The Frisky Masseuse and Osho Whirling Meditation!

'Masseuse’ is a funny word isn’t it? Very ‘essy’. Can’t help but think of Dr Suess. Dr Suess and the frisky masseuse. Then your start singing that song ‘Hey Suess where you been?” (3D’s). 

Yesterday I was in a far flung Eastern suburb in Auckland after having a catch up with my doctor about my ADD. I told him about my miserable experience with his receptionist last year (not in great detail). He watched me with bemusement and didn't say a word. I said “I don’t think she really understands ADD. Why would you suddenly stop having 40mg of a Ritalin a day? I know it’s not the same as antidepressants, but I still crashed really hard and had massive anxiety attacks.”

He said “She does know what she’s talking about, and stopping Ritalin isn’t the same as stopping other medications.”

“Yes, I know, I've researched it. But if you have a history of depression the anxiety can be really detrimental … and I have a history of depression.”

He didn’t answer. I could see he was stonewalling me. I didn’t mention the cases I’d read about people self harming and committing suicide when they suddenly stopped their medication. They were rare, but they certainly did exist. It seemed flippant to dismiss my concerns.

“Is she your wife?”

“Yes” he smiled

“Ah,” I smiled back “I get it now”.

I turned and said to the young trainee nurse sitting in on our session

“It pays to keep on the good side of the doctor’s wife!”

Oh how we laughed. I went away with my prescription feeling quite flat and depressed.

As I was driving I noticed a little group of shops I hadn’t seen before. There was a sign for massage (from $10!) so I stopped. I needed a massage badly. My left shoulder has been nagging me again, and I must be sleeping with my head up my bum because my neck is so sore. The massage place wasn’t one of your usual shitty little mall set ups where the masseuse has to try and get to your steel like tendons through a towel and clothes. Instead it had soft lighting, orchids, and little curtained rooms with proper massage tables. I decided on the 40 minutes for $45. The smiling proprietor asked if I preferred a man or woman to massage me. I said I didn’t mind, then realised I did. It was rare that a woman massaged me as well as a man. 

He was already deciding for me anyway, a young man who was very good with acupressure points. ‘Oh excellent’ I said. He was tall, broad, strong and very young. As he dug into my pain with expertise, he tried to up-sell me to the one hour massage.
“Oh I can’t afford it sorry.” I said truthfully.

He continued to massage expertly, really good and hard. There are places on the middle of my back that make me laugh when I’m massaged and he said that happens when your system is really overloaded.

“Yes,” I said “I feel overloaded”.

“Oh,” he said softly and kindly, “perhaps you just need to be held?”

I laughed and said “probably”, but my mind was suddenly going a million miles an hour. Was this a little invite into the world of male prostitution? It would be a good way to do it. I’d only just said I was broke though, so what kind of tip did he think he’d get? $2?

I pretended to think it was normal he’d mentioned it, then after a short while he said

 “Did you know that kissing is also very good for you? People should kiss at least three times a day, it’s very good for health. Hugging and kissing very good.”

I laughed again and said “is that right?”

“Yes,” he elaborated, “but length of kiss important. Should be 30 minutes for full benefits. Releasing endorphins. Helps to live longer and stay young.”

Now I really knew he must be trying to ‘up-sell’, but the whole thing was so interesting that I didn’t feel annoyed. He wasn’t doing anything ‘borderline’ with his hands (like the astonishing massage I had in Kota Kinabalu in 2010).

Fortunately silence ensued. I agreed that kissing was beneficial but much depended on who it was. I hoped that he got the hint; I didn’t want to kiss him. Despite this, my imagination was now on a roll.

I smiled to myself as I imagined that I was this rare creature that inspired such tender lust. I continued to smile into the face hole of the massage table, because I wondered how many other women got the kissing question each day, how many of them hungrily reached out for him? Bored housewives of the East, keeping their secret, possibly passing it on to others if they could be trusted.

When he massaged my legs with oil I enjoyed it a little more than I would have if it had been a woman administering to me. I felt quietly ashamed and thrilled by this. Even though it wasn’t directly sexual it was undeniably sensual. The fact that he’d talked about kissing certainly added to the intensity. When it was time for me to turn over and ly on my back he said “when you turn over, then I can give you a hug?” and I laughed and said “don’t scare me”.

