A bit of Culture! Touch Compass Dancers are amazing.

1/7/12   Darlings, it’s July already!

Last night Handsome Rob and I went and saw  Touch Compass perform Run, Slip, Spring.  Touch Compass, a professional mixed ability dance company,  are also celebrating 15 years of performing. My friend, Suzanne Cowan, is one of the dancers in the second ‘chapter’ (Slip). I love it. My heart is pounding really hard; I am bewitched by movement, as if the dancing somehow interprets the wordless, divine state. You know I’m a words girl, but this makes me want to slide across the stage on my belly wearing purple tights.

 A small excerpt from Run, with Daniel King and Melanie Turner.

The first part is so rich, there’s a lot of dressing, undressing and I take it to mean we’re all playing games with perception and identity. In the end, they’re all wearing the same thing; there is pressure to conform to one idea, one uniform, and one standard.  This is particularly powerful when you’re looking at a variety of people with varying physical ability.  I find it mesmerizing.  I’m not so sure about the woman who comes out and sings. She’s got a great voice, it’s true, but it feels a bit Christian or something. Do you know what I mean? She’s this very attractive blonde decked out in black velvet and heels (which would be cool if she suddenly whipped them off) and she sings like she’s in a conservative club for discerning gentlemen, or about to win Australian Idol. So yeah, most of the audience would like it.

This is another snippet from Run.

 I've got my camera out and am filming little snippets when possible, but the Indian man next to me has a big, clumsy, noisy ‘real’ filming camera. It keeps beeping. In the end a lighting guy comes and tells us not to film or take photos as the light is really distracting for people. Oh pooh, I didn't get very good footage of Suzanne. Strangely, after we've already been told off, a lady behind us leans forward and tells the Indian man off again. She's all white, middle aged and righteous.

He sneakily tries to keep filming and I nudge him and say

“You’re gonna get in trouble”. I’m in a good mood.

Poor quality film sorry. That's Suzanne on the bottom right, with a ponytail.

 Part two, Slip, is really industrial, the movements are jerky, the theme seems to be about almost reaching a goal, but then having something jerk you back again. Suzanne races around in her wheelchair like a possessed automaton, and in contrast to Run, there is minimal light and colour.  It feels intense. The struggle established in Run continues, an interplay of embraces and graceful fights. Everyone seems separate, and then they are entwined, pushing, holding, fighting, or surrendering to one another.

Part three, Spring, involves aerial bungee and feels really playful. Man, I want to have a go on the aerial bungee. There are two dancers in this part that I know, Matt Gibbons (of long ago, in the days of the 398 Warehouse) and Sarah Houbolt. Sarah was in a cabaret production that I reviewed for Theatreview a few years ago. Wished I could have filmed some of this, but I’m sure their website will eventually have footage: http://www.touchcompass.org.nz/productions

Spring feels light and free. There’s humour and play between the male and female dancers that feels challenging and sexy. I love it when Alisha McLennan flies out over us like an angel thanks to the bungee cord. I’m sitting really close and it was a moment of real joy. Matt moves as if through water at times, watching him with Sarah is beautiful. It culminates with Matt and Sarah in a seamless embrace, spinning on the cords, suspended a few feet above the stage. The other couple (Alisha and Adrian Smith) is also spinning above the stage, their bodies are held away from each other. My eyes are drawn to the close embrace, the efficiency of the spinning, the way Sarah’s tiny body is enveloped in Matt’s large frame.

Suzanne is a talented dancer and inspiring beast of love.

Afterwards it was time to congratulate Suzanne and have a few drinks. Matt came and said hi, he knows Rob too, so it was another one of those ‘oh Auckland, aren’t you adorable’ moments. Matt hasn’t changed, other than being more muscled than he was 20 years ago! He’s making a film on something to do with drugs and self discovery, so that’ll be interesting.

Today, off to visit me ma! Oh, and yesterday I did heaps on tidying my room. Toscat is very impressed.

 Love  to you all

x

Landy Hugged Me, Shitty Dream, ADHD Tips!!!

