Something I think everyone struggles with now and then is how to communicate with one's mother. It doesn't seem to matter how well you get on with her, there will be moments when it just isn't going as peachily as you'd wish.
My mum is lovely, but boy, when we misunderstand each other it's not a pretty sight. I've been practicing my practical spiritual applications to the situation for years now, but feel like I'm only just getting there. It's been slow going, but yep, I'm getting there.
Today's E Hick's inspirational card says:
"There is nothing for me to guard against.You exist in a place of absolute well-being; tell yourself that again and again. Know it. Be the evidence of it to give others reason to believe that all can be well."
Mum and I argued last night. Well, I think it was an argument anyway. I didn't feel angry, but at the same time, I decided to just call things exactly as I saw them, refusing to take on the roles normally assigned to me. For example, in a disagreement you might always be cast as the bully, or maybe the victim. I have mainly chosen the victim role in my life in the past, but with mum, funnily enough, I end up being the 'bully'. I just couldn't do it last night. I told her what I was thinking, but of course she just cried. I wasn't really upset by her tears either. I've seen too many of them.
I wasn't sure if the way I felt and dealt with this was cruel. I normally end up saying sorry, even when I've done nothing wrong. I didn't do that. I tried to explain where I was coming from, that I don't want to play out these roles anymore, that I love her, but if she accuses me of things I'm not even doing, then I will stand up for myself. She said I was putting on a 'voice'. God, maybe I was.
I sometimes find that a voice stronger and calmer than my everyday voice will come out of me when I need it to ... and I think it really irritates mum because it might seem fake to her. For me it's been a life saver. It's the voice of reason that lurks beneath all my fears and anger. If I sound like a wanker, ah well, at least I'm a wanker that isn't shouting or abusing anyone.
Despite this weird 'argument' about nothing, we've had a really nice time together since mum came over to visit on Friday night. We went to 'Calendar Girls' which I reviewed, it was pretty mediocre, but something fun to do. Yesterday we caught up with The Sexy Ex and assisted him in buying NEW CLOTHES! Yes, it's the first time in five whole years that TSE has bought new clothes without his mother somehow being involved. You can imagine my excitement. The control. The bossiness. The Voice that came from me. I marched into the shopping complex like a fucking drill sergeant and proceeded to look for sales.
Mum and TSE trailed after me like dazed kittens, and in Just Jeans I allowed TSE to listen to a pretty shop girl for far too long before calling out
"You may as well look at the jeans that are on special first"
Made him try on the really skinny jeans first, but they were too high waisted and grabbed his cock and balls in a denim vice. Not a good look. He ended up going for the slightly wider leg and getting a really good deal thanks to my razor sharp specials-hunting mind. If he'd gone in alone he would have been sold one pair of over-priced jeans by one of the wee girls in the shop. He looked absolutely gorgeous, and then we all went to Arthur's, a turkish cafe/restaurant in Kingsland. I had Affogatto (which I believe I'm spelling wrong) which mum shared, and TSE had a lemon lime and bitters.
Got home and Tenika the sweet flatmate was getting ready to go out. She looked stunning in a one shouldered, 70's inspired dress.
Drank some bubbly she offered and got a bit drunk really quickly. Fight with mum ensued. Don't really know what it was about. I wasn't really fighting from my end, but it really was one of those situations where you couldn't do anything ... you just had to hold your own peace, exist in a place of well being, don't let guilt eat into your heart like a sneaky cancer. I hugged mum for a long time. She's still grieving for Nanna, and she's been doing so well. Not sure how else I could have been last night, nothing I said helped, it was like the script was already running in her mind and she couldn't really hear me.
I kept saying "the thing is, when we don't agree or misunderstand each other, I know it's only on the surface ... that the love we have is the only real thing anyway"
but she kept on crying.
And that's ok. If you have to cry, