Love My New Place, and Gaslighting ...

Tuesday 23rd July 2013

As I type this, I can look straight out into ‘the bush’ (overseas visitors call it rainforest). Even in winter it’s a lush green comfort. The clock ticks lazily. My room is small and perfect, the cream walls and curtains bringing a sense of calm. In recent weeks I had the dreaded ‘strep throat’. It dragged on for two weeks before I finally went to the doctor, got antibiotics, and has taken more than another week to finally feel well. As a result, progress unpacking has been slow, but it’s been a joy to have a bigger space to work with.

I’m flatting with one woman, she’s older than me, has a fine sense of humour and is also into meditating. She owns this amazing three level A Frame house nestled into the trees in Titirangi. We share the kitchen and bathroom on the middle floor, but both have our own living room area. On the bottom level there’s an old fireplace which works well, and it’s been a great pleasure to light it and stare at the fire on these cold nights.

Ex lovers’ have been keen to keep my fires stoked in recent months, but that’s something I have to be a bit wary of. When I say ex lovers’, I don’t mean The Rooster. That’s one bird that I just can’t fantasise about. I suppose that was a sign anyway, that all those months of his anger, coldness, twisting of truth, left me unable to think of him with much passion. Even when I was at Vipassana Meditation for 10 days and burned with lust, it wasn’t the thought of him that created that excitement. When I did think of him, I would always see that strange fixed look on his face, as if I wasn’t really there at all.

To re-cap, that had shifted when I saw him on his birthday and still felt so much love. Yet surely I had to notice how it was me that moved towards him, that it was me who tried so hard to win back the love I had been promised ‘forever’. Surely I have since learnt that promises of forever seem to be a seal of doom.

 I think to a time when he once texted some outlandishly gothic sentiment when we were still in the thick of our romance. It left me cold. It was something like ‘even if I were dead to you I would still go on loving you forever with my wasted heart’. That isn’t exact, but it’s pretty close. I remember wondering whether to write it down at the time, because it was so full on. It’s the kind of thing I might have quite liked and believed when I was a teenager. For some reason I reminded him about it when we last spoke, and he denied it. Denied it in that very slow and cold way.

Today I read about a form of abuse employed by narcissists’ that’s been dubbed ‘gaslighting’. I don’t know if The Rooster was deliberately  trying to destroy me (cos some people do enjoy that) but I’d prefer to think that he simply wasn’t aware of his own mind or feelings well enough to be honest with himself or anyone else. I still think our relationship was wonderful and I still think there was a great deal of value in it. It was 'meant to be' and then 'meant to be over'. I can see that.

He did employ some ‘gaslighting’ techniques though, those things that made me second guess myself, things where I was going to have to apologize to him even though he was the one who was nasty to me. Even when he did finally apologize and admit that he had been a dick (not me as it turns out) he was hiding the trump card under his sleeve.  I remember asking him if there was anything I needed to know at least a week before I went away to meditate. That might have been a good time to mention that German Mother was back on the scene.

How defensive he was when I cried in disbelief. How cold and calculating he sounded as he informed me that it was a choice based on where he wanted to go ‘sexually’. He ignored my comments that pulled him up on lies he must have told me, and denied it when I reminded him of his ‘forever’ text.

Our love, once the thing of dreams come true, was reduced to that disgusting phone call. But he’s right in the end. He did choose the ‘right path’, because I can’t be with someone who doesn’t know his truth (at best) or who might be dangerously narcissistic (at worst).

So What Really Happened?

At the end of January his adoration suddenly caved in and appeared to turn into hatred. Literally overnight this happened. I forgave him for shouting and screaming at me. I forgave him for ignoring me as I cried all night. I forgave him for ignoring me and making a full breakfast for himself, and not for me, the following morning. I kept waiting for the apology. Instead, when I tentatively asked if what was going on, he was cold. The cold gave way to terrible anger again, as he told me I was a dick to have asked for his attention when he was tired

Since that day I emailed him countless times, being as fair as I possibly could be, continuing to say I loved him. He kept on and on insisting that I ‘just admit’ I’d been a dick. I wouldn’t. I would admit that my need for communication, affection and attention was ill-timed, but I would not collude in my own abuse. Many times I wondered if I had ‘just admitted’ I was a dick, that he could then have ‘forgiven me’ and we would have been ‘on track’.

