understanding he might not kill you. You would fucking run!
So
if you gotta run, run!
And
as for me, well, I’m not going short of anything
darlings. I have the perfect place to live and I’m enjoying being primarily vegetarian.
I have reduced my Ritalin (for ADHD) since doing Vipassana, and on Saturday I’m
going to an all day mediation course in Onehunga. I did the one day course last
month too, it felt quietly supportive to meditate with others who have been
through the10 day experience.
The
benefits of doing Vipassana are so numerous that it just blows my little mind.
I can’t recommend it enough. I thought hypnotherapy was amazing (and it is),
but meditating in this particular fashion is deeper than I could have imagined
possible.
Meditating
is a form of hypnosis, and when you are aware of that, then you are the
scientist of your own experiences. You can watch pain come and go. You can feel
pleasure burn and pass through you like a wave. One thing is certain. It’s
always changing. Love appears to come and go. Hatred can flare up where desire
reigned. For me, the only way out is through.
To sit and observe. To be bored. To be thrilled. To think I know it all. To
know nothing. To feel it All!
May
All Beings Be happy!
