Rest From Internet Fishing, get back to Creating!

Picture: looking out my window in New Lynn.

Internet Dating ... when it's time to take a rest from it:

Helloooooo
well darlings, you know what I've realised? Using internet dating should only be done for as long as it's fun and 'frisky' (as E Hicks would say). When it becomes a bit of a bummer, and you feel sucky bannana, then it's time to get the hell out and focus on your creative or intellectual pursuits more!

Can you believe how much fucking energy goes into the want of romantic love? Well, I can, because I have been expending it. I do believe it's all good, that there is no waste of my energy in this regard. What I mean is, I know it's coming, it's like getting a job or finding a good flat. I've done the 'work' on myself. I'm sane, creative and full of looooooooooove!

I haven't done one painting since I've returned to NZ. I haven't made one clay doll's head, and I haven't been to any art gallery openings (why are they always on the days I can't make it?).

I reckon I just got a bit carried away with the net dating. I was cramming in 2 or 3 dates

some weeks, and sometimes you'd think 'no' as soon as you sat down, but still feel like you should spend an hour talking shit with that person. Or worse, I can't actually talk shit very well, so I'd feel the need to get way deep with someone I'd never want to see again.

Right now the sun is trying to shine through the clouds, clouds which are so puffy and low down that you feel hugged by the sky. That was one of the things I missed so much about NZ when I was in the big, far away skied Korea.

Last night I wrapped a blankie around me and sat in the deckchair on the front lawn (noisy with the cars, but ah well) and Tosca came out with me. We just hung out in the cool air. I looked up at the sky, could see the stars. Yesterday I was in bed all day recovering from a really delightful dose of food poisoning. Urgh, it was a both ends at once deal. I lamented the rare tuna and caramelised bannana as they forced their way out of me. That was the new FISH restaurant, formerly WHITE, the Hilton. God, it was good. Nice

waiter too, really naughty.

Picture: Dolly says hi to Buddha. Fun times.

I don't know if it was their food, or if I had an allergy to something in it. I suppose I should have rung and told them. I didn't start feeling better again till 9.30pm at night, so sick that even speaking was difficult.

I'd gone to FISH (terrible name, especially since the two main men in the restaurant were gay and you could imagine them saying 'ugghhhh, NO FISH!') with Feather, my dear work colleague and possible angel. It was her mum's birthday yesterday, so we honoured her with this lovely dinner since she left the earth a number of years ago. Feather showed me Maureen's picture and I was blown away by her beauty, one of those faces that are just so angelic. I know, I know, I'm going on about angels whenever I talk about Feather.

A lot of people would have gone to B street on K Rd last night, the bands playing as promoted by student radio in Auckland. As I sat in the chair wrapped in my blue woollen blankie looking up at the sky, I truly felt I didn't really want to be anywhere else.

Today I woke up feeling so rested, so purified (accidental fasting!), and have managed to get some washing done, changed the sheets, took photos of Tosca being cute. I looked at Amsbry's photos of Thailand on Facebook and commented on way too many of them.

Now that I don't have Findsomeone to take up too much of my creative energy, I guess I can start making doll heads and painting again! Wahooee, you know I love it.

So my dear sausages of love, today I plan on going to the run down Palm Springs hot pools out Helensville way with Brenda. I haven't hung out with Brenda before, but it should be lovely. If for any reason she can't make it, I'll go on my own and look up at the stars.

Right now, I think I need to buy clay to make some doll heads. Ooh goodie.

Be happy and safe, and if you can't be happy and safe, enjoy your misery!

xxxx

My Metaphorical Nuts, Mr Singlet, Improved Eyesight, and Sunny Daze!

Ah, so sorry about my last depressing blog. It was a bit of a bummer, but you know, getting out there and dating regularly takes big balls, and after Mr Eyebrows my

metaphorical nuts

had shrunk to the size of marbles.

In the meantime I've dated three more men, all of which were interested in seeing me again, but only one of which has any hope of compatibility. He has rather lovely eyes, but was quite reserved in nature upon our first meeting.

Well, I was really late, I forgot how long it took to drive to Mt Eden, geeze. Perhaps he was reserved because waiting around for some woman from the internet wasn't his idea of a fun way to spend a Saturday morning. Fair enough too. Let's just say me and time do not always see eye to eye. I'm working on that.