28^th June 2012 (that's the 27th for Americans, Back To The Future!)

Land lady hugged me, Shitty Dream, Chocolate Raisins ...ADHD update

 Friendship

It was so good to have Lou and Johnny visit on Saturday. Being with people who really like you for exactly who you are is one of the best pills you can take. It’s also excellent to be friends with a couple and not feel like a third wheel. Took ‘em on 'the walk', and we ventured a little way into the bush. It rained on the way, but  when the sun came out it looked like the trees were emanating light. I pretended to be mentally deficient, but not as a slur against the intellectually disabled. It was therapy. Lisa was here over the weekend, and she went out with Tieneke and I to a yoga people party. 

 The Landy (Land Lady) Hugged Me

 What’s funny is that I had already planned on Lisa visiting weeks ago, and she had already agreed to help me with my place long before the Landy relayed her dear Plumber’s views on my housekeeping (or lack thereof).

I had liked my Landy prior to her telling me that ‘it no problem till you come’ regarding her dodgy drains.

What I did consider was that she is excessively tidy herself, so seeing my place in such a mess would be really stressful for her. I also gritted my teeth as I acknowledged the truth; ongoing clutter is dirty. Sure, a pile here and there for a few days is fine, but my piles usually sit there for a month.

When the Landy popped down to ask if things were going okay with the plumbing,  she got a good eyeful of my sexy kitchen space. She was so delighted. She smiled and said “good on you!” and grabbed me and hugged me. I said “well, I don’t want you to think I don’t respect you”.

“Oh, that what my plumber say”

“Well yes, but of course you must feel that way or you wouldn’t have told me that.”

“Sometime, people when they care, they tell the hard thing.”

“Yes, that’s true”.

She also said something about the rainfall being very heavy recently in regard to the plumbing. Lisa said it was a bit of back tracking in her opinion. Let’s hope so.

 In the meantime,  I will get onto calling the Tenancy services and make sure all my little duckies are in a row.

EFT

Hey, I think I’m going to try and make my own EFT vids … hee hee, I’ll do funny ones (but they’ll be seriously effective).

Chocolate Raisins

So, raisins are chemical explosions of shite. You have to get organic ones if you don’t want to accidentally embalm yourself.  Whatever the case, I am craving choccie raisins, so I must go and get organic ones and then dip them in dark, dark chocolate. Excited? Me too. Yes Lou and Johnny, I will make some pour vous!

Shitty Dream

I live in this warehouse, and my bed is some sort of makeshift mattress on the floor. I wake up and realize the Sexy Ex was in bed with me. He’s somehow managed to sneak in!

“Ooh,” I think, “I’m so angry … but I do want sex  …”

In this conflicted state, I then notice that the bed doesn’t feel very nice.

I get up and turn on the light and see that the Sexy Ex has lost control of his bowels, and that there’s diarrhea through the sheets. I feel quite sick, and woke him up. I feel sorry for him.

“Hey,” he smiles at me seductively

“I really missed you …”

“Ah, yeah, well do you realize you’ve … shit in the bed?”

With horror he looks down and realizes what’s happened. He apologises profusely and can’t understand how he did this in his sleep.

“Hey,” I smile, “these things happen. Tell you what, help me clean it up and then you can go.”

Well, what do you make of it? If you go for the dream analysis where he is also part of me, then I guess it’s about not shitting the bed, metaphorically or otherwise.

 ADHD update! Yes folks, I’ve now been on ye olde Ritalin for just over a month now. What I’ve learned so far …

The before Picture (and there's more mess you can't see)

Shelving helps, but without help I would've just filled it with  crap. 

 1)   As I suspected, Ritalin is an excellent tool, but one you have to master. Someone could give you a piece of amazing equipment, but if you have no idea how to use it, then you might end up wasting a lot of opportunities.

An increased world of order and focus that has opened in my brain, but learning how to use it effectively is the challenge.  I have to say, my online Scrabble is going well, but I need to delay gratification and do the dishes first.