He laughed but did not attempt to hug me. He looked at me with concern, almost motherly (or is it fatherly, I don’t know?). I closed my eyes so that I couldn’t see his unbearably kind, young, attentive face. 

He massaged my face and neck. He stroked hair away from my forehead, once, twice, three times, slowly and with great reverence. He was more attentive to these small things than are most lovers. I felt cared for. When the massage was complete he hovered over me.

“A hug?” he enquired.

Oh fuck it, why not.

So he hugged me and I hugged him back. A firm, strong hug that lasted about 8 seconds. Then, as we disengaged, he quickly enquired “kiss?” as he moved towards me, full lips already puckering up. I turned my head to the left very quickly laughing “no, no, that’s okay!”

So if you’re in the market to be a male prostitute that scores women (of your choice) then I think being a real masseuse is the way to go. Start small as with our man here. Suggest a kiss for ‘health benefits’ and then build up. Once he gains trust he probably talks about his sick mother/high cost of education and is able to get money off the women he services. If the woman steadfastly refuses to kiss then you know you won’t be massaging her vagina for ‘health benefits’ any time soon.

After my frisky masseuse experience I felt considerably rejuvenated. I went to the supermarket for my over-priced gluten free bread, a couple of bananas and a smoothie ‘with Guarana and Caffeine!’. Thus invigorated I drove to Grey Lynn and was early for the Osho Whirling Meditation.

What is Whirling Meditation?

There’s this guy Osho who concluded that most Westernized civilisations need a different approach to meditating. Our bodies are accustomed to a very different way of moving (or even of being still) compared to early yoga practitioners.  We sit in chairs. We watch screens. We’re all bung with stress and imagined worries. We need to let go, and moving in ways that are circular somehow helps us to do so. If you’d like to know more, just google Osho and heaps of stuff is available. There are plenty of things about Osho (died in 1990) that sound really dodgy, but I’m not much concerned with that.

All I know is that whirling for around 40 minutes to music with a group of lovely people was deeply hypnotic. I became still within my own wheel of movement. I felt my face relax into a sort of ‘nothingness’. When I could whirl no more, I finally collapsed to the floor and fell into a deep state of relaxation. My eyes were so heavy. The floor melted up into me in coolness. Once everyone had eventually dropped we lay there for about 15 minutes. I heard my own breath and felt the singing of blood in my body.

The whirling itself is not overly prescribed. It isn’t out of control either, because you want to retain your balance for the entire 40 or so minutes. It truly helped to take me into the ‘Now’ instead of ruminating on any ‘issues’ or concerns. It’s what we instinctively do as children when we find an open space. Spin! The beauty of it? You can do it anywhere and it’s easy. The guy taking the class advised looking at one of your (left) outstretched hand as you were spinning if you needed to. That shift in focus was amazing, it made it appear as if you were the one that was solid and that it was the world that was moving.

And so what a day it was. From frisky to whisking! I woke at 5am and felt amazing. Went back to sleep and rose to the snuggliness of my fur baby. Had coffee. Had toast. On life turns! x

Oh the Mystery. Adult ADD/Ritalin update.

August 5th 2012

 I've now been taking Ritalin since the end of May 2012. Here’s a bit of an update on what I’m experiencing, and I’m sure it varies widely according to each person. 

Eye Spy

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." - Albert Einstein

The Mystery of Ritalin/ADD

·        A ‘flat’ feeling at times, but now this is rare. I am used to non stop thought and emotion. When this ‘flatness’ occurred, I decided to appreciate it. I think of it as ‘turnaround time’ like a computer down loading a lot of information. This flatness can be a small holiday from hyperactive/confused thinking. It doesn’t happen now unless I’m really trying to do too much or leave too big a gap between my first and second pill of the day.

·        Food: for awhile there I thought I might go a bit mental with food as it was tasting so, so good. I love food anyway, but this was intense,  as if you’d want to fill a bath with food and wriggle in it, turning to lick, chew and swallow mouthfuls as you writhe. This level of intensity has passed, and now I’m so interested in doing things that I have to remember to eat.

