15th July 2012
But I do. I always stand and think really hard
before I buy meat. I pick up the packet quite reverently. I think of the fact
that this was a living, breathing being, just like me. Not for long though, cos
that would put me right off …
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| The cat and the tarantula!
I like how you can change anal
into banal or canal in scrabble.
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One of my opponents appears to be
an old lady so I refrained from putting ‘cunt’ on the board. Now that’s
respect. David (The Painter) continues to be one of the Scrabble Lords, one of those people
who work it like a chess player. I’m also playing someone who talks about masturbating.
She appears to be a hot young blonde, but I bet it’s a dirty old man with a
fake profile trying to get women to describe their wanking habits (oh, how many
times a day do you do it?).
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| Look at how scary this is
16th July 2012
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Pancakes:
It’s been a massive weekend. Not
massive in a get drunk and create a scene sort of way, but quite full
nonetheless. Mum came over on
Thursday and on Saturday morning I’d invited Rob and Suzanne to join us for
pancakes and happy bacon. I once referred to cage free pigs as happy bacon to a
staunch vegan and she said ‘yes, I’m sure they’re happy being murdered’.
There’s no point even getting
into a discussion when someone says that, you know that it’s like debating with
a fundamentalist Christian or a Nazi. It’s better to just nod and agree that
you are a terrible, terrible person. I wouldn’t get silly about it the way some
people do though; start describing the meat and blood in order to upset
someone. I usually make a feeble comment about really appreciating it when I do
eat it. That’s just more fuel for an angry person to use against you though
‘oh,’ they can retort sarcastically ‘I’m so
glad you appreciate how that
animal died needlessly to appease your choice to ingest intestine clogging
flesh’.
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| The outfit you would not wear to a party with too many vegans present. |
I find it difficult to cook for
more than two people. I felt quite anxious on Saturday. I’d taken my Ritalin of
course, but even with that, it felt like I was in some kind of race in which coming
last meant serving cold pancakes with burnt bacon. Mum was great, she helped me
(which I usually find really stressful too) in a way that worked. The only hard
thing was if she expected me to speak when I was trying to do something, and I
could feel her offended vibe radiating off her little frame. It’s as if my
words actually get stuck coming out.
I cannot shift course. I am pouring this
mixture into this pan. If you ask me about plates right now I can’t actually
speak intelligently. I might say ‘ungh … I can’t speak’. This isn’t something
I’m doing to be rude or shut you out, it’s just that I can’t multi
task, or if I do, I might not do any of the tasks very well.
I’ve explained this to mum. I
don’t know if I get the ADHD from her or my bio father, in all likelihood,
probably both. All my life I’ve been telling mum to keep away from me in the
kitchen (if I’m at her place or mine she likes to come up and LOOK at what I’m
doing and offer helpful advice or
tell me to do something that I’m just about to do). I can’t even tell you how
fucking annoying I find it, and how angry it can make me. Unreasonably so.
Right, that was a bit of a
diversion. What I was trying to say is that mum really was genuinely helpful
and seemed to refrain from giving excess advice. Once piece she did offer and
that I think is worth sharing: cook the pancakes in two pans so that they don’t
go cold. Genius.
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| You can't see meeeee, well that makes a change. |
I’d put Rob and Suzanne on the deck, given
them coffee and tea and invited them back in once brekkie was ready. Afterwards
we all then went for a walk half way along the pipeline track. I took photos of
shit with amazing hair like fungus growing on it.
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| To the tune of 'Sensitive to a Smile'' by the Herbs, you sing 'beautiful fungus'. Beautiful fungus, has come into my liiiiffffe, .... |
Speaking of shit, I do believe
there is a correlation between clearing up your immediate environment and the
state of your own bowels. Sort of makes
sense doesn't it? Living in a mess is stressful, so one might end up getting
physically blocked. Clear the mess, un-block the bung hole. Ta da!
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| The cat and the horse |
On Saturday night Lou and Johnny
invited me to a friend’s deck warming party. It was an animal theme, so of
course I went as a cat. Going as a cat is easy, you just paint your nose and
whiskers and turn your hair into ears. Lou was a tarantula and Johnny was also
a cat. There was a really funny, crazy girl there who did the best horse
impression I think I’ve ever seen, and I had at least three meaningful conversations
about all sorts of crap. I like that; funny people and conversations that go
straight to the deep end. The host was one of those women you feel like you’ve already
known all your life. She also had a cat that looked uncannily like Tosca!
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| Getting into cat mode.
Oh, I also ‘spoke to the angels’
(prayed, whatever) about my situation with the Sexy Ex. Really need to leave it
alone, no making of tantric arrangements. It would just get in the way of what I
actually want, which is a funny, kind boyfriend. You know how you write a list
of what you want? This was mine from a few months ago .
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- Available to love me unconditionally
- Mentally stable = resolved/resolving any issues, ready to be present and communicate honestly.
- Happy. Likes himself! Kind.
- Confident with money, generous and doing fine.
- Emotionally mature (or working on it and mostly succeeding)
- Feels comfortable in his body – has a nice dick, and is fit.
- Spiritually aware and active.
Since then I've realized I really
want someone who can be silly. I look at all my best friends and that is
something I LOVE so much about them. Silliness, giddiness, childish carry on. I
also forgot to say they must have a reasonable sex drive. A boyfriend I mean, I'm not going to dabble with my friends, even if some of them are hot.
What I like about this kind of
list is what it says about ME. That’s meant to be a clue isn’t it? What you
want in a romantic partner is what you really want of yourself.
I can
genuinely say I don’t actually want to have my own nice dick. One of the main
reasons I’d like that in a partner is because it can be such a confidence issue
for a man if he doesn’t like his penis, and then he puts it all onto you. Not
his penis, his self loathing. God knows
people have enough self loathing as it is.
So really, it’s not the penis, it’s the self loathing that’s the issue. I've struck men with lovely dicks in recent years, so any self loathing and fear of commitment stems from something else, and I find that comforting (ha ha ha!).
I’m proud of
myself for deciding to keep my legs crossed regarding the Sexy Ex; not in a ‘don’t
be easy’ way, but in a ‘choose wisely’ kind of way.
Yesterday I
visited Corneilius (old friend) and we talked and talked and talked. I tried to
do some drawing, and I’m completely out of practice, but it was fun.
It’s raining
again and water has come up through the shower plug hole. Last night I put a
plastic basin in the shower so that I didn’t have to stand in dodgy water
that’s come up from worm knows where. Worked fine. I showered and when the
basin was full of ‘it’s only been on me’ water, tipped it down the sink. The
water already in the shower couldn’t drain away, so it quietly leaked onto the
lino, a small rivulet wending its way to my very own hole by the pole. This morning the shower is once more full of
mystery water, but it’s completely clear and clean looking. Rain water. I can’t
seem to bring myself to complain about it. I’d rather stand in a basin.
Poor Tosca was attacked by some
stinky cat last night. I felt like a real asshole that I hadn’t let her in
sooner, she came in completely shaken and soaked through. She has a cut on the
inside of one ear, the poor baby. I hope to god there aren’t any mystery bites
on her … it’s so hard to find that sort of thing on a fluffy wuffy cat.
I’m going to visit Lisa up North
in a few more weeks, ooh, I love going to hang out with her. She makes me laugh
so much. When we skyped the other day we got way too much mileage out of my
plastic Mary statue.
Right, love to you all, may your dick stand strong and
your labia puff proudly! May little children smile as you walk by, and rainbows
appear just as you decide to go for a walk. May your heart be lightened. xxx
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| Warming the deck. One of the few occasions where I can wear my $3 fur cape. |
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