Wednesday August
21st 2012
Walking
on Sunday I passed a couple with their incredibly adorable little boy. The
beautiful, plump blonde mother was holding his hand as he did his best to walk
along the track, his face arrested in smiles as I approached. I continued to
beam as I walked, then realised I was crying. I clicked. That ‘ordinary’ life
might not happen for me.
I
have done so well with the lack of ordinary, I have juggled it and worn it to
the best of my ability, but I have harboured hope that perhaps a ‘boring and domestic’
life might eventually be mine. Boring and domestic with the right person would
sometimes be magical!
I would meet a kind, sexy, funny man with good
taste in music and we’d travel a bit, then maybe have a baby. I haven’t really
had a master plan to be honest. Just getting through life and being creative
and positive seemed to be the best way. Maybe that’s not what most people do?
Those
with ‘ordinary’ lives are sure to have their own longings and fears, and many
might be ‘stuck’ with a partner they don’t love or like. Many pretty looking pictures
shatter over night due to addictions, affairs, unmanaged depression and
unspoken needs.
Speaking
of which, let us update on my ex lovers. I’ve waited awhile to do this as I
wasn’t sure how much to include. Now that I shall be winding up this blog, I
think ‘fuck it’ and will include a little more than I should.
The Sexy
(Young) Ex:
I
would have been far happier for him if he didn’t keep trying to bed me even
after he’d moved in with his nice little girlfriend. Who moves in with someone
after two months? It’s silly. I asked what was so great about her and he said
he could completely control her. Oh. Well. That’s fucking creepy.
This
is one I think best left alone now. And no - it’s highly unlikely either of
them read this (reading isn’t one of his strong points). If they did, he’d lie
to her, his eyes wide, and she’ll believe him. So that’s fine.
Wylie Coyote
This
guy is an asshole. Don’t ever let me go there again. (Goddamn but the sex was
good!)
The Rooster
After
my last blog entry, I got an amazing apology letter from The Rooster. I assumed
it was because he saw what I wrote. I thanked him for the apology and was
impressed with it. Moved, I felt quite emotionally confused by a lot of what
was said. It seemed he really regretted how he’d treated me.
Could
it be that his reunion with German Mother was about as short lived as I
imagined it would be?
I
responded, thanking him for the apology. The following day he sent another
email which showed he had NOW read the blog and was ‘hurt’ that I might think
he had purposely tried to hurt me.
Well
come on. When someone dangles you off their ego for four months (I made it so
EASY for him to get me back!) and then ‘chooses’ someone else, what am I
supposed to think?
Anyway.
It was still another good email, and yes, his attempt to rekindle the relationship
with GM died within four weeks. Threw me aside for that! I bet they both rushed
into each other’s arms with the vision of who they used to be four or five
years ago, high on the fantasy they created about each other during the
absence. BIG come down.
German Mother
and the Ms Elegance connection (freaky shit!)
A
few weeks ago I was giving my new flatmate, Ms Elegance, a summary of what had
happened with The Rooster. When German Mother’s name came up, Ms Elegance said
“Not xxxxx?” (her surname). I checked off a
few identifying factors, including a physical ailment of German Mother’s.
Ms
Elegance nodded.
“Oh
my god, she’s not a friend of yours is she?”
“No,”
said Ms Elegance slowly, “she’s the ex wife of the man I was engaged to marry.
But he died before we got married.”(This engagement was about 10 years ago).
There
are other interesting things that came from that conversation that I shall not
go into, but were little details that helped me understand why The Rooster was
so easily led. I thought this was quite an incredible coincidence ... that it was somehow showing me that there are so many things at play I am not aware of.
GM’s
already got someone else, and I’d bet she had him waiting in the wings while
she went for one last round with Rooster. The new guy has a very common name
and I can’t help but wonder if she’s ended up with one of my ‘ex Steve’s’. That
would be funny, especially if it were the Steve with a Russian connection!
For
some reason, the synchronicity has comforted me. I even emailed Rooster to let
him know about it, and I’ve waited awhile to blog about it as I still have to be careful regarding the privacy
of innocents. I’m not staying GM is a bad person at all. I’m sure she seems as
lovely as I’ve been told. What I find strange is what seems to be a lack of
transparency. Did she hold silence at times when she should have spoken her
truth during her relationship with Rooster? Did she try and find that he couldn't hear? She knew that he still cared about me, but while I was off meditating she
snapped her fingers and he jumped. A cock snapping to attention.
Tis
all for the best I’m sure! It’s been so hard to believe that, yet believe it I
must. Only yesterday I cried again for I missed Rooster’s company so much. Then
I had to remind myself of what I thought I missed. What I loved when I was with
him was how much I could trust him. I thought this was my best friend and my
lover. So yes, I am still grieving. I see things I wish I could share with him,
but I want to share them with the man I met, not the man who coldly chose someone
else.
If
I was ‘betrayed’ then in what ways am I betraying myself already, that I am
attracting such energy? This is the helpful tool I can take from this
situation. Rooster can consider why on earth he felt the need to sabotage a
perfectly beautiful relationship.
I
will never forget standing there in my cotton halter neck dress, almost feeling
like I was slightly outside of my body, keeping myself calm and waiting for him
to walk up to me and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” It never happened, and there’s
no wondering why or wishing it could have been different. It is what it is.
Over
the next few months I shall be winding up this blog. Perhaps I’ll start
another. Perhaps not. Love Cxxx
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