All I could think of was how much I loved him and that he’d had a terrible breakdown. If someone has a break down, you stand by them.

 So I did.

Even as he continually denied the severity of his behaviour, I thought that surely we would work things out. The fact that he wouldn’t see me face to face didn’t help matters. The only time we did, he softened. Perhaps German Mother had already moved back into his bed, the smell of her skin replacing mine, her desire to please him without question too intoxicating to deny?

The smell of skin, of baking, of a routine they had established over a period of years. How convenient that she’d never moved her things into storage. It was her oversized, yellow 1980’s style couch I’d cried on all night. How nice it will be for them to slip back into each other, into old habits and new found appreciation of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

As much as I loved him, a thread of wisdom has pulled me clear of the mess. For so long I have missed his languid voice, the strange sense of humour we shared, our love of music, our slightly obsessive desire to watch music documentaries together. He was a soul mate. I do think that still. But we all have more than one soul mate, and this was yet another learning experience.

He says he has followed his heart, but the heart is a most unreliable organ to rely on in an overly romantic sense. People will do anything in the name of ‘love’. Kill. Steal. Lie. Cheat. Stab you in the back as soon as it’s turned. It’s all so ephemeral, the wanting of the heart.  Besides, he had his heart in one hand and his cock in the other. All that beating must have been confusing.

The part I identified with most strongly in the gaslighting article (link posted below) was regarding disbelief. I really found it absolutely bizarre that someone could love me on a Friday and hate me by Saturday! Ha ha!

What is “Gaslighting”?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. 

(There are different phases described, and the one I’ve copied from the article is exactly what happened with The Rooster):

The Devaluation Phase:

The relationship has now shifted into the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation. The roller-coaster relationship leaves the victim in a state of constant chaos, as if always “walking on eggshells”. All their energy is directed at defending themselves, so the narcissist is not getting the positive attention that they crave; this is likely to be the time when the narcissist starts to look for a fresh provider of narcissistic supply.

The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behaviour, the victim works harder and harder to please their abuser in the hopes of getting the relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe. Deprived of their “narcissistic drug”, the victim is suddenly thrown into strong withdrawal symptoms.

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome

As interesting as all the labels are, what matters most for me is continuing to meditate. I have not talked about how he treated me in January as I was ‘protecting him’ (and therefore any criticism of the fact that I still loved him). Bitching alone isn’t interesting or helpful, so my aim here is to share my experience with the hope of saving someone else from needless suffering.

The Rooster’s original abusive tantrum was such a shock. I thought it was a short term ‘spaz’ and that he would ‘wake up’ and get some help.

I now share this with the understanding that there wasn’t anything I could do for The Rooster, nothing I could have ‘done right’.

If someone is in denial and thinks it’s ok to call you a dick, to scream at you that they “don’t care” when you ask for a hug, then move on. Do not imagine that they are simply in need of more love. They may have already taken your love and used of it what they wished. You have outgrown your use. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for them. Don’t hang around hoping for that big high you had for the first four months (or however long it’s been). Yes, you are part of them, they are part of you, consider projection and all the rest if you must, but be wise. Go towards peace and kindness. If a man holding a knife was walking towards you and screaming with rage, you wouldn’t smile and keep walking towards him with open arms, thinking that with just enough understanding he might not kill you. You would fucking run!

So if you gotta run, run!

And as for me, well, I’m not going short of anything darlings. I have the perfect place to live and I’m enjoying being primarily vegetarian. I have reduced my Ritalin (for ADHD) since doing Vipassana, and on Saturday I’m going to an all day mediation course in Onehunga. I did the one day course last month too, it felt quietly supportive to meditate with others who have been through the10 day experience.

The benefits of doing Vipassana are so numerous that it just blows my little mind. I can’t recommend it enough. I thought hypnotherapy was amazing (and it is), but meditating in this particular fashion is deeper than I could have imagined possible.