This is pretty obvious stuff. We all know this, but I really do feel like it’s impossible when I look at a big pile of mess. I’ve always thought it was my character at fault (which others are quick to agree with), but now I know it’s possible to improve my situation. I’m so grateful that I have a manageable lack of dopamine in the brain, as opposed to say, taking a synthetic drug and eating off someone’s face (thanks for telling me about that Lou. You forgot to mention that the cannibal man was also naked. )

2)   Get Help … yes, that means you might have to ask for it.

Yes indeed.  I asked my dear friend Lisa (the Tattooed Lady of the North) to help me with my place (see photo for results). I thought she might donate an hour or two, but instead she spent from 4.30pm to almost midnight on Saturday helping me get the kitchen completely sorted. On Sunday she organized the bedroom well enough for me to tackle in the coming month. What worked about this is the way she spoke to me.

“What  I thought we could do,” she said gently, “is pile everything on the bed. If it’s ok, we won’t stop and do any detailed sorting out, like looking at photos and reminiscing. Does that sound okay?”

“Yes, I’m Ritalined. Let’s do it.”

I bagged up stuff for the op shop, stuff to give away, and was so blown away by how good things looked that I felt a bit dizzy. When things were piled on the bed, we then started sorting, figuring out what went where. We stopped for a few breaks and she trusted me enough to cut and colour her hair.

“What if I cut the fringe wrong?”

“Oh,” she said smoothly, “I’ll just look like a nerd, and I don’t really mind that.”

Fortunately it looked good.

Throughout her stay with me, Lisa did the dishes quite quickly after a meal, and sometimes when she did things she said why and explained simple habits that were useful to keep. This really stuck with me, and I’ve since been able to keep up the standard set over the weekend.

As for the bedroom … that’s my mission for the weekend to come.

Lists are Your Friend

Yes, lists work for anyone, but they are ESSENTIAL for me now.  An ADHD person needs structure in order to function well. If you have ADHD children, show them how to make lists and use them. Encourage them to feel empowered when they tick off the tasks they’ve accomplished.

Lisa advised that I write a list even for the simple things like my morning routine.  She does it herself,  and I was surprised when she said she writes down every task she has to do before she gets out the door, or she’ll forget something. I thought she magically KNEW how to do stuff and not get distracted and lose time. She said some people might, but that she likes writing lists anyway and gets a feeling of great satisfaction when she ticks things off.

I now have a little notebook in any bag I take out, not just for lists, but also for brilliant ideas.

I feel less guilt and anxiety these days. I didn’t even realize how much my mind mulched over things until recently. Like a relentless old washing machine chewing up your favourite jumper. Don’t get me wrong, someone can say something and I’ll still play it over and over in my mind, but it’s a little bit easier to switch channels or find a way to deal with it than it used to be.

Ooh, and I went and had another EXCELLENT healing with Karen Reid from The Healing Company. Wow. Very nice. 

Love to you all! Go on, give a little love away. Go on! You know you want to. Just remember, don’t shit where you eat (or sleep) my friend.

Crappy Land Lady ... and I still believe in Love.

It’s back to forgiveness isn’t it? What? That old biscuit? Yes, I’m afraid so. If it weren’t for forgiveness I could get in touch with my birth father and ask him to get some old acquaintances to rub out my land lady for being so ridiculous. Fortunately for her, I have no such inclination. She’s let me know that she thinks it is my fault that the toilet got blocked and that the shower plughole recently vomited up water, coffee grinds and leaves. She’s off on holiday soon and said that if anything went wrong with the plumbing again she would not be paying for it to get fixed. Well there’s the attitude. What a gem. I was incredibly angry but kept on trying to be logical about it “well, you know how a car sometimes needs maintenance, perhaps that’s what’s happened with the plumbing here?”

She laughed at me as if that weren’t even in the realms of possibility, though it’s fairly obvious to anyone that she must have had a cheapo job done and now the cracks are beginning to show.

