Feeling Queenly and Forgiving!

Wednesday 5th June 2013

On Monday night (Queen's Birthday), it kicked in. Yes, understanding and honest forgiveness, that old bird!
Suddenly felt inspired to do a bit of research on what happens to an addicted brain. 

There are literally massive holes in the brain after long term  substance abuse. I felt a bit foolish for not realising that this was the case.

If you care for someone who has recovered or recovering from a serious addiction, then this could be useful to know. Even if they are really intelligent, funny and lovely, they may have an impaired ability to process information. There are fucking Holes. Not shit for brains - just big chunks of it missing or shriveled. A fruit that's been substance-dried. 



Calm compassion flooded my body and mind. Knowing that there are plenty of lovely people who have brains resembling a dried sponge clarified my view. 

I wouldn't be surprised by inappropriate outbursts from someone with Asperger's Syndrome, and I wouldn't take it personally. Perhaps that wouldn't be the case if I had no idea that they had the syndrome, but with knowledge I am able to respond quite differently to events.
I have a friend who is mildly Aspie and I used to think she was very rude. Once she explained a bit about Asperger's, I started to see the 'rudeness' as being really funny. She also made a massive effort to find out what was appropriate in order not to offend or embarrass people. Eventually she  pulled me up on my rude and embarrassing behaviours!

If you know someone has had a long term addiction, then you might need to do a little bit of research or even join a support group. Find out what might be common themes amongst those lucky enough to have survived serious addiction. It's hard core, but if you decide you are strong enough to be there for this person, it's best to know what you're in for. They might not know their own mind, and it might be because so much of it is missing. Recovered addicts are often the most creative, funny, beautiful people you could ever hope to meet. Yes, holes and all. We all have them in one way or another. Some can be examined and healed, and others might just change the landscape of our physical or mental body forever. We work with what we've got, and what we've got left.

So here it is. I feel free. I feel healed. I wish only good things for The Rooster and German Mother. To wish anything less would be to trap myself in a sad story that serves no purpose. I had a lovely relationship with The Rooster. It was romantic and passionate, and I do not regret it at all. A reason, a season, or a lifetime. He was a season, and now the reasons are becoming clear.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling truly content and somewhat Queenly. Sensations of aliveness, of appreciation. Toscat was tucked under my left arm as I lay back and felt the warmth and weight of the blankets on my body. The rain sheeted down. I was in the library and felt like I was in an aquarium. 

Since Vipassana Meditation I find it easier to make healthier choices in every way. My body is toned, and I seem to know the difference between hunger, anger, sadness and boredom. Fruit and vegetables are more appealing. I have less pain.

 I am also back on internet dating. Yes. I am a resilient one. Last night had a chai latte with a truly lovely guy. Gosh he was nice. I mean really nice. So I enjoyed an hour and a half of incredibly intelligent conversation with a funny, good looking young man with excellent hair and a real job. If there is no more than that, then at least I had that very sweet hour and a half followed by one of the best hugs I've had in a long time.

May you be truly happy! Wishing you peace, deep and lasting.

September Celibate.

some random person and dog on a North Shore beach

Yes it's September again. This is the time of year when I think of friends of long ago who have committed suicide. This is the time of year I try to go swimming in the sea and pretend it's summer.

I've now been celibate for what feels like quite a long time. I've definitely grown stronger in my self respect and boundaries. There are other people I know who are trying to figure out what's right in terms of relationships, boundaries and love. I'm getting better at seeing things very clearly and knowing how to choose what's right for me. Men who can't commit are becoming less attractive to me sexually, and I'm really enjoying Internet Dating. I have about 10 men I'm talking to (via the messages on site) regularly, and of those, five get my heart rate going. I've been on two dates, and both men were kind, intelligent and attractive, but not my 'cup of tea'. One of them has still offered for me to come over and use his spa pool whenever I like. Ha ha.

