Falling In Love, Healing/Counselling, Freedom.

There's cloud hanging over the native bush that I look into everyday from inside this little box I live in. Actually, hang isn't the right word. It's more like I am living on the edge of a world about to sink or break off into a nothing sky. Like the 'nothing' in 'Never Ending Story'.

Taken when the sun decided to come out.

Shall I tell you how I fell in love on Saturday? I could tease you about it. It's someone I've known for a long time, someone funny and kind. I realised that when  I started saying 'she' you'd think I might have taken up residence on the island of Lesbos. In one sense that would be true, for the great Love I've found is indeed a woman. Yes folks. I found the Love of my Life. I found The One. And it's Me. 


Sounds Narcissistic? Well, I guess that depends on how you're treating those around you, it will give you a clue as to weather your self love is massively Ego or not. If you're running around trampling people in the name of self love, then it might be time to review the kind of self love one indulges in. 


I have always wanted to 'love myself' as we are ALL advised to do. We have heard this so often that it's almost meaningless. It's like 'being yourself'. Sure, it's a lovely sentiment, but truly being there for, and loving, yourself ... well fuck, that's a big call.


I interviewed myself about this sudden change of heart. Why now? What had 'she' done to suddenly 'deserve' this love?
The reply was that it was just a feeling. That there 'she' (Me) was ... helping her mum clean up the courtyard in the pouring rain on Saturday, and I knew I'd been overlooking the person I'd searched for all my life. It's a useful tool, this 'self interview'. I'll call the interviewer aspect 'the Watcher'. The 'me' being interviewed is the part that has not been terribly engaged with my life up till this point. Perhaps it's the male energy that Tracey Burns of Beyond The Veil helped me to integrate. We'll call him Horsey.


Watcher: So, it was a feeling. Tell me about that feeling.
Horsey: Well, it was a thought first. I thought 'that's the kind of person I want to be with. Someone who helps their mum. Someone patient. Someone kind.'
Watcher: And what was it like, compared to falling in love with someone else?
Horsey: It was the same. I was suddenly infatuated and liked everything about her. Even annoying things became cute. I suddenly found the things I wasn't sure about didn't matter.
Watcher: How did you feel about her before?
Horsey: I thought she was really nice. Good to talk to. Funny and kind. But I wasn't in love with her. It was a bit like how people describe a marriage with someone they care for but are no longer in love with. I wouldn't have left her, but I didn't want her with great passion, and I was reluctant to support her dreams. I felt she was a bit behind the eight ball when it came to a career and societies' ideas of success. I liked hanging out with her, but it's not like I was hanging out to be with her.
Watcher: Okay, so what do you think about her being 'behind the eight ball' now?
Horsey: Oh, I know I can help her with that. I'm really excited about supporting her. 


You get the idea.


I was feeling pretty high on Sunday. Helped mum do more of the courtyard. It continued to pour with rain and we got heaps done. I went home, got ready, went out on a date with a guy who was great to talk to. Didn't fancy him, but he had a good insight about the Sexy Ex.
I'd told him how we would 'try' not to see each other, and his comment was
'well if you're trying, then you're still attached'.


It was just the added zest I required. The last time I wrote my blog I was so very sure of myself, claiming I'd be keeping my legs crossed ... and then didn't the following day (!).
Fortunately I was on my way to see Tracey Burns at Beyond the Veil, and she helped me tremendously. As I drove to see her I questioned myself about sex with the ex.
I realised that it was the motivation/intention behind the thing, not the thing itself. The point isn't even a moral one. It's this ... that if I am emotionally and spiritually too tied into someone, can I make myself truly available to love someone else? The answer is Yes, but paradoxically, as I fall more deeply in love with me, it's likely that keeping TSE  as my lover will not be necessary.


The piece of the puzzle was the dude's comment on Sunday. If I forbid myself, I make it too exciting. It will be what it is. There's no need to put a big red cross on it and call it taboo. That's the sort of thing that leads Japanese business men to buy stained girl's knickers from vending machines. Scratch and sniff.


I do believe I might just have something akin to unconditional love. For myself and for people in my life. Or, I'm getting pretty damn close.


The main issue addressed with Tracey last week was Freedom. What is freedom to you? For me, I imagined running naked on the beach, the sun sinking into the sea. The light was blinding and golden white. I run and run, and I'm a child, and I'm almost flying.


I'm almost flying. I'm already free in so many ways. I rarely mind what others think of me. I usually stand up for myself, I take pleasure in small things. Now I'm ready for bigger things. I need money in order to travel, learn and help others. I'm ready for it. It's on.

Integrating Male Energy

Tuesday 8^th May

                           Coffee, Healing, What's this Feeling?

Surely what I’m feeling can’t just be caffeine withdrawal? Aside from a headache, my actual face hurts. I’m supposed to have ceased coffee intake for five days prior to my ADD assessment on Thursday. Suddenly it’s two days to go and I haven’t managed to have a caffeine free day yet.