“No,” she said “no problem last tenant. Now you here, toilet block, all toilet paper. Shower block. It hair. Plumber say you show no respec with messy. He say it not good, you no respec me. You say you keep place nice.”

Well yes, but it’s not my fault that your crappy plumbing is now busting a seam during the heavy rainfall.

Her shitty plumber, (probably paid in shoddy blowjobs) has come in to the flooded bathroom and judged my state of hygiene on that.  Sigh. Yes, the rest of the flat is cluttered, but not dirty.  The flooded bathroom was disgusting because that’s the only place I could put piles of wet, coffee grinds tainted towels and assorted items that had been ruined by the water rushing into the bedroom area the other night. Let’s face it; if you’ve got good plumbing then it’s unlikely that the grinds you put down the kitchen sink are going to appear up in the bathroom later in the week.

But no, it’s easier to blame my hair. I do have a lot of hair, but you know, I’ve been flatting for 20 years and I’ve never had a shower flood out like that before. I’ve also not ever had a toilet block like that either … and I was usually flatting with other people who also shat and shed hair on a regular basis.

Anyway, I’m over it.  In the end I said to her “I don’t think it’s going to be a problem anymore” and this placated her. I don’t know why. I’m not reliably psychic.  She smiled and said “oh good, let’s put it behind us” and I said “yes, I think it’s all going to be okay”.

I do like to ponder the spiritual significance of it all. Could the drains represent my inner workings? Should I get my own plumbing checked? Am I blocked in some way? A block that did come unstuck for me today was the Sexy Ex issue.

Sadly, our parting of ways was not done maturely on his part (and why would it be?). I tried to be grown up about his sudden vanishing, but for some reason the land lady being a dick really sharpened feelings of anger and frustration. I sent Andrew an email saying what I thought (there was no mincing of words), and I’m glad to say he’s explained why he had to cut off all contact (which did make me feel better but I'll keep it private).

He could have told me and still cut off contact and I would have accepted it. I know he’s not ‘the one’, but as I said to him, he’s still been ‘a one’ that I’ve learned a lot with. Still, perhaps there really was no other way.

If we keep being ‘friends’ then we keep sleeping together, there just doesn’t seem to be any way around it. The only way to stop is to stop seeing each other, and eventually, one of us will meet someone else. I have to say, it has been quite lovely to have had such a good level of lust with a boyfriend/lover. I am quite lucky really.

I also know I’m lucky that I’ve experienced true love a number of times. I’ve kept most of the love letters and poems boyfriends have given me, and I know that for a time, that love seemed like a forever kind of thing.

I still believe.

I've felt like I've really been part of someone and they've been part of me. I've had multiple orgasms that make my eyes roll back into my head. I've loved a man so much I thought he could kill me and I'd forgive him. Perhaps a killing and forgiving kind of love is tied in with fear and addiction instead of joy and freedom? I'm not sure how it all works, but one thing's for sure:

I still believe.

EFT, Prometheus, Friendship, Party (a guy called me a prick, ha ha!)

19th June 2012

YES, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A DICK AND THAT'S OK! Tap-along!

I've mentioned 'EFT' a few times now, (Emotional Freedom Technique) and even though it looks silly and you feel a bit of a dick when you're doing it, I find it really effective. I didn't like Brad Yates at first, for some reason his wholesome persona freaked me out a bit, but then I got over it. He reminds me of a young, better looking version of the father from the American Pie movie (the dad who gives his son a fine selection of pornography for educational purposes). And look at his jumper, it's classic. I'd wear that jumper.

I like David Childerly's accent ... (you feel like he's about to put on a pot of tea at any moment).  I have a little crush on David Childerly actually, I imagine he'd be quite fun to hang out with! I have no idea if he's gay, straight or otherwise, but I imagine he'd be the kind of boyfriend who'd stop as you were walking along and say "I can feel the vibrations of the trees ... they're sharing their energy with us ... the oxygen ... it's really turning me on ... quick, I must take you in this little clearing ..." (and then go home for a cup of tea).

