Photo: at Rachalle's on Friday night, having dinner before going out.
October 30th 2011
Sunday
God, what a good morning. Strawberries with Piako gourmet yoghurt and a sprinkling of puffed Amaranth (Donna had Amaranth when I stayed with her and Claire in their Titirangi mansion).
Three coffees and clean sheets, writing and forgiveness work ... and hearing “Just like Honey” by Jesus and Mary Chain on the radio has all put me in a very good frame of mind.
Forgiveness today:
From lesson 90, ACIM:
Let me recognize the problem so it can be solved ... the problem is always some form of grievance that I would cherish. Let me also understand that the solution is always a miracle with which I let the grievance be replaced.
Every problem already contains a solution if we are willing to see it. I like that – to think that ‘a problem’ is already a miracle. It means you can’t ever view problems in the same light again.
Golden Dawn:
Had fun with Rachalle on Friday, we abandoned all original plans and went to Golden Dawn instead of a party or the Q Bar.
There was a Halloween theme at GD; fortunately (?) I was dressed appropriately as I thought I was going to Imogen’s Eurotrash party.
We walked in as some kind of ‘dance’ was going on. It was basically an excuse for two mediocre dancers to perform a soft core lesbian vampire show. Some men in the audience looked glazed and thirsty, possibly sporting semi’s. I suppose some of the women had softies. A soft on.
Saw the ex boyfriend of a girl I used to be friends with. He was all decked out in jewellery and leather; he used to wear a lot of tye-dye. I complimented his daring hairdo, but after that, I had nothing. He complimented my ensemble. He had nothing either.
He introduced me to his friend, and I introduced Rachalle, and he pointed out the ‘vodka slide’ to us. Two long slabs of ice on an angle with a channel running down the middle. Vodka is poured down the channel for the two people kneeling, ready to receive their spirited communion. Rule was that you had to kiss whoever you decided to commune with.
We ended up talking to this guy we’d met through another friend before. He fancied Rachalle, so I talked to his friend. For some reason I was feeling quite confrontational and we ended up getting into quite a heated discussion about romance, empathy, sex and mental illness. No small talk here. He said he did have the capacity to just ‘switch off’ with a woman. I was incredulous; how is this possible, to love someone, and then just go ‘ooh, what’s over there?’ like a dog noticing a rabbit or something?
I exhausted myself and didn’t really want to talk anymore. I was sick of leaning forward to hear what they were saying, and they had strange energy.
When I said I didn’t drink excessively or take drugs (been there done that) the skinny guy said “Oh you’re really boring” and I agreed. I said
“Yes, yes you’re right, I think I might be one of the most boring people in existence and I like it.” He didn’t really know what to say back to that.
Rachalle had slinked away to talk to someone else, and I looked around wishing I could find someone nice to talk to. Yes. Nice. I’d have traded clever for kindness or wisdom in a heartbeat. (Been playing Babyshambles ‘fuck forver’ a lot this week).
At some point before Rachalle got away she pointed out this girl who was desperate for a vodka shot from the ice slide. I waved at her -“I’ll do it with you”
Shook her hand and said hello, as if we were at a church fete. Her name was something like Pascalle or Paloma. She was blonde and smiley but tight lipped; the kiss was a bit disappointing. Still, I enjoyed the cold feeling of the ice on my lips when the vodka slid down my throat.
Now on the radio ... I like that Florence song that says ‘it’s always darkest before the dawn’ as there’s some line about taking out your heart and restarting it. If only that were possible!Ooh and god, they just said they’re going to play Tom Waits ‘Same kind of Bad as Me’. Thanks Mr Waits. “No good you say? Well that’s good enough for me.”
Fun lyrics!
Yesterday I had my internet date, it was fine. He wants to see me again, and maybe I will. Have to see how I feel; he’s nice enough, attractive in his way, but I just don’t know that we have enough in common.
The orchid Andrew gave me about two months ago is still alive which is amazing, I usually kill plants quite quickly. Made us a crazy healthy dinner last night, back into the Quinoa, god it’s yum. Had it with broccoli, mushrooms, some tamari sauce and a pile of buttered asparagus.
Saw mum yesterday and walked around from Murray’s Bay to Rothesay bay with her. Stopped and talked to a cat, and a Tui swooped so close that we could see all the oily blue green of it’s plumage. Everything was imbued with meaning and beauty.
Picked our way along the beach at low tide on our way back, saw moss growing on wet rocks and imagined tiny trolls might come out for a little wank.
We made up some new words for James Blunt’s ‘your beautiful’ as I suddenly envisioned him singing to the severed head of a murder victim in a plastic bag. We thought this was hilarious: “I saw your face, in a plastic bag, and I don’t know what to do, cos I’ve gone and murdered you ... you’re beautiful ... it’s true.’ I think an album entitled ‘Songs for Stalkers’ would be great. It would have all the songs on it that sound a bit strange and suspect, like ‘every breath you take’ by Sting. Someone who watches you all the time? Creepy.
Sunday avo:
Caught up with Mike, hadn’t seen him for a million years. He’s in a lovely relationship, and looking good as ever. Had some wine in the garden bar of the Belgian beer bar in Ponsonby, talked about my job and also about dating and how difficult it can be to read others. Who knows what planet others are on?
What I do think is that it pays not to make assumptions about anything. David, why couldn't you have talked to me? I'm not going to make someone else responsible for my feelings.
“I wish I could leave my body for awhile”
“Oh darling, you don’t mean you want to die or anything?”
“Oh shit no, I just mean it would be great to leave my body for awhile, go flying out high above everything so that I had a really good perspective of it all ... and then when I returned I would really know that I’m not separate from anyone or anything.”
“Yeah, that sounds good”.
That’s the work though isn’t it? Connect with that higher perspective without having to leave the body to do it. I’m getting there. It’s slowly taking shape.
So I’m sending you all love and light, a feeling of being anchored safely in your body. We’re all connected. We are all loved, divine and mundane. Watch it and feel it, it’s our own creation, the story of the moment. If you feel hurt, feel hurt, it’s ok. You’re scared? Join the club. You’re alone? That could never be. And wait. There it is. You let it go and then you were returned to yourself, perfect, whole, lovable.
The light is pouring through the window.
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