We could call this guy Mr Singlet because he appears on the internet dating site wearing a white one and looking quite muscly armed and sexy. He's a little bit of a bloke I think, but I'm liking that more these days. Maybe my hormones are up the jiggery pokery, but a man who knows how to work things and pick things up looks pretty good to me these days. I usually like men who have some interest in art and hopefully reasonable taste in music ... but if I can have it all then why not? Supposed to be a man shortage on. Not for me. Lots of yummy men out there, it's just a matter of sorting through them and enjoying meeting the ones you do date. Oh, and not getting over excited on date two and then all bummed out if the dude hasn't got his shit sorted out. Some people never grow up, and that's got little to do with me. If I want to make it about me, then sure, I can. It just won't lead me anywhere I wanna go will it?

On facbook I made a comment about protecting your 'fire'. I thought of Bear Grylls (pwoarh) chomping away on maggots, starting fires in the middle of wherethefuck, and thought 'well if we protected our positive energy like a small fire in the amazon at night, then we'd stand a much better chance of being mentally healthy'. Instead we live so much of life by default, letting whatever random crap that comes along into our lives.

We'll watch the news and think it's all completely real, we'll devour sad stories like chocolate biscuits during a premenstrual binge, we'll suck up gossip through the straw of fear and excitement .... but protecting peace and joy is so far from the focus of society that we struggle to maintain it on a daily basis.

How I maintain it ...

I write something positive in the mornings, try to make sure I pleasure myself regularly (think nice thoughts!), watch good stand up comedy (thanks Nate, I am still introducing Louis CK to anyone who will let me), wear nice clothes, attempt to exercise more than once a week, love the cat, talk about good things, listen to music in the car, smile at myself in the mirror. Anything you can think of that helps.

OH!!! GET THIS: My eyesight has improved! Hadn't been to the optometrist for about 3 years, had been buying lenses off the net cheaper, finally went and got them seen to and the woman goes
"Your optic nerve is looking really good!"
Ha ha ha! Get it? My optic nerve is LOOKING REALLY GOOD. So, that's fine, but in addition to this my base curve (eyeball shape) has dropped from 8.6 to 8.4 and the power from -5 to 4.75. I reckon it's because I made a decision (about three years ago) that my eyesight would not get worse anymore.
Wahooee!

What else ... well, 'Wylie' has been in touch. Oh yeah, I know, yadda yadda, he's a bad bad man, he only wants to fuck me and use me. But I do want to resolve it for once and for all. I want to look in his eyes and ask him "what happened?".

I'm asking the angels for help on it. I can't do it on my own steam, it has to come from a part of me that's more evolved, otherwise I'll end up under the powers of my, er, 'base chakra'. Time to rise above (rise above! rise above! Is that Black Flag?).

My metaphorical nuts are getting bigger by the day. Watch out.

Disappointed , but that's ok. Rejection sucks balls.

God, rejection sucks balls doesn't it?

The End of Mr Eyebrows

Even though I have about 10 other men on the dating website who are interested in meeting me, I of course get all excited about one person with great eyebrows. He's nothing like what I'd normally go for either, but he really had something in him ... maybe it was magic saliva?

I continue to be positive in my expectations. There isn't much else one can do in Love, or we'll all end up being cynical old shit heads who drink too much and masturbate excessively and cry ourselves to sleep. Ha ha!

I dunno, I think Mr Eyebrows just had this quality I felt 'at home' with. He felt like a real person who was being honest with me. Maybe he was, but he didn't tell me that he 'doesn't really know' what he wants from life until today (I did ask if he was still processing a prior relationship, had to get this all over with). Nope, reckons he's dealt with his last relationship. Just doesn't know what he wants and thinks I'm 'sweet'. Sweet. Jesus. Thanks. Sigh.

How can anyone get to be 45 and not know what they want? No, I'm not being silly, I'd really like to know. I don't get it. I've known what I wanted since I was five. To love and be loved. To sing. To make people laugh. To be understood and to understand.Oh no. I AM SWEET. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

A SUCK it, so be it. I am sweet. There, I admit it.

The Sexy Ex visited last night. Bought over chicken and veges and had a shared meal with my flattie and her son. We all watched True Blood together and crapped ourselves with excitement. It was really sweet.

xxx

How to think of things .... mum, guilt, shopping ...