I’d cunningly mixed decaf in with my real coffee, but today I just had decaf and I feel depressed. Yes folks. Weepy. It might also be that I had a TV marathon last night, finally watching Breaking Bad, the first season. I had to make myself stop after four episodes, and I dreamt of blood and guns in the night. A TV hangover is what I’ve got, coupled with the coffee withdrawal.

Just threw two nurofen down my gullet and drank lots of water, it seemed to shift a bit of pain out from under my eyes (that area where people get sinus infections). I’ve finished Russel Brand’s Booky Wook and am looking forward Booky Wook 2 which Griz is going to lend me. I was amused to see that the orgy he attended was bleak and not at all erotic as I’d only just pondered such things in my last entry.

It makes me think of that guy The Wanker (the best worst internet date I had) who told me about going to a sex club. He said he was receiving fellatio from a woman, and this  man came up to him and was having a nice little chat; oh how are you, what do you do etc, then said “oh, yes, and that’s my wife”. 

I then imagined that they went on to have a very mundane conversation, one in which the Wanker revealed his job as the manager of a cheese factory. A cheese factory!

Right, the nurofen has kicked in a little bit, I have the strength to get out into the day. I’m off for a healing with Tracey at Beyond The Veil in Ellerslie and even though I’ve been there before I’ve completely forgotten how to get there.

I shall tell you all about it soon.

Evening time, still Tuesday.

I felt like I was moving through glue today, exhausted and slow witted, knocking things off ledges, spilling tea, dropping jam gobs on the floor. I went to see Tracey at Beyond The Veil  for a healing, and getting there felt like this huge mission. I was almost crying as I drove there because I was running late (as I do for most things). I have to trick myself if I want to be on time for things, but then I know I’ve tricked myself so I think I’ve got plenty of time. Alas, I then do not have plenty of time. I double cross myself. I have to somehow double-double cross myself.

The healing was subtle but effective. She is helping to balance me up as I lack masculine energy. Ironically, if you lack masculine energy you might then bring it up in ways that aren’t ideal, like massive amounts of anger. Overcompensating.  My jaw was so tight, I think I’d been grinding my teeth in the night. The work was really beautiful; there was a presence of masculine energy there for me to access and to integrate, and I also acknowledged that I have some really good guys around me at the moment. I’m looking at the good in these guys, seeing what it is in a man that can be kind and strong.

Once I acknowledged and felt this really gentle, strong, protective male energy move into me (ooh er, I don’t mean like that), I felt a lot more releaxed. I can’t quite remember the order that this all happened in, but when she asked me what a man looked like, what the first image in my mind was, I saw a sort of devil. She asked what he looked like; he was a hybrid of a cartoonish devil combined with an ordinary man. She got me to separate them and describe them, asking me questions about them as we went.

I saw that the ordinary man was vulnerable and quite lost. The devil was not evil, just playful and egotistical. He wanted attention.

As the work continued, she helped me use visualisation to ‘see’ and also feel what a really good man would be like. Interestingly, I couldn’t see a man, I instead thought of a bee. So there’s this bee, but eventually she got me to transform this bee into an ideal of a good man.

“Oh,” I said, “he’s a golden god”

I didn’t think of that line from the movie “Almost Famous” until right now. Ha!

 I was seeing the honey from the bee running into the veins in a man’s body, that he is comprised of light and honey, a network of  sweetness. She then got me to combine this god-ish honey man with the Christ consciousness of the earlier energy. There. Eat that for breakfast. And I saw that it was good.

So. Goddess knows what effect this integration with masculine energy will have on me, but I felt so much better afterwards that I came home and promptly whacked out two lesson plans for my teaching this week.

I intend to get up early tomorrow, gulp back decaf and nurofen, walk up to the ridge, admire the birds, stroke the cat and then go and deliver a kick arse lesson. Actually the lesson might be a bit boring, I’m trying to incorporate useful information (Immigration policies) for my students. On the upside, they now know Abba’s delightful song ‘I have a dream’ almost off by heart! You may call it cheese, but it's a pretty positive little song (one student finds Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles too sad).

I'll do whatever I can to keep my students feeling positive. My eyes hurt. I just watched the rest of the episodes of Breaking Bad, so now I'm up to series 2. Oh my god it's good. I think it was Taitingfong and Werner who kept saying to watch it when I was in Korea, but I was in a 'Project Runway" kind of mode then. Unfortunately the latest batch of Runway didn't quite do it for me. It was like returning to a playground you'd loved as a child to find the slide wasn't half as big as you thought it was. Remember how your mum would say "watch the other children go down the slide first, just in case there are razor blades". No? Guess you weren't a child of the 70's.

Ta ta ducky bums. Love and moo. x