EFT works on acupressure points to help shift subconscious blocks or beliefs as you do the affirmations. Affirmations alone are fine, but I find that I feel like I'm lying to myself sometimes, and when I 'tap' it must help me in some kinesthetic sense to absorb it.

Although there is 'no plausible' explanation for why EFT is effective, I don't really give a shit, as long as something works. Placebo? Fine. Give it to me. If you look EFT up on Wiki, it also says there is no evidence that traditional Chinese medicine 'concepts' such as acupuncture points even exist. Fine. That's an excellent ethnocentric assumption which throws away thousands of years experimentation and experience. 

Anyway, don't listen to me. Just try it; do EFT every day in the morning and at night for a month and see if it does anything. My only motivation in sharing this is to be helpful.

PROMETHEUS (spoilers)

Last Thursday Handsome Rob took me out for a lovely feed at a nice Italian joint on the waterfront, then we went to the Prom. It was a toss up between Prometheus or The Dictator, so we opted for the one that was on sooner.

Tieneke had already warned me that it was disappointing. I was able to enjoy it for exactly what it was, and yes, it was a bit silly at times. The best review of it (the quick, funny version) is on Youtube by Red Letter Media. Agreed on so many points ... a lot of what they said resonated with me!

 Why on earth (or space) would a highly educated group of people take off their space helmets on a planet where they've just found a whole lot of dead aliens who were running away from something?

 Why was the robot guy such a prick? Was he beginning to get human feelings and obviously resented everyone looking down on his robotness? 

Why did that old guy have such bad makeup? Couldn't they find an old person to begin with, like in Cocoon?

Why didn't they let us see Charlize Theron getting in on with the cheeky captain? That would have been hot. And yes, as with Red Letter Media, I just cannot fathom the bit where the geologist claims he can't be present with an alien corpse as he's into rocks. Look, I'm no geologist, but even I, a mere part time English teacher and confessed curiouso (no such a word, but let's say it's one) would be very keen to take a look at a long-dead decapitated giant alien. I thought that the geologist must have had his own agenda (didn't everyone?) and that was why he pretended to be afraid. I assumed he wanted to do an Aladdin and find anything worth stealing ... but instead it seems like they were just wandering aimlessly. Like you'd imagine a highly educated geologist would. Shit. I'm into rocks in a way that's not even educated, and I'd be touching the walls as if they were the limbs of a lover!

Oh and yes, the penis snake in the water. If I saw that thing I would FREAK. I would not be speaking to it like it was a kitten. Why would a crusty, aggressive, formerly freaked out guy suddenly go all gooey over a nasty looking penis/vagina snake that comes out of the water like a submarine scope?  Ooohhh, look, it wants to say hello! Awww, it's the only living thing we've encountered on a planet where we've found dead beings ... who were running away from something. Let's give it a wee pat shall we? 

All that aside, what a visually amazing movie. Loved the beginning, and I didn't go expecting it to be something that would win prizes for the story line. 

What did win a prize was a movie I watched with The Painter and his flatmate on Friday night. The Mission (1986) won the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival; it tells the story of a Jesuit Priest (Jeremy Irons) and how he wins the trust of the South American Indian tribe, the Guarani. They build a mission and are basically living in paradise.

It's lush and epic , set in the 1750's, and although the love the Priest has for his flock is pure, political forces conspire to create the kind of outcome one expects from men who are motivated by greed and ignorance. I can't say too much as you may want to watch it, but perhaps line up something cheery afterwards. I fell a little in love with Robert De Niro in this. (Not at first of course, he starts out as a complete asshole.) I also appreciated the occassional glimpse of the young Liam Neeson (mmm). Painter thought that Aidan Quinn looked like a bird, but not in a good way (alarmed? too wide eyed?). I thought Quinn was quite hot, especially when he ran down the stairs pulling on his clothes. 

Help me with my sin, ha ha.

