Forgiveness

Forgiveness: 28 days of it!

For the first few days I just sat up in bed and thought about forgiving The Fish.

I let myself remember what I had loved about her. She had been one of the most intense and funny people I had ever known. She was a little bit nerdy which I liked. She was pretty, outgoing, clever and rather thoughtful most of the time. I let myself feel how much I had loved her, how much the friendship meant to me. I could feel myself softening.

Day 4

It wasn’t till day four, October 10^th, that I got more specific. In my journal I wrote about the reasons why I'd loved her, how much it hurt to lose the friendship.

"I can’t control anyone, and I forgive you completely for walking away. I am released from the hurt. I release you from my anger and wishes of pain for you. The reason I’ve clung to this shard of anger was probably because I loved you so much. It was so humiliating to lose you and feel so abandoned and betrayed.”

I then imagined a Forgiveness room. It’s white and the ceiling is dome shaped. We’re standing opposite each other, The Fish and I, but we don’t look directly at each other. Our heads are bowed. From up and behind each of our heads rises a higher self. It’s like a glowing ghostly energy, roughly approximating human form, but not very successfully.

These higher selves, the selves that are always attuned to the endless source of love from which we all descend, then bow their ‘heads’ towards each other until they touch and merge at what would be the forehead.

We are pure consciousness now and can see what happened. We forgive. We understand. I am forgiving this. I can do this.

What I felt was this: she thought it was a matter of her own survival to drop the friendship. She needed security so much that being around me felt deeply unsettling and confronting. I still wasn’t conforming to societal standards and it was just not on anymore. Besides, as she had always told me, when she had a man, she really didn’t feel the need to work so hard on her friendships with women anyway. She’d always found being friends with women hard. So it felt like it was time to let go. She didn’t need me anymore, but in addition to that, I was recovering from a delicious depression. Not a great deal of fun.

Day Five October 11^th

Today I used the A Course In Miracles book for some inspiration. That book can be a real mind fuck sometimes, it’s written with a lot of Christianised language, but if you can get past that to the energy behind the words, it’s brilliant. Insert name of whoever you’re annoyed with ...

So this is lesson 89:

Behind this is a miracle to which I am entitled. Let me not hold a grievance against you, __________, but offer you the miracle that belongs to you instead. Seen truly, this offers me a miracle.

Let miracles replace all grievances.

I then wrote a bit more about releasing bitterness, recognising Fish as another piece of Goddess energy. Acceptance of her, of myself.

This isn’t as much fun as writing about awful dates is it? But if it’s useful to even one person, then I’m willing to be a little less fun at the moment.

It’s full moon on Wednesday. I’m going to be reviewing a play, some one man show ...something to do with him processing mental illness. Sounds like a hoot, I’ll be sure to share it with you. Have a gloriously forgiveness filled day darlings, and if you can’t forgive, enjoy your vengeful imaginings.