Something I think everyone struggles with now and then is how to communicate with one's mother. It doesn't seem to matter how well you get on with her, there will be moments when it just isn't going as peachily as you'd wish.

My mum is lovely, but boy, when we misunderstand each other it's not a pretty sight. I've been practicing my practical spiritual applications to the situation for years now, but feel like I'm only just getting there. It's been slow going, but yep, I'm getting there.

Today's E Hick's inspirational card says:
"There is nothing for me to guard against.You exist in a place of absolute well-being; tell yourself that again and again. Know it. Be the evidence of it to give others reason to believe that all can be well."

Mum and I argued last night. Well, I think it was an argument anyway. I didn't feel angry, but at the same time, I decided to just call things exactly as I saw them, refusing to take on the roles normally assigned to me. For example, in a disagreement you might always be cast as the bully, or maybe the victim. I have mainly chosen the victim role in my life in the past, but with mum, funnily enough, I end up being the 'bully'. I just couldn't do it last night. I told her what I was thinking, but of course she just cried. I wasn't really upset by her tears either. I've seen too many of them.

I wasn't sure if the way I felt and dealt with this was cruel. I normally end up saying sorry, even when I've done nothing wrong. I didn't do that. I tried to explain where I was coming from, that I don't want to play out these roles anymore, that I love her, but if she accuses me of things I'm not even doing, then I will stand up for myself. She said I was putting on a 'voice'. God, maybe I was.

I sometimes find that a voice stronger and calmer than my everyday voice will come out of me when I need it to ... and I think it really irritates mum because it might seem fake to her. For me it's been a life saver. It's the voice of reason that lurks beneath all my fears and anger. If I sound like a wanker, ah well, at least I'm a wanker that isn't shouting or abusing anyone.

Despite this weird 'argument' about nothing, we've had a really nice time together since mum came over to visit on Friday night. We went to 'Calendar Girls' which I reviewed, it was pretty mediocre, but something fun to do. Yesterday we caught up with The Sexy Ex and assisted him in buying NEW CLOTHES! Yes, it's the first time in five whole years that TSE has bought new clothes without his mother somehow being involved. You can imagine my excitement. The control. The bossiness. The Voice that came from me. I marched into the shopping complex like a fucking drill sergeant and proceeded to look for sales.

Mum and TSE trailed after me like dazed kittens, and in Just Jeans I allowed TSE to listen to a pretty shop girl for far too long before calling out
"You may as well look at the jeans that are on special first"

Made him try on the really skinny jeans first, but they were too high waisted and grabbed his cock and balls in a denim vice. Not a good look. He ended up going for the slightly wider leg and getting a really good deal thanks to my razor sharp specials-hunting mind. If he'd gone in alone he would have been sold one pair of over-priced jeans by one of the wee girls in the shop. He looked absolutely gorgeous, and then we all went to Arthur's, a turkish cafe/restaurant in Kingsland. I had Affogatto (which I believe I'm spelling wrong) which mum shared, and TSE had a lemon lime and bitters.

Got home and Tenika the sweet flatmate was getting ready to go out. She looked stunning in a one shouldered, 70's inspired dress.

Drank some bubbly she offered and got a bit drunk really quickly. Fight with mum ensued. Don't really know what it was about. I wasn't really fighting from my end, but it really was one of those situations where you couldn't do anything ... you just had to hold your own peace, exist in a place of well being, don't let guilt eat into your heart like a sneaky cancer. I hugged mum for a long time. She's still grieving for Nanna, and she's been doing so well. Not sure how else I could have been last night, nothing I said helped, it was like the script was already running in her mind and she couldn't really hear me.

I kept saying "the thing is, when we don't agree or misunderstand each other, I know it's only on the surface ... that the love we have is the only real thing anyway"
but she kept on crying.

And that's ok. If you have to cry, then cry. Just don't say it's my fault. ;)

You are in a place of absolute well-being ... know it ... be the evidence of it.

Mr Eyebrows ....

Here I am in my nice room with my furry beast of love, Tosca, or Tosser as she is sometimes known.

Today's card of inspiration from E Hicks:

"As you look for things to appreciate, praise, or enjoy, you achieve vibrational harmony with your own Source (higher self), and with all that is good. And then, the powerful Law of Attraction brings more good things to you."

