26th October 2011
Romance no longer in my Pants, but Tane Mahuta in my heart.
On day 13 of forgiveness I saw grace enter. That was Friday. That was the night I wore the black lace and David said he felt like he was falling into me. It feels like a long time ago.
I wrote in my diary:
“ Meeting someone wonderful brings up all the possibilities for pleasure and fear, and in forgiveness I release attachment. I am released from demanding pleasure or cowering from my invented fears ... we choose to love or not love all the time. I choose to trust and love.”
Now it’s Wednesday and I’m ready for day 14 of forgiveness.
It’s myself I need to forgive. It’s so tempting to think of how I could have re-done things. To say ‘I shouldn’t have slept with him so fast’, or ‘I knew I shouldn’t have stayed and met his mother on Monday” or “Why on Earth did I spend three nights in a row with him if we’re ‘just dating’?”.
I can't turn this into a caricature because I really thought we had something pretty amazing going on.
After another fantastic weekend of laughing, eating, making love, being silly, being serious, and listening to music, he said was off out to meet this other girl off the internet dating site. God. Why tell me?
I spent the day feeling awful, imagining them having a six hour first date the way we did ... and as they're getting to know each other he’ll do funny walks in the supermarket and sing Chris Knox ‘and I would cry for you, maybe even die for yoouuuuu’ with her while they're drinking coffee in bed. He’ll pretend he can’t take his hand off her arse, that it’s somehow glued there. He’ll look deep into her eyes, share his fears and thoughts, and laugh at all her jokes. He's pretty amazing really. Maybe he's just pretty amazing with a lot of women.
I wrote a lot about this, but for the sake of my own dignity I think it's better to say a little less than I originally wanted to.
It was a pretty intense and fast moving affair. Felt like two months condensed into two weeks. Although I started to feel like I could fall in love with him, at least he was honest about not being ready. Tactless, but honest.
Andrew came over last night and we went to Yoga together, then had dinner in Titirangi. It was lovely. He offered to 'comfort' me, which of course was done with the trademark flash of lust and love in his eyes. I declined, but the comfort he gave me with his friendship, the assurance of love that has lasted beyond a conventional romance was greatly appreciated.
I feel like I have Tane Mahuta growing inside my soul. Yesterday I was a kitten tied in a sack, but this morning strength was running through me. Tane Mahuta, the giant Kauri, has taken up residence in my spirit.
I fell asleep after 2am, I could feel this endlessly peaceful presence with me and knew I was ok. You can't make someone care for you. That's not loving. You also can't pretend to be cool with things that hurt, that's not self-care.
When I woke up I did my salute to the sun twice. I did Pranayama breathing. I ate fruit toast. I dressed well, I put on my lipstick. I checked myself out. I fucking rock!
Unfold
I grieved for what I thought was unfolding
My heart stuck to the
bottom of his boot
The sky is turning me on
the pillow is an angel
my friends shelter me
I regret nothing
After 2am Something greater than I unfurled
my sea-heart swaying
It’s delicious I’m afloat on all this
Love And I didn’t find it out
there
Always It was
Here
here
here.
And that’s the lesson learned once more. No love is ever wasted or lost. I have a fondness for heights and for depths; I dove fast and hard. I met a beautiful man and truly enjoyed what I’ve learned from being with him. God, he was interesting, intelligent, funny and sexy.
I hope he figures out what he wants. Start with what you don’t want, that’s always been mum’s advice!
I keep imagining a man stumbling through a cave full of golden nuggets. He puts his hands on the gold as he makes his way through the cave. He looks up, he looks down, he looks back, but he never stops to look carefully at what he’s actually touching. He gets through the whole cave without ever seeing the gold. But he’ll keep searching.
Wish him luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment