Photos: taken about three weeks ago: The Pipeline walk in Titirangi.
Well slap me twice and call me a rabbit moon!
On Monday morning I was falling in love. By Monday afternoon I was feeling rejected and confused. By Tuesday I was broken hearted, and today I'm on the mend! Had a fantastic day.
How can this be?
Well I can't say it was easy, but I just kept coming back to Forgiveness and how that is the thread woven into love and freedom.
I like this:
Forgiving what we have judged and refusing to judge it again, changes our belief of what is real and true because it brings us peace and makes us happy. Feeling unconditionally loved opens our heart to loving unconditionally and dispels the idea that sacrifice and suffering play any part in awakening to the truth of our Oneness. It confirms what we already know, but have denied and hidden behind our belief that we have lost God’s Love. Tom (The Forgiveness Network)
Ok, so I considered that and it was so clear: I really was wanting the kind of connection with a man that you can only ever get from a spiritual source.
I'm not going to get all guilty and weird about it; humans do it all the time. We make it about 'out there', and it seems to me that often people use each other like some kind of substance. It's incredibly tempting to do it when you feel like you've met someone really special and are wanting validation.
Suddenly I forgot to stand back. I was so far into the feelings and really thought D was on the same page. I just couldn't be cool. It was 'pre-moon time' and I'm assuming the amount of Oxytocin I'd released over the two week time span was bonding me to my lover.
On the topic of oxytocin by Susan E.Barker:
.... studies show that oxytocin in females, as well as the closely related vasopressin in males, is key to pair bonding.
"You first meet him and he’s passable," Witt said of the phenomena. "The second time you go out with him, he’s OK. The third time you go out with him, you have sex. And from that point on you can’t imagine what life would be like without him."
"What’s behind it?" she added. "It could be oxytocin."
Since the release of oxytocin can be classically conditioned, after repeatedly having sex with the same partner, just seeing that partner could release more oxytocin, making you want to be with that person all the more, and you bond, she said.
Isn't that interesting?
Anyway, that's just a little diversion. The real path I'm leading you down is about how to handle it if you do feel like you've been rejected. The key to turning it around is recognising the story you're 'making up'; from there making a decision to find a gift from the situation.
I could have told a fine story about D. Oh pooh, I could have really turned it on couldn't I? But you may remember that I'd agreed we were still 'dating' others. So it was me who changed my mind and then got all hurt and upset.
The cake I had to eat was a slab of dry Tactlessness, (would you like yoghurt with that? Yes I bloody well would!) but that's the biggest problem with the situation.
I chose to suffer and choke. Didn't know what to do really. Never had anything like it happen to me before. I'm used to men knowing they want me and that's that. Not after one or two dates necessarily (though that has happened), but usually after a few weeks of getting to know someone.
Anyway, that's all the little gritty normal bits that people worry about and get all entangled in. What I did was look at it from the higher self perspective. I sat quietly and asked about it all. I got the answers I needed and decided I had to stop and just enjoy the gifts that came from it. Lots of fun. Good conversation. Lovely kisses. If the French Intellectual re-ignited my love of writing playfully, then D was about being playful moment to moment.
I asked the Higher Self what to do to feel better about it.The message was clear:
"Seek pleasure, joy and lightness of being. Allow the Universe to carry you. Remain healthy, joyful and centred as possible. Do everything you can to feel good."
And so I am.
Andrew came over with a lovely meal, wine and chocolates last night. He told me I was beautiful. I said
"Am I using you like a substance?" and he said
"A little bit." and just smiled.
Set Yourself Awesooommmmme Morning Rituals! Dance baby dance!
In the morning I did my Salute to the Sun three times, my Pranayama breathing (alternate nostrils) three 'Oms', and then ... yes folks .... I did my second day of 'a morning dance'.
Day 1 of Dance was Blur (on the radio), that 'boys who love girls' song. Had to pretend I knew the words apart from the bit about love in the 90's being paranoid.
Today, Day 2, was AC/DC 'She's got the Jack' and The Stranglers 'Something Better Change'.
Went into the office right in time to be treated to a decent coffee and a few sweet things, did a minimal amount of work and then met Tam for lunch. Op shopped, found a rather too short denim skirt that I can wear over summer, and then grabbed some wine for the weekend.
Rachalle's making me din dins tonight, then we have a few options. A bar opening. A party at Imogen's; she's turning 26 and the theme is Eurotrash. Ha! I could wear all the trashiest things I own at once, how exciting. Must find my chunky fake gold chain. Pity I haven't had a spray tan.
Lovely weekend lined up too! Got an internet coffee date tomorrow (he lives on the Shore) so I'll stop in Takapuna to see him before catching up with Ma. Gonna hang with da mamma and probably observe people with their dogs on the beach; one of our favourite things to do.
Andrew showed me why I wasn't able to burn CD's properly, so now that's all sorted I'm very happy. Burned The Stranglers, some Cocteau Twins and created a fine assortment this morning.
There are a couple of old Frank Black songs I've really enjoyed again, all these years on. One is The Vanishing Spies. Fuck knows exactly what he's on about, I create my own meaning, sometimes it's just the feeling that goes with the sound of the song anyway ...
Give me a blip
And I'll totally flip
Say it's nothing but sky
And I'll be a lonely guy
The vanishing spies
just something I read
Now there were two eyes
sent out from the head
and all that was said
was that is just how some things do not materialize ...
Yes indeed Frank, I get you on the blip. Some sign of life out there ay? Ok, the other one, off the same album (entire album only has a few goodies on it) is Speedy Marie. This is so good, it brings a tear to my eye.
Juxtaposed in each moment’s sight
Everything that I ever saw
And my one delight
Nothing can strike me in such awe
Mouth intricate shapes the voice that speaks
Always it will soothe
Rarer none are the precious cheeks
Is the size of each sculpted tooth
Each lip and each eye
Wise is the tongue, wet of perfect thought
And softest neck where always do I
Lay my clumsy thoughts
She is that most lovely art
Happy are my mind and my soul and my heart
How lovely is that!? God!
Wise is the tongue, wet of perfect thought. Mmm. Very nice.
Have a stunning weekend, be kind to yourself, and if you can't be kind to yourself, buy a really cool whip!
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