March 25th 2012
Left: wow, took this last week, a praying mantis shedding it's skin. Gorgeous!
Well I'm enjoying The Boxcar Rattle; they're getting a bit of air play on BFM. Love it. Lots of energyyyy.
Today I was looking back at my old diaries. I was thinking about my old (now ex) friend 'Rose'. Her birthday is coming up, and it will be the first time in 18 years that I haven't gone all out looking for beautiful things for her. We have a lot of history together. I don't exactly miss her; she had a habit of not being entirely present for me when the going got rough. So what do you do when a friendship is 'completed', especially a long one?
RECOGNISING A NARCISSIST ...
I recently found a great article on the Oprah site by Martha Beck. It talked about recognising a narcissist personality and that it's rare this kind of person will see reason if you step outside the assigned 'role'. It's hard to imagine that someone quiet and shy could be the one doing the manipulating. Looking at one excerpt from a 1997 diary I am amazed that I allowed myself to be treated the way I was. I was recovering from my fractured pelvis and displaced left hip, and still on crutches. I was really fragile physically and emotionally:
10th February 1997 (names changed)
Rose and I were really honest with each other about a week ago. She mainly needed to tell me I had hurt her feelings when I had snapped at her sometimes, and she was feeling resentful.
One night when I stayed over at her place I was meant to sleep in with her, but Barry, her boyfriend, had come over, so I got left in the lounge with nothing. I slept on the floor. If it wasn't for Logan's friend Peter, I wouldn't even have had a blanket.
I thought the whole thing was a mistake, but it turns out she knew she'd done it and didn't know what to do, so took the coward's way and went to sleep. Really, I think I am still angry about that, but I let her off lightly to start with as I knew she was drunk etc.
Now that I know she purposely left me out there, I feel like I can't trust her. I would NEVER do that to her.
I'd forgotten about this until I re-read that diary thismorning. In fact, there are a lot of things like this that happened throughout our friendship that I continually forgave or over looked because I really loved her. Sadly, it's obvious that her habit of being resentful did keep popping up over the years, and my habit of being her Echo and doing whatever I could to save the friendship persisted. After awhile you realise you can't do it anymore. Martha Beck writes about it beautifully:
Martha Beck article from Oprah site:
Imagine what this friend's response would be if you stopped playing your part or stepped into hers. Would she be shocked or angry? Would she ice you, scold you, drop off your social calendar? If so, I'm afraid that particular connection isn't exactly a friendship. Rigid roles enforced by social pressure add up to something else—something I call a naiad dyad. Naiads are mythological nymphs who ruled the rivers and springs of ancient Greece. One of these watery demigoddesses had a famously handsome son named Narcissus, who attracted many admirers, none more admiring than himself. He fell so madly in love with his own reflection that he did nothing but stare at it. Narcissus's friends found this daunting—all, that is, except for another nymph named Echo, whose curse (naiads were highly curse-prone) was that she couldn't voice her own thoughts, only repeat words spoken by others.
In their twisted way, Narcissus and Echo were ideal companions. Both were obsessed with the same person (him), and both expressed the same thoughts, ideas, and opinions (his). I'm sure the next-door satyrs thought their relationship was perfect. Not so much. In one version of the story, Narcissus, unable to work out the logistics of being in love with himself, plunged a dagger into his heart and was transformed into a flower. Echo, devastated, wandered off to haunt canyons and glens, repeating random sentiments shouted by strangers.
I have to say, I really did teach Rose that it was okay to be manipulative in our friendship as I let her get away with it for so long. I tried to be honest all the time, and of course I also have my faults, but I guess the difference is that I do know my faults and I'll admit to them readily.