Party

Rachalle looked absolutely gorgeous for her birthday, and there were about 20 people milling around talking, drinking or eating the vegan fare. Rachalle has about three vegan friends and out of consideration for them happily decided to make it a vegan only spread. How kind! 

I decided to limit myself to two glasses of wine. I introduced myself to people and was ignored by this older man (I thought he might have been Rachalle's dad, but evidently not). I didn't feel terribly offended though. Turns out he was quite intoxicated, so perhaps he was just in another world.

One very shy guy ignored me when I said hello, so I was a smart arse to him, but in a way that I thought was funny. He was smiling, so I'd like to think I succeeded.

I had some excellent conversations with people, and then me and this guy in a red t shirt went into a room where a couple of drunk men were attempting to play guitars.

Red t shirt guy picked up a guitar too and had a fiddle around, and I was just sitting in a chair talking to one of the drunk guys. There was a microphone on a stand in the middle of the floor. A woman walked in; she talked to the drunk guy for a moment before suddenly swinging the microphone stand around and pointing it into my face.

 "Intimidated?" she asked 

"Ah, no, it isn't even on ..."

"Well you should turn it on shouldn't you?" she said, before walking out.

A little later the older Ignore Me guy started to play from the collection of songs Rach has in a folder. Henry Lee by Nick Cave and the darling PJ Harvey, one of my favourites. We started singing it, and this time a young drunk guy came in and made me sing into the microphone. I complied and really enjoyed myself. Afterwards, the young guy (a handsome bogan) stared at me intently and said "you have a really good voice and you're pretty". This wasn't one of Rachelle's friends, it was the friend of a friend.

Well I liked the compliment, but sadly, he was so drunk that he had the strangest come on I've ever experienced. He started treating me like a sort of sparring partner, even lightly hitting me in the stomach and swearing at me! I got a bit of a fright when he hit my stomach and (my reflexes must be good) I punched him straight back, really hard. I told him not to punch me, that I'm delicate, but he said he hadn't ... he obviously didn't realise his own strength. I kept moving away from him, and he kept following me.

Rachalle and I danced to some T-Rex (baby strange!). I'd like to call ya, I'd like to ball ya, oohhh, all night long ... oooh you're strange ...

It suddenly was a bit strange all right. The young Bogan was staring, Rachalle moved off to talk to someone else, and I was dancing around on my own (I've never had a problem with that). The Bogan pointed at me and started to howl like a wolf, about four times in a row.

He came and tried to dance with me, and then I felt it might be time to go home. I talked with Bonnie for awhile, and the Bogan came over and I said "look, you're just too wasted". He said "don't say that to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee". I said it again.

Then Bonnie said it and he replied sadly "I know. I know I am."

He then started boxing the air around my head. He'd also flicked my glasses at one point and kept saying 'fuck you'. I walked away. 

I got ready to leave. I was tired. It had been a very entertaining evening. Despite the bogan's aggression, I noticed that his eyes were full of puppy like adoration. God. What a pity. He was very good looking, he just needs to work on his entire personality.

I said goodbye to him, and he grabbed me and hugged me like a man drowning. 

"You've got such a good voice," he whispered in my ear, "and .. you're such a fucking prick!"

I continued to hug him and whispered back "thankyou. You're a fucking prick too."

He laughed, delighted, and I got a nice hug from the red t shirt guy and kissed on the lips. Kissed on the lips makes you wonder if the person was attracted to you, or if they just kiss everyone on the lips? I do kiss female friends on the lips though, and not in a saucy way (well, not these days).

The bogan is blocked from view by the man in the black coat

 You know what? I do like a party where something funny happens ... 

  Lord, it's now Tuesday ... might be going to the hot pools tonight with T. Lovely. Time for more coffee now!!

Baby Strange, T Rex:

I see you walking 

I see you talking

With all of my friends 

I'm shadowed under you're like some thunder

I wanna be your friend

I wanna call you

I wanna ball you all night long

In winds of passion my whip is lashing

I wanna get you and then

Oooo you're strange

Don't lame me baby strage

Don't lame me baby

The city's shaking 

I ain't faking baby this is the end

I'm overloaded my head's exploded

I wanna get you and then

Got the blues?