This is almost erotic to me: a runny egg with wasabi, butter and lots of salt and pepper

  Eating: I am craving more protein. I want to eat eggs every day, preferably with cheese or more protein. I am eating significantly less wheat and problems with digestion and bloating are clearing up.

·        Weight/Exercise: Without specifically trying, I have lost 4kg. I did want to lose weight, but instead focused on what I wanted to do, not what I wanted to lose. I aimed to go for a decent walk, or bike rides, every day. I usually go every second day, but combined with less wheat and more small protein based portions, I’m getting slimmer. I didn’t know I’d lost weight until I noticed that a pair of jeans looked a bit baggy around my waist.

·        So is Ritalin a wonder drug for weight loss?

Of course it is a listed side effect, everyone knows that Ritalin is a form of speed, it increases dopamine production, yet I don't like crediting that alone with my weight loss. I suppose I'd like to think "I" did it, that it wasn't a drug. 

I read some excellent notes by a guy called Timothy Sexton. He said people taking Ritalin often lose weight 'rapidly'. I don't think I did, it seemed gradual, as did the change in my appetite and tastes: http://voices.yahoo.com/ritalin-methylphenidate-side-effects-adult-5684320.html
Added note: I tried to find out a bit more in regards to food/weight loss and gain, and some people on Ritalin actually GAIN weight. Today I wanted something sweet and grilled a whole tin of peaches, half a can of pears, spooned brown sugar all over it, grilled it and then ate it with yoghurt, jam and cinnamon. Mmm. After that, I then felt like something savoury - soba noodles with tinned tomatoes and spinach, lots of butter, salt and pepper.( I did end up going for a two hour walk though.)

   Focus:  The increased focus is helping me to complete tasks, and I’m so interested in a variety of things and getting them done that it reminds me of what I was like in my early 20’s. I used to forget to eat back then too, but always loved food and enjoyed it when I ate. I remember I used to have my tea and toast, buy six ‘buzz bars’ from the dairy every morning before cycling to tech and eat them all before 11am. Sometimes I couldn't wait and I'd eat them all on the bike ride into town.

Sex/Creativity:  I think there are differences, but to be honest, I don’t know if they’re consistent enough to document. It’s a bit like food. I sometimes feel like all I am is a nerve ending, a writhing filament of light and heat, but I’m not constantly obsessed. The thing is, I believe my sex drive/libido was fairly healthy anyway, but now it might be an energy I can choose to expend in a variety of ways. Sex is creative and so any creative pursuit, for me, has an underlying passion or sexual energy. Then, when you break that down, almost everything in life is somehow creative, and therefore I find I am having the most wonderful love affair with life itself. The way of thinking and being is a form of foreplay. I am seducing myself most of the time.

Doing Stuff: This I am still struggling with. It’s 1.10 on a Sunday and I promised myself I would leave the house and go for a long walk before 12 today. Instead I started to play online Scrabble, then I looked at Facebook (Painter and his friend are currently in Germany, ooh, I think it’s going to be a transformative journey for him), and then I had more coffee, and then I read some articles online, and then … oh time, you fickle beast.

So there’s a bit of an update for y’all.

I was bummed the other day. I got a $200 ticket because my car rego had expired. I had no idea. I got all emotional and felt like a big loser, cried all the way home. Andrew came over that night as he knew I was feeling down. I had already worked myself back into a good state of mind, but as you know, a lovely visit from someone who cares certainly makes a big difference.

Everyone seems to be travelling or planning to do so. I wanna go to New York and visit Becky, and I’d like to do that early next year. Wish me luck ducks, all I need is money.

xxx

ADD, Coffee, Work ... and reading.

My heart is beating too fast. I really haven't had that much coffee have I? Just two strong ones to start the day, then a couple of instant ones at work. 

Was talking to Andrew, (aka Sexy Ex) about ADD again. He hadn't even researched it but said "oh I predict that when you go to the doctor he'll say you're very mildly ADD". Ok then Doctor Andrew, we'll see. He sort of had to concede I might have a point when he looked at the symptoms though. 

The appointment isn't until the 10th of May. Is that a significant date? Mother's day or May Day or something?

Oh anyway, coffee. I'm expected not to have had any for five days prior to my appointment. The thought makes me a little nervous. I looked up coffee and ADD (Peter has a friend who lives in Scotland, a place where ritalin is banned, and she gets by with her ADD by dosing up on coffee) and it's common for ADDers to be big coffee drinkers. Keeps the mind a bit more organised, at least for a few hours anyway.