Yeah baby, bring it!

You know what I like to do? I'll sometimes look in the mirror and say to myself 'yeah, you are a bit sexy and good looking arent' you'. So much better than lamenting the latest wrinkle or whatever it is that I'm supposed to be worried about. I think I've been preparing for getting older since I was about 19, so I should be fine with it.

Being in NZ is so much better for one's sexual ego (and options). The Internet Dating Scene is rife with horny men (and if sex alone is what you want, you are spoilt for choice).

Mr Eyebrows:

Goddamit it, he's hot. We got on really well, he sparkled his eyes at me, we went on date two on Tuesday and then got all kissy bannana. Trouble is, think I broke some rule or something, talked way too much about deep things and may have scared him. He is a Cancerian after all, and aren't they prone to scuttling under rocks and hiding?

Yeah, I should (and I don't mean this) be following those rules about keeping things light. I just can't though. It's boring. If I want light, I'll talk to someone in a shop.

We're still in contact, but I feel like he's pulled back and now I've gone 'oh shit, he knows how much I liked him and he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME'.

Can't really see how that's possible, I'm a fucking catch! I have no insane ex partners, no children, no debt (ok, let's not count student loans) and I'm dynamite in the sack (not that he knows that yet).

So I'm going to do what E Hicks suggests. What went well? I met a sexy, intelligent, honest man who spent time with me and was kind and interesting. I'll just calm myself down a bit. God, it's the hormones I think. Yes, coming up to Moon Time physically and literally.

Gotta go to work now, going to run late otherwise.

love ya, send me a relationship success vibe will you?

Life is Bloody Good!

Picture shows me whoring a coat on Trademe. No buyers.

Had a really sexy dream about the guy who plays Eric from True Blood. One of those dreams that was so real, I can still taste his skin.

In 'real life', I am recovering from the Flu, nothing compared to the hacking horror of illness in the merciless Korean primary school system, but enough to have tired me out and slowed me down.

The Net update:

I've said I'll catch up with Mr Chambray again. He is so named for his light denim-like shirt, a popular choice in the 1980's and briefly revisited as a fashion look for girls under 25.

He was a perfectly nice man with very beautiful eyes, we talked easily and I did wonder if maybe there could be chemistry. The thing that might throw a spanner into those works is his taste in music.

The Scorpions. I think they're a dodgy hair metal band from the early 1980's. Youtube it. You'll see what I mean.

Ok, just you tubed them myself and they would best be known for 1988's 'Wind of Change', which has that nice whistling at the start. They've been around since the 70's, and the lead singer is a man who insists on keeping his hair long and fluffy even when it's receding on the top.

Having said that, I have gone out with people with varying taste levels when it comes to music, and sometimes those with 'the best taste' are a bit prone to being judgemental and arseholey anyway. Remember Mr Arrogant? He had the BEST taste in music, but he was such a dick head.

I have a coffee date thismorning at 11. I think. Wait, I'll check my phone.

So yes, I'm having coffee with what looks like might be a nice, normal-ish man who has quite good taste in music and very good eyebrows. Lush and thick. Mr Eyebrows!

As far as life goes in general, I have been catching up with The Sexy Ex every now and then for more than a cup of tea. It's just as well really. I was feeling quite strange about my sudden longing for Wylie, The Engineer, but once I'd caught up with TSE I calmed down again. Got it all back in perspective.

I know that TSE and I are not meant to be together in the long term. We have tried so many times, but he really can't commit. That's ok, our arrangement seems to be working well for both of us. I don't feel attached, but it is lovely to spend the time together once every two weeks or so.

As for Creating the Life you Want ... it all seems to be going rather well doesn't it? I have a great job, I'm saving up to visit (hopefully) Claire in Vietnam at the end of the year (or November-ish) and I adore my flatmate and friend Tenika. I'm getting on well with Feather from work, and I actually tidied my room yesterday and it looks fucking amazing. God I have good taste.

So yes, I can list all these things, but more than that is this feeling of contentment that runs through me. I love focusing on what is good and what's actually working well each day. I wake up and I ly in bed thinking of things I am grateful for. I seem to be surrounded by kind and helpful people where ever I go. Life is bloody good.