Day 7 of forgiveness, and other bits!
October 13th 2011
Today I’ve decided to open two books randomly and look for something illuminating from the page I fall on.
The first is from ‘Between Extremes’ by Brian Keenan and John McCarthy. I picked this up for $2 from the New Lynn Salvation Army along with a few other gems. It’s the story of a friendship ‘born from adversity’ due to the fact that they were locked in a Lebanese dungeon for four years, and how they sustained themselves with dreams of walking in the Andes and the ‘wastes of Patagonia’. This book documents the fulfilment of those dreams.
First, I must share this passage as it really did it for me:
“Nearing the start of our Chilean journey, we fly along a narrow coastal strip of dull brown earth. A road, glistening and wandering like a filament of treacle, spins along near the sea, the few vehicles on it like beetles scuttling for safety.”
The bit I kept re-reading was ‘a filament of treacle’. Holy shit, that sounds amazing. Never mind the fact that he survived four years in a Lebanese dungeon, anyone who writes ‘filament of treacle’ is a genius. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I kept repeating it to myself like a mantra.
Ok, so here goes the random bit:
“The spine of my copy of Isla Negra was broken and its pages creased and covered in cryptic notes and heavily penned lines to mark significant stanzas. The author had also made this night journey to Santiago. Wearily I ran a crooked line under these words from his poem ‘Night Train’ and felt the flush of kinship:
Exhausted, I slept like wood,
and when I woke
I felt the agony of the rain.
Something was separating me from my blood.
What would separate you from your blood? Death or vengeance? Curdling with pain? You can imagine the blood somehow coming apart inside the body, like oil rising on water, forcing its way out. It’s probably about family and history.
Ok, random selection two is from Shakti Gawain’s ‘Living in the Light’. I read this when I was 22 and am now dipping back through it at leisure, appreciating everything I thought I understood in my early 20’s.
Oh, interesting.
Sustaining Passion in Relationships
A deadness occurs in relationships when people are no longer willing to tell each other how they really feel. When people first fall in love they’re more willing to do this because they’re still getting to know each other and dependency has not yet set in. As soon as it does, though, people often stop sharing their true feelings out of fear of loss.
This is a topic that’s come up many times with friends. I’ve never had a relationship go beyond five years, so passion has always been sustainable (even when other aspects might be limping along).
I suppose people get irritated with each other and choose to focus on trivial things too much instead of looking at what intoxicated them when they first met.
I’m glad to have had some really graceful exits in regards to the two men I’ve cared for deeply in recent years. Wishing each other well, knowing that it’s just not compatible but that so much has been learnt.
I could be holding a grudge, imagine I wasted time or energy, but I know that’s not the case. I believe no love is ever wasted.
I’ve been thinking about rules around relationships and the way men and women behave with each other at the moment. I get confused about it. Are we playing out old roles that made sense when we were cave dwellers? What about stuff like guys reading ‘The Game’?
As Gawain says (pg 128)
“If we’re either buying into external rules or rebelling against them, our natural energy gets ignored. To get in touch with that takes letting go of all previous ideas; it means changing everything you’ve been doing. To have ecstasy, we have to risk trusting ourselves, learn to put away external rules, and then discover our internal rhythm.”
Can I trust myself? I’d like to think so. I want that freedom .
My freedom. What is that? I usually imagine myself running across a big paddock with my arms in the air, wearing a dress from the 1930’s.
I like to think its freedom from any story that casts me as the victim or the bully. Being here in a body, I’m prone to projecting fears and doubts before me like a dark torch.
The step that's helped me the most is remembering I do have the ability to pick up another source of light, that it's up to me to keep training myself to use it and focus on what's wanted.
When you connect on a level beyond the body, then the body will be tuned in, not something to make into an enemy. Making wiser choices will flow. Clear the mind, follow the gut. Does that make any sense?
The rain is gurgling in the pipes in the ceiling here at work, and my cardigan is grey which matches the sodden day. The wee play I saw with David last night was quite good. ‘A boy and his bicycle’, by Joseph Harper. It was pretty raw, but there were moments that really made us laugh.
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