Freaky Synchronicity with Rooster, German Mother ....

Wednesday August 21^st 2012

Walking on Sunday I passed a couple with their incredibly adorable little boy. The beautiful, plump blonde mother was holding his hand as he did his best to walk along the track, his face arrested in smiles as I approached. I continued to beam as I walked, then realised I was crying. I clicked. That ‘ordinary’ life might not happen for me.

I have done so well with the lack of ordinary, I have juggled it and worn it to the best of my ability, but I have harboured hope that perhaps a ‘boring and domestic’ life might eventually be mine. Boring and domestic with the right person would sometimes be magical!

 I would meet a kind, sexy, funny man with good taste in music and we’d travel a bit, then maybe have a baby. I haven’t really had a master plan to be honest. Just getting through life and being creative and positive seemed to be the best way. Maybe that’s not what most people do?

Those with ‘ordinary’ lives are sure to have their own longings and fears, and many might be ‘stuck’ with a partner they don’t love or like. Many pretty looking pictures shatter over night due to addictions, affairs, unmanaged depression and unspoken needs.

Speaking of which, let us update on my ex lovers. I’ve waited awhile to do this as I wasn’t sure how much to include. Now that I shall be winding up this blog, I think ‘fuck it’ and will include a little more than I should.

The Sexy (Young) Ex:

I would have been far happier for him if he didn’t keep trying to bed me even after he’d moved in with his nice little girlfriend. Who moves in with someone after two months? It’s silly. I asked what was so great about her and he said he could completely control her. Oh. Well. That’s fucking creepy.

This is one I think best left alone now. And no - it’s highly unlikely either of them read this (reading isn’t one of his strong points). If they did, he’d lie to her, his eyes wide, and she’ll believe him. So that’s fine.

Wylie Coyote

This guy is an asshole. Don’t ever let me go there again. (Goddamn but the sex was good!)

The Rooster

After my last blog entry, I got an amazing apology letter from The Rooster. I assumed it was because he saw what I wrote. I thanked him for the apology and was impressed with it. Moved, I felt quite emotionally confused by a lot of what was said. It seemed he really regretted how he’d treated me.

Could it be that his reunion with German Mother was about as short lived as I imagined it would be?

I responded, thanking him for the apology. The following day he sent another email which showed he had NOW read the blog and was ‘hurt’ that I might think he had purposely tried to hurt me.

Well come on. When someone dangles you off their ego for four months (I made it so EASY for him to get me back!) and then ‘chooses’ someone else, what am I supposed to think?

Anyway. It was still another good email, and yes, his attempt to rekindle the relationship with GM died within four weeks. Threw me aside for that! I bet they both rushed into each other’s arms with the vision of who they used to be four or five years ago, high on the fantasy they created about each other during the absence. BIG come down.

German Mother and the Ms Elegance connection (freaky shit!)

A few weeks ago I was giving my new flatmate, Ms Elegance, a summary of what had happened with The Rooster. When German Mother’s name came up, Ms Elegance said

 “Not xxxxx?” (her surname). I checked off a few identifying factors, including a physical ailment of German Mother’s.

Ms Elegance nodded.

“Oh my god, she’s not a friend of yours is she?”

“No,” said Ms Elegance slowly, “she’s the ex wife of the man I was engaged to marry. But he died before we got married.”(This engagement was about 10 years ago).

There are other interesting things that came from that conversation that I shall not go into, but were little details that helped me understand why The Rooster was so easily led. I thought this was quite an incredible coincidence ... that it was somehow showing me that there are so many things at play I am not aware of.

GM’s already got someone else, and I’d bet she had him waiting in the wings while she went for one last round with Rooster. The new guy has a very common name and I can’t help but wonder if she’s ended up with one of my ‘ex Steve’s’. That would be funny, especially if it were the Steve with a Russian connection!

For some reason, the synchronicity has comforted me. I even emailed Rooster to let him know about it, and I’ve waited awhile to blog about it as I still  have to be careful regarding the privacy of innocents. I’m not staying GM is a bad person at all. I’m sure she seems as lovely as I’ve been told. What I find strange is what seems to be a lack of transparency. Did she hold silence at times when she should have spoken her truth during her relationship with Rooster? Did she try and find that he couldn't hear? She knew that he still cared about me, but while I was off meditating she snapped her fingers and he jumped. A cock snapping to attention.