Meditating is a form of hypnosis, and when you are aware of that, then you are the scientist of your own experiences. You can watch pain come and go. You can feel pleasure burn and pass through you like a wave. One thing is certain. It’s always changing. Love appears to come and go. Hatred can flare up where desire reigned.  For me, the only way out is through. To sit and observe. To be bored. To be thrilled. To think I know it all. To know nothing. To feel it All!

May All Beings Be happy!

How to recognise an abusive 'Friend' (and my new fave song!)

March 25th 2012

Left: wow, took this last week, a praying mantis shedding it's skin. Gorgeous!

Well I'm enjoying The Boxcar Rattle; they're getting a bit of air play on BFM. Love it. Lots of energyyyy.

Today I was looking back at my old diaries. I was thinking about my old (now ex) friend 'Rose'. Her birthday is coming up, and it will be the first time in 18 years that I haven't gone all out looking for beautiful things for her. We have a lot of history together. I don't exactly miss her; she had a habit of not being entirely present for me when the going got rough. So what do you do when a friendship is 'completed', especially a long one?

RECOGNISING A NARCISSIST ...

I recently found a great article on the Oprah site by Martha Beck. It talked about recognising a narcissist personality and that it's rare this kind of person will see reason if you step outside the assigned 'role'. It's hard to imagine that someone quiet and shy could be the one doing the manipulating. Looking at one excerpt from a 1997 diary I am amazed that I allowed myself to be treated the way I was. I was recovering from my fractured pelvis and displaced left hip, and still on crutches. I was really fragile physically and emotionally:

10th February 1997 (names changed)

Rose and I were really honest with each other about a week ago. She mainly needed to tell me I had hurt her feelings when I had snapped at her sometimes, and she was feeling resentful.

One night when I stayed over at her place I was meant to sleep in with her, but Barry, her boyfriend, had come over, so I got left in the lounge with nothing. I slept on the floor. If it wasn't for Logan's friend Peter, I wouldn't even have had a blanket.

I thought the whole thing was a mistake, but it turns out she knew she'd done it and didn't know what to do, so took the coward's way and went to sleep. Really, I think I am still angry about that, but I let her off lightly to start with as I knew she was drunk etc.

Now that I know she purposely left me out there, I feel like I can't trust her. I would NEVER do that to her.

I'd forgotten about this until I re-read that diary thismorning. In fact, there are a lot of things like this that happened throughout our friendship that I continually forgave or over looked because I really loved her. Sadly, it's obvious that her habit of being resentful did keep popping up over the years, and my habit of being her Echo and doing whatever I could to save the friendship persisted. After awhile you realise you can't do it anymore. Martha Beck writes about it beautifully:

Martha Beck article from Oprah site:

Imagine what this friend's response would be if you stopped playing your part or stepped into hers. Would she be shocked or angry? Would she ice you, scold you, drop off your social calendar? If so, I'm afraid that particular connection isn't exactly a friendship. Rigid roles enforced by social pressure add up to something else—something I call a naiad dyad. Naiads are mythological nymphs who ruled the rivers and springs of ancient Greece. One of these watery demigoddesses had a famously handsome son named Narcissus, who attracted many admirers, none more admiring than himself. He fell so madly in love with his own reflection that he did nothing but stare at it. Narcissus's friends found this daunting—all, that is, except for another nymph named Echo, whose curse (naiads were highly curse-prone) was that she couldn't voice her own thoughts, only repeat words spoken by others.

In their twisted way, Narcissus and Echo were ideal companions. Both were obsessed with the same person (him), and both expressed the same thoughts, ideas, and opinions (his). I'm sure the next-door satyrs thought their relationship was perfect. Not so much. In one version of the story, Narcissus, unable to work out the logistics of being in love with himself, plunged a dagger into his heart and was transformed into a flower. Echo, devastated, wandered off to haunt canyons and glens, repeating random sentiments shouted by strangers.

I have to say, I really did teach Rose that it was okay to be manipulative in our friendship as I let her get away with it for so long. I tried to be honest all the time, and of course I also have my faults, but I guess the difference is that I do know my faults and I'll admit to them readily.