Saturday 16th June 2012
There isn't much I can really say in this exact moment. I feel weird. I know things are getting better. I know I can reach for that thought that comforts, that I can find a frequency that's better for me. It does work. I know it does, but sometimes one simply has to admit that it's okay to have the blues, to feel it.

Had a really good day talking with a friend about EVERYTHING. Sex, love, depression, neurotransmitters, clothes, haircuts. Drank coffee on the deck wrapped in blankies. Ate some food. Drank more coffee. Talked non stop. Drank wine. Very nice.

I am missing sex a LOT right now. I thought I was doing okay, but of course it's not just sex is it? I miss that feeling of just lying there and being held, of laughing when you cross some line together, of pushing someone a little further emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually and having them do the same to you. I am looking forward to being with someone who can accept love, who isn't afraid of it.

I considered going back on internet dating today, but something in  me sinks when I think of it. Pouring over uber masculine snapshots of men who all look like they vote for National and like to do triathlons. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I've just realised I've been mispronouncing triathlons my entire life. I've been saying tri ath a lons.

I feel a bit better just writing this down. I do feel odd about no longer seeing The Sexy Ex, even though I know it's healthy. He's been one of my best friends for six years, and when I was in Korea his love really kept me going. He supported me emotionally through a few other disastrous love affairs, and he has always assured me that no matter what happens we will always have a love that lasts beyond the grave. 

Okay, so I just took a look at the men on the net dating site ... bear with me ... there's a guy with a pirate hat  ... and that might be enough to go back on. For now I'll get ready for Rachalle's birthday soiree!

No More Sex with the Sexy Ex, ADHD Dietry help and Things.

13^th June 2012

Good morning! Looking a bit sleepy on it.

On Sunday morning I was feeling heavy. There’s something wrong with my left shoulder, and I had no desire to do anything useful. I knew I needed to shift my state, so I did this little exercise called ‘clearing off your mental desk’. It was simple:

1)   Take 15 minutes to write down everything that’s in your head right now

2)   Put a tick next to the things you can’t control and a star next to the things you can

3)   Write down the things you can control on another list

What surprised me was that as I wrote down all the crap floating around in my head was this sudden unlocking of my pain and anxiety. I cried and cried, but that was quickly followed by calm. I wrote down that I wanted help, but I didn’t reach out to anyone for help (something I was basically telling a friend off for recently). The kind of help I want is in small things I think; the conversation that helps you see things in a different light, or someone actually doing the dishes after you’ve made them a meal (as it might take me two days to get them done myself).

Whatever the case, after I’d had my wee sobbing session I realised I was okay.

Oh, and tonight I reached down to pick up a pen on the floor and completely fell (along with my chair) and landed heavily on my left side thus increasing pain levels to a 7 out of 10. No, I'm not drunk.

Exhibition Drive, Titirangi. 16 minute walk from my place.

 Completed Time with The Sexy Ex, and that’s okay.

“But,” you ask “he’s your ex … so wasn’t it already complete?”

Well yes and no. If you’re still having hot sex with the ex on a regular basis, it’s not entirely completed is it? No matter what you say, if that person still keeps saying he loves you and comes around to fuck your brains out, it isn’t exactly the kind of Ex most people are referring to. Whatever the case, it has been good, and I don’t regret it at all.

I took ‘complete’ from something Lisa Nichols said on a Youtube clip about relationships. I really liked it. To say that something has been completed rather than broken, that no matter what’s happened it’s been a learning experience (obviously). It’s amazing how very simple things can feel like such revelations. To say our time with someone is complete makes it sound like some kind of assignment or creation that’s finished, but in a way that’s quite satisfying. Dust off the vibrator. Cuddle the cat. Do not use the vibrator whilst cuddling the cat; that would be wrong.

My ADHD UPDATE:

The week is going so fast. I’ve had some excellent conversations with a friend about ADHD and she found a site with dietary information: http://www.livestrong.com/article/292238-foods-for-dopamine-norepinephrine-serotonin/.