I also wonder how much of this confused order in the brain (apart from hyper-focus) contributes to depression and exhaustion? 

I remember ticking 25 out of 30 ADD symptoms on this list when I was 19 years old and deciding that I would just give it over to God to take care of. I may not see 'God' in the same light (or darkness) as I used to, but perhaps a good whack of medication could be my miracle? People are so fucking freaked out by medication. I trot out the same line every time

 "so if you broke your leg, would you not get a cast put on it?". The freaked out person looks at you and says

 "it's not the same thing". It's not?

I've known severely unwell people who were not on meds, and believe me, it's better that they take them. 'Mentally unwell' is such a broad spectrum, but if we don't have these conversations, how will we feel connected to others? How will we reduce our appalling suicide rate? Is mental illness a symptom of an unhealthy society? 

I recently had this woman speak over the top of me once, shouting me down, saying that I had never needed to take antidepressants (this was years ago, and they did help) and that it was all in my mind. Er, exactly. It was all in my mind. Places of pain and unrest exist and need to be addressed. Sometimes exercise, good food, dancing, meditating, painting, wanking and talking with friends might be enough. Sometimes it's just not.

Sure, doctors may be over-prescribing or not looking at other reasonable means of treating a variety of ailments, but that's not what I'm talking about. What if you have tried and tried, and you're still finding it way too difficult?

Focusing on what you love, who you love, what gives you a good old stirring in your heart or pants, that's what helps me. I am so grateful to be free of depression, and if I am diagnosed with ADD, then I can find out what I need to do to manage my life a little bit better. Oh please, please don't let the doctor tell me I can't have coffee. Shit, I have to buy some decaf and start mixing it with my real coffee so that I'm not in agony withdrawing.

I felt quite emotional today. I was trying to explain what 'admire' meant to my students. Respect and like. Or perhaps you could admire some things in a person, and not others. One student made a great joke by mistake

"I admire the New Zealand government!" she said

"You admire John Key!" and we all laughed

"Oh no no no," she said "the other one, the Helen Clark!".

One of my students has a massive bruise over one eye. She is a beautiful young woman, and she has been punched so hard in the face that the colours rising to the surface of her skin are like the brilliant hues of an expensive,  gothic eye shadow. Purple and deep grape-black. 

These women seem like (oh god forgive me, I'm going to sound so cheesey) beautiful flowers that have been allowed to grow at last. I am unashamedly self helpy and affectionate. I get everyone to hold hands and say things like

 "I'm a beautiful and strong woman, and I like who I am".

We laugh quite a lot, and yet there are sometime tears coming to the surface. Today I apologized because I got quite teary, but as I swallowed back the lump in my throat, we all started laughing again. 

It's been a really busy but good week. The new place is still a bit of a tip, and I can't get the phone working, nor is the cell phone coverage any good. I'll suddenly get a rash of texts coming at about six or so in the evening. 

A friend's band is playing tomorrow night, so that'll get me out of the woods, and tonight it looks like I'm catching up with the Painter. 

Might have a wine and attempt to do a bit of sorting. 

OOh, and I'm reading "Oryx and Crake" by Margaret Atwood at the moment. I've mislaid the other book I'm reading (a library one and bound to be mounting in fines) but Atwood's offering has me truly hooked. If you like a bit of Sci Fi without too much of the ridiculous shit in it, then this might be just your cup of tea. 

Ridiculous shit in Sci Fi: writing like this: 

"Zerne looked sideways at the Xyloffer Brigade. It was hard to imagine what they were thinking, their absence of eyes never failed to disconcert him. MeenVo Pileese of the third Nation of Tra asked him if he wanted any moojibiii bars while he was at Cumsucker station number nine."

That sort of thing numbs me over in less than a second. 

Atwood does create a whole incredible post apocalyptic (I think post apocalyptic is one of my favourite things to say) world that requires many strange inventions, but it doesn't seem gratuitous.

Well darlings, must be time to shower and stop at New Lynn Mall for a new razor and something else that begins with R. What was it? Knew I should have written it down.

Lots of love

C