Take a look at your friendships. Do you have to 'tip toe' around that person in case the love or friendship will be withdrawn from you? The same goes for romantic relationships; if you have to work that hard to keep someone's favour, it might not be worth being 'in favour'. I used to think it was always up to me to work, work, work at loving and rescuing people. Of course our child hood patterns set us up for this, but we are no longer children. It's time to grow up. You can walk away now. You don't have to stay and put up with quiet manipulations or passive agressive behaviour. That sounds simple but may require help. That's the journey we undertake.

Rose had her own issues; food addiction and unresolved grief. People with addiction issues sometimes appear to stagnate at the age they started to deal with life through the addictive behaviour. Her actual intelligence might be at a reasonable level, but emotional intelligence may suffer due to denial. The denial carries over into other areas of life. That's why programmes like AA or Overeaters Anonymous are so important; it shifts a person out of denial and then they can get a handle on the feelings and fears they swallowed. I still hope Rose gets help and is able to look after herself properly as a result.

So let's take a look at how a real friend treats you. She or he allows for your humanity. She won't let resentments build up until you're being made to sleep on the floor with broken bones.

She or he will trust the kindness and love you've shown rather than focusing on the one mistake you make. There's a big difference between making an honest mistake and someone deliberately hurting you. Rose had a history of finding ways to deliberately withdraw her love or to hurt me, yet I continually saw her as sweet and beloved. I was her Echo. I kept choosing to believe she hadn't meant to be unkind. Big mistake. It's like a man who keeps a woman on a tight leash, a man who tells a woman she's a goddess one day and a slut the next; it's a power play and it's not cool.

As you grow in authentic power, you will find these kind of manipulators and bullies dropping out of your life. It's good to take responsibility for your own mistakes; I know I have to sometimes hold my tongue; mum tells me I can be really scathing. Ha, Andrew likes it when I'm scathing, he thinks it's funny. He says I need to be 'less tolerant' and I think that might be working for me in some strange way.

Having said that, I think what he really means is that I shouldn't take shit, and so my friend, neither should you. Be honest, take responsibility for your own issues whatever they may be, but to keep letting someone be unkind or resentful towards you for not behaving exactly as they want ... that's a whole lot of hard work you don't need.

As far as letting go is concerned, it's easier when you start noticing how difficult it is for the Narcissist friend to be there for you when the going gets rough. A Narcissist is there for herself or himself and even if they make the right noises "oh you poor thing" they won't front up with the goods when you really need them, in fact, they may attack you or abandon you. What are 'the goods'?

The goods; what is the delivery?

No Goods:

When I went through my terrible depression last year (a few months worth) I reached out to Rose and asked if I could stay with her one night as I was so low. I basically begged. She said no. She said her flat was "busy till next year". Oh. So she couldn't have me over for one single night for a period of nearly three months?

I was surprised, but not entirely. You reach a point where you realise the Narcissist friend's lack of support should be accepted without complaint or question (or she'll leave you). As it turns out, tolerating this kind of 'fair weather friend' behaviour just reinforces it ... it's like being friends with a massive toddler.

The Delivery:

I then rang my dear friend Lisa. She invited me to stay as soon as possible for an entire weekend. She held me when I cried. She had my favourite wine waiting in the fridge and had gone and bought beef for a roast meal. I was treated like the most beloved sister. The spare bed was made up with lovely fresh sheets. She sat and listened when I poured out my heart and assured me I would get through it.

If you are on the shit end of the stick, then you are bound to have had a few (or more) of these kind of experiences. For some reason, your loyalty and love stops you from calling the person out. You make up excuses for them. You know they wouldn't mean to be unkind or thoughtless. Well wake up sunshine, cos I've been there too many times, and I'm over it. I hope you're getting to that point too, if you've been the Echo in a friendship for too long.

Take courage. You won't miss them as much as you think. Other kinder people will enter your life, and you'll notice that you don't have to 'be careful' all the time of what you say or do in case it's being stored away and stewed over. I will never again be friends with someone who deliberately hurts me.

So happy birthday Rose. I hope you get everything you ever dreamed of and all that you deserve.

;)