The only thing is fitting it all in. The dating I mean. I do my voluntary teaching in the mornings, and  my part time after school care in the afternoons. I leave the house at 9 and get home at 6 most days. I like having time to do nothing and I'm buggering that up.

So it's dinner Wed with a man from Rotorua, yoga on Thursday, date with a hot guy who looks like a player on Friday, hang out with Ma on Saturday, then coffee on Sunday with a guy who seems to think the sun shines out of my bung hole. Hey. Maybe it does. If you see me and I'm glowing, that's why.

There's also a guy who likes The Feelers and Op Shop, bands I don't have anything against, but I wouldn't be able to go and SEE them. How would that work? Is that a deal breaker? Imagine going on holiday and you're in the car with someone for three hours and they want to listen to The Feelers and Jack Johnson the whole way. I could cope with Jack Johnson for a few songs, but imagine it for an hour or something. Now imagine that person putting up with me playing Tori Amos or The White Stripes. Yeah. It's a deal breaker isn't it? There's one guy in my fine selection of internet men who has very good taste in music. He's one of the 'top picks' on my list right now. He also loves cats, possibly as much as me! He even mentioned cat reflexology ... now that's some deep cat lovin'.

Hey, speaking of music, Morrissey is coming!! Can't. Wait. The more you ignore me, the closer I get ... every day is like sunday ... spring heeled jim ...

Oh in fact I do love the words to Spring Heeled Jim ...

Spring-heeled Jim winks an eye
He'll "do," he'll never be "done to"
He takes on whoever flew through
"Well, it's the normal thing to do"

Spring-heeled Jim lives to love
Now kissing with his mouth full
And his eyes on some other fool
So many women
His head should be spinning
Ah, but no!

Spring-heeled Jim slurs the words:
"There's no need to be so knowing
Take life at five times your average speed, like I do"
Until Jim feels the chill
"Oh, where did all the time go?"
Once always in for the kill
Now it's too cold
And he feels too old

Oh Mowissy, I wuv you!

So Marc ... September and it makes me think of you, of all the daffodils, of riding my bike and crying, of cold swims and your funeral. Playing 'Blue Monday' which worked well, cos you did it on a Monday. Not mad at you, just hoping that people will find ways out of the hole and into a reason to love being alive.

Cos I do. I love it. I love being here.

xxx

Got the blues?

Saturday 16th June 2012
There isn't much I can really say in this exact moment. I feel weird. I know things are getting better. I know I can reach for that thought that comforts, that I can find a frequency that's better for me. It does work. I know it does, but sometimes one simply has to admit that it's okay to have the blues, to feel it.

Had a really good day talking with a friend about EVERYTHING. Sex, love, depression, neurotransmitters, clothes, haircuts. Drank coffee on the deck wrapped in blankies. Ate some food. Drank more coffee. Talked non stop. Drank wine. Very nice.

I am missing sex a LOT right now. I thought I was doing okay, but of course it's not just sex is it? I miss that feeling of just lying there and being held, of laughing when you cross some line together, of pushing someone a little further emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually and having them do the same to you. I am looking forward to being with someone who can accept love, who isn't afraid of it.

I considered going back on internet dating today, but something in  me sinks when I think of it. Pouring over uber masculine snapshots of men who all look like they vote for National and like to do triathlons. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I've just realised I've been mispronouncing triathlons my entire life. I've been saying tri ath a lons.

I feel a bit better just writing this down. I do feel odd about no longer seeing The Sexy Ex, even though I know it's healthy. He's been one of my best friends for six years, and when I was in Korea his love really kept me going. He supported me emotionally through a few other disastrous love affairs, and he has always assured me that no matter what happens we will always have a love that lasts beyond the grave. 

Okay, so I just took a look at the men on the net dating site ... bear with me ... there's a guy with a pirate hat  ... and that might be enough to go back on. For now I'll get ready for Rachalle's birthday soiree!