Tis all for the best I’m sure! It’s been so hard to believe that, yet believe it I must. Only yesterday I cried again for I missed Rooster’s company so much. Then I had to remind myself of what I thought I missed. What I loved when I was with him was how much I could trust him. I thought this was my best friend and my lover. So yes, I am still grieving. I see things I wish I could share with him, but I want to share them with the man I met, not the man who coldly chose someone else.

If I was ‘betrayed’ then in what ways am I betraying myself already, that I am attracting such energy? This is the helpful tool I can take from this situation. Rooster can consider why on earth he felt the need to sabotage a perfectly beautiful relationship.

I will never forget standing there in my cotton halter neck dress, almost feeling like I was slightly outside of my body, keeping myself calm and waiting for him to walk up to me and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” It never happened, and there’s no wondering why or wishing it could have been different. It is what it is.

Over the next few months I shall be winding up this blog. Perhaps I’ll start another. Perhaps not. Love Cxxx

Lovely Easter 2013, Men, Desire ... on it all goes ...

9th April 2013

I haven't written in awhile as helping mum move was a much bigger project than I originally imagined it to be. It was one of those situations where I kept repeating to myself 'it is what it is what it is ...'. Wonderfully calming. We fought of course. Bitched and carried on, but quick to make up, have a hug, cup of tea or coffee and then carry on. 

I wonder if that's why I'm so different to other people who grow up in those more repressed environments where they didn't having screaming fights with their mother? I seem to have lots of friends like that. Overt aggression is not done, but neither are displays of affection. Mum was really strict on me growing up. Sort of treated me like I was an adult from a young age, but also encouraged a lot of silliness and self expression. An interesting mix. I am therefore a stickler for manners, but I might sing loudly while walking down the street. Don't try and tell me not to either. That would be rude of you. ;) 

  Anyway, moving mum was intense. I cursed myself for not asking anyone for help. The only friend who offered wasn't able to do so due to other commitments  I asked the angels for a bit of assistance as I knew there was no way we were going to get everything out on the specified date. That day I got a text from ex-lover 'Wylie Coyote' . 

He said he'd dreamt of me. I didn't ask what he dreamed. I asked if he had a trailer and wanted to help out. At first he made an excuse, but within another five minutes he was on board. Sort of freaky. I haven't seen him for more than a year ... or even two years? I had studiously avoided him due to his inability to tell the truth or commit to me. He looked amazing which was a pity. Long legs, broad shoulders, deep blue eyes. Good at backing a trailer. That sort. We behaved in a very platonic way. No flirting. No lingering hug. He texted me later saying I looked really good. I replied 'as do you'. I might be playing with fire, but it is nice to feel supported and desired.

I hadn't been the way of mountains in New Zealand for at least seven years, so the Easter break at National Park was most refreshing. The drop in temperature as we swooped along in Johnny's new second hand Lexus had me reaching for a jumper. He noticed that the Warrant did not display the same rego number as the car and started to quietly freak out. Lou and I joined in with quiet anxiety, imagining the car was stolen. 

Fortunately there was a reasonable explanation quickly provided by the man who sold Johnny the car. In the meantime we concocted violent revenge scenarios worthy of the nastiest Tarantino script. The scenery slipped by in a cool blur of blues, greens and browns. Lake Taupo shone with a level of white light that felt over exposed and raw. We'd gone the long way and were exhausted by the time we traipsed in to the beaming reception provided by Ros and Nettie.  

It was a truly lovely weekend. We walked for hours, then sat around and talked (three parts shit, one part depth). We ate a lot, drank mostly moderately and farted incessantly. It was a great success all round.

Walkin'.

Walk Two: Lake with mist. Ros is the tall one. I am the other one.

Twas a great time of reflection. I pondered my choices in men, but mostly existed in the moment. I wondered how The Rooster was. He'll find a motherly new girlfriend soon enough I imagine. The Sexy Ex is moving in with his girlfriend. I was a bit surprised by this, but I wish him luck. I suspect that it's mainly a money saving scheme. Aint love grand.

I can't hang out with him anymore. I was fine being friends with him when I was in a relationship with The Rooster, but I am now single. When we caught up recently the chemistry still crackled between us. I might be single, but he isn't. So that's that. De-friended him on FB and said it would be best he didn't call. He said "I understand". I wonder if he does.

Whatever bro'. The sky is blue and the air is crisp. I don't feel at all lonely. I feel good. Life

is grand and wonderfully amusing. Onwards and hogwards! xxx