Okay, so it stands to reason that if you have ADHD (or any kind of ‘misfiring’ of the neurotransmitters in the brain) then you might want to take a look at what you’re eating.

Foods that help increase the functioning of one’s neurotransmitters (specifically dopamine,  epinephrine and serotonin) might be worth getting into the gullet.

For Serotonin:

Proteins such as cheese, eggs, meat and plant sources like seeds and whole grains.

For Dopamine and Epinephrine:

Dopamine (which is why dope is called dope) is of course linked to pleasure and reward, epinephrine is linked with focus and response to stress.

Evidently it’s the amino acid tyrosine that really gets the old d and e going, and that my dears, is contained in almonds, avocados, beans, pumpkin and mustard seeds.

Hey, you know how Jesus said that if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could move mountains? Well maybe he meant we should eat more mustard seeds and then we’d be able to focus and get some shit done, but someone misquoted him? 

Fark, it’s so, so cold! I went for a walk this morning and took a few photos along the way; so beautiful, the pictures only catch a fraction of the beauty.

There was ice on my windscreen when I got into the car, and I was grateful that I had my gloves on.

Brrr, going out to see an exhibition with Handsome Rob tomorrow, but if that feels too much like hard work we could always go and see a movie.  It’s so cool to have a good platonic male friendship back. It’s been a long time. We used to just get so drunk all the time, now we make decisions to go out and not drink at all. Ahh, maturity, gotta love it.

Keep moving towards what you like, and do what feels good (unless you’re of the Hitler persuasion). Notice what makes you laugh. Do things that promote joy – you need to strengthen those pathways in the brain. It’s not waffle-piffle-fluffel- bummel. It’s science.

Make a list. Here are a few things that give me pleasure at the moment:

1)I love it when I hear people say things like ‘advocado’ instead of ‘avocado’.

2) I LOVE the advertisements on BFM. They even had one that made fun of people who say they LOVE the advertisements on BFM (student radio in Auckland, NZ). Right now they have one for some music festival in Australia, and the sting you have to listen out for to win prizes is ‘wankermaloo!’ in a horrible Aussie twang. It never fails to make me laugh in the car on the way to wherever it is that I’m going.

3) Online Scrabble. I am a new player but I am already intimidating those marginally less capable than I. People who speak English as a second language usually.

4) Nature. Yes, I’m a goddamn hippy really. I love the trees, the birds, the dark brown worms, the mist on the water.

5) Food. Fuck me duck me, I do think the Ritalin has increased my pleasure in the consuming of food. I don’t mean I need to eat a lot, but when I do, I feel like I almost want to rub it all over my face (but I don’t).

6) Outings: I’m goin’ out to exhibitions, birthdays, galleries, gigs … and for some reason these things keep being within ability to do on very little money. Okay, it helps when friends are kind and buy you a drink or a coffee.

7) Making food for others. Okay, I like food when I’m on my own, but I also really enjoy making simple but yummy things for a beloved guest. Hey, I can’t believe it, but I did see something on Jamie Oliver’s show (when visiting mum) that I liked. Sweet roasted peppers (from the jar) stuffed with a cheese that melts, then fried in olive oil. OOOHHHHH yeahhhh.

8) Telepathy: Okay, this does work best with the cat. Look into her eyes and say ‘I love you’ and then notice she starts to purr almost immediately.

9) Talking to Angels or Whatever: I talk out loud, in the car, (turn down the radio for a few minutes) as if to a good friend. Then I wait and see if any good ideas come up. They always do.

10) My hypnotherapy CD’s: I swear this stuff gets better every time I listen. No, I’m not wanking to it all the time, I usually have it on as I fall asleep and it gives me an enormous sense of well being.

That sucky towel! That's been around for way too long. I think it's older than me.

What’s the point? Well, maybe there isn’t one. How freeing! Isn't that permission to create, invent, relax and love? Yes. It is.