Friday
21st June 2013
On
Wednesday night, or early morning, I woke up suddenly and briefly from a short
dream.
It
was day time, and I was in the modest home of a stranger. I was standing in a
very short ‘hallway’ of sorts, and the white door into the next room was ajar.
I peered around the edge of the door, and there was a man standing on a chair
and placing a noose around his neck. I couldn’t see him clearly and I didn’t
move closer, but he was white and possibly middle aged. He looked around,
suddenly very still and smiling awkwardly.
“What
are you doing?” I said in a schoolteacher tone. We didn’t know each other and
yet there was absolutely nothing strange about this.
“Oh,
oh,” he said, and pulled the noose back up over his head, smiling and shaking
his head slightly from side to side.
“No, it’s not what it looks like, I’d never do
that.” He kept smiling and I smiled too. I said something like “well you better
not be” and stood looking at him for a moment. And that was it.
I woke up feeling agitated. My thread-through
silver earrings itched. I pulled them out so fast and hard that one of them
landed somewhere near my bed on the ground. I wondered if it meant anything and
immediately fell back to sleep.
The
following morning, a Thursday in New Zealand, I went to the dairy to get eggs
and milk. I stopped and looked at the front page of the paper and shivered all
over. A burglar in Hamilton had broken
into someone’s home and ‘bumped into’ the body of a man who had hung himself.
The burglar was so traumatized that he rung the police himself. I told the lady
in the dairy but she looked at me with an artificial smile that barely
concealed her boredom.
Later
in my car, driving and talking out loud to my ‘higher power’, I asked about
suicide. Many belief systems that originate in organised religion warn against
suicide - one idea being that you will only have to deal with all that
suffering again in the next life. A reply to this question came quite quickly
as a stream of consciousness, perhaps simply the result of some of my own
experiences and beliefs thus far. Last night before I went to sleep I tried to
write it down. The writing itself wasn’t mind blowing, but I liked the message.
This isn’t all of what came to me, but perhaps this portion will be useful to
someone:
We don’t want
people to suffer. If belief systems prevent people from committing suicide,
then that’s good, but we are bigger than belief.
Beliefs shift
and change.
Humanity
shifts and changes beliefs, and therefore realities and ‘non realities’,
possibilities, other realms …
Some beliefs
are useful for preventing unnecessary levels of suffering … but as things
evolve you find belief itself somewhat irrelevant. The pure presence of ‘I’
that is in All far exceeds anything you can perceive.
I am named,
but nameless.
I take form,
but am formless.
To feel and
know ‘me’ is to awaken. There is less need for belief - there is instead
knowing.
Pure knowing
and
this means
that what worked in one moment
may not be
right in the next
Remember
Shifting, moving, flowing
Nothing is
static
Nothing is
solid …
Creativity
flows freely
You are
Productive
And enlivened
You are in
tune
And beyond the structures
Of belief
Structures of
belief are useful
For a time …
And
so that was the gist of it. I was comforted by these thoughts. I liked that
phrase - ‘bigger than belief’. I also
played around with the idea of something also being ‘beyond belief’.
It
has now been a month and two days since I got back from Vipassana meditation in
Kaukapakapa, Auckland. A month ago today, The Rooster let me know, via a phone
call, that he was choosing to be with someone else. This would normally have
shattered me for at least six months. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to having
someone be unfaithful to me, yet ‘technically speaking’, that wasn’t the case. I
had to keep sitting with what ‘really is’ instead of making up all sorts of
shit in my mind. So I thought we were getting back together? Boo hoo, life goes
on.
For
some reason yesterday, an image of him with his menopausal missus flashed into
my mind. I saw her in a long leather coat and ‘shiny, shiny, shiny boots of
leather …’, standing straight while he shivered naked at her feet, his tiny
little plait scraped back behind his balding head. He’s crouching and foetal at
her feet, peering up her coat, his eyes shiny and hungry for something he hopes
to find.
I
felt happy. I realised that they probably make a lovely couple, very well
suited. The thought of them together brings no envy, but instead, gratitude.
Someone said to me “it must feel bad to come in second” and I laughed my arse
off.
“Oh
I didn’t come in second. I won.”
Perhaps
I’ll even be friends with him one day. I doubt it, but hey, stranger things
happen. Like a burglar bumping into a lonely corpse in the night.
May
you ‘win’ that which brings peace. May your day be filled with moments that are
genuine and connected. May your beliefs be useful and up-lifting. May humour
brighten the darkness.
Love
Cxxx
