And so 2011 draws to a close ...

So, December 15th and today's music choice is a fine memory of a song by Mercury Rev. I feel simultaneously raised up and melancholy when I hear it, and it reminds me of going to see them live and knowing that I was put under some kind of spell. Willingly spellbound.

I feel like I've got all this peace that I didn't have two months ago. I've worked for it mind you. I tackled my fear head on and have let pain rush through me like a massive wave. It's incredible that I forgot what it was like to be depressed, that it was this far off story for me until this last couple of months. I now realise why I've been so obsessed with focusing on 'good things', why I'm careful of what I watch or listen to ... I'm just a little too sensitive and can't seem to filter things as well as many people do.

I've started on my book (the lost book!) again, I'm getting stronger physically and mentally, and I know I never run from the truth (or a lie should it confront me).

Dec 16th

Today was the graduation for my learners out at the factory in Takanini. A couple of them got up and spoke spontaneously, saying how much they all learned, how they could see a big difference in confidence and communication. I got a bit teary. I hope I get to go back next year and do more literacy coaching, it was really rewarding in the way I have always dreamed of in terms of job satisfaction. I've had so many shit or low paying jobs in the past, so this has been a massive breakthrough for me.

I wonder what will happen next? This year has been so fucking intense. Came back from Korea, had nowhere to live ... relied on the kindness of friends to crash (a big thanks to Andrew, Tam, Claire, Donna, Suzanne, and of course Nanna, who died in April).

I do think Nanna has got in on the act lately in terms of spiritual assistance! Mum asked her to tell God to help me, which I think is really cute (and I think even God might listen to my Nanna, she was one strict school teacher of a woman).

In addition to Nanna dying was the realisation that Andrew and I weren't cut out for a long term relationship (something we'd be realising off and on for six years). I got back into Internet Dating with puppy like enthusiasm, leaping in as if it were a swimming pool. It was a little more like a West Coast beach, or a storm draining leading into the sea.

You'll recall some of my crazier dates (I think the Englishman and The Wanker have to rate as the top two) and of course my disapointments! You might be relieved for me that I am no longer in love with Simon, though I could give him a new nick name as he texts me every Friday with hope in his pants and distinct lack of charm. Good chemistry with awful men never ceases to amaze me. He could now be called Mr Friday, he's getting that reliable. Haven't taken the bait, but then I've only gone without sex for one week now, so it's all good. Andrew is in France with his family and I hope he's enjoying it immensely.I seriously want some cool French Catholic iconography! Bring the Jesus, invite the Mary, I love that stuff. Wasn't allowed it when I was a Christian girlie half a life time ago.

So I've moved across the world, started my life over again, did the CELTA course while staying with Nanna, re-started a relationship, ended that relationship, Nanna died, went on a million dates, thought I'd met someone special and had them do a pooh on me (not literally, I'm not that kinky darlings), and through it all was the enduring love of friends!

So here's to the enduring love of friends as we contemplate the year that's been.

Jesus
yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bullshit
I shall fear no wankers or dickheads!

Let love in.

xxx