Take a look at your friendships. Do you have to 'tip toe' around that person in case the love or friendship will be withdrawn from you? The same goes for romantic relationships; if you have to work that hard to keep someone's favour, it might not be worth being 'in favour'. I used to think it was always up to me to work, work, work at loving and rescuing people. Of course our child hood patterns set us up for this, but we are no longer children. It's time to grow up. You can walk away now. You don't have to stay and put up with quiet manipulations or passive agressive behaviour. That sounds simple but may require help. That's the journey we undertake.
Rose had her own issues; food addiction and unresolved grief. People with addiction issues sometimes appear to stagnate at the age they started to deal with life through the addictive behaviour. Her actual intelligence might be at a reasonable level, but emotional intelligence may suffer due to denial. The denial carries over into other areas of life. That's why programmes like AA or Overeaters Anonymous are so important; it shifts a person out of denial and then they can get a handle on the feelings and fears they swallowed. I still hope Rose gets help and is able to look after herself properly as a result.
So let's take a look at how a real friend treats you. She or he allows for your humanity. She won't let resentments build up until you're being made to sleep on the floor with broken bones.
She or he will trust the kindness and love you've shown rather than focusing on the one mistake you make. There's a big difference between making an honest mistake and someone deliberately hurting you. Rose had a history of finding ways to deliberately withdraw her love or to hurt me, yet I continually saw her as sweet and beloved. I was her Echo. I kept choosing to believe she hadn't meant to be unkind. Big mistake. It's like a man who keeps a woman on a tight leash, a man who tells a woman she's a goddess one day and a slut the next; it's a power play and it's not cool.
As you grow in authentic power, you will find these kind of manipulators and bullies dropping out of your life. It's good to take responsibility for your own mistakes; I know I have to sometimes hold my tongue; mum tells me I can be really scathing. Ha, Andrew likes it when I'm scathing, he thinks it's funny. He says I need to be 'less tolerant' and I think that might be working for me in some strange way.
Having said that, I think what he really means is that I shouldn't take shit, and so my friend, neither should you. Be honest, take responsibility for your own issues whatever they may be, but to keep letting someone be unkind or resentful towards you for not behaving exactly as they want ... that's a whole lot of hard work you don't need.
As far as letting go is concerned, it's easier when you start noticing how difficult it is for the Narcissist friend to be there for you when the going gets rough. A Narcissist is there for herself or himself and even if they make the right noises "oh you poor thing" they won't front up with the goods when you really need them, in fact, they may attack you or abandon you. What are 'the goods'?
The goods; what is the delivery?
No Goods:
When I went through my terrible depression last year (a few months worth) I reached out to Rose and asked if I could stay with her one night as I was so low. I basically begged. She said no. She said her flat was "busy till next year". Oh. So she couldn't have me over for one single night for a period of nearly three months?
I was surprised, but not entirely. You reach a point where you realise the Narcissist friend's lack of support should be accepted without complaint or question (or she'll leave you). As it turns out, tolerating this kind of 'fair weather friend' behaviour just reinforces it ... it's like being friends with a massive toddler.
The Delivery:
I then rang my dear friend Lisa. She invited me to stay as soon as possible for an entire weekend. She held me when I cried. She had my favourite wine waiting in the fridge and had gone and bought beef for a roast meal. I was treated like the most beloved sister. The spare bed was made up with lovely fresh sheets. She sat and listened when I poured out my heart and assured me I would get through it.
If you are on the shit end of the stick, then you are bound to have had a few (or more) of these kind of experiences. For some reason, your loyalty and love stops you from calling the person out. You make up excuses for them. You know they wouldn't mean to be unkind or thoughtless. Well wake up sunshine, cos I've been there too many times, and I'm over it. I hope you're getting to that point too, if you've been the Echo in a friendship for too long.
Take courage. You won't miss them as much as you think. Other kinder people will enter your life, and you'll notice that you don't have to 'be careful' all the time of what you say or do in case it's being stored away and stewed over. I will never again be friends with someone who deliberately hurts me.
So happy birthday Rose. I hope you get everything you ever dreamed of and all that you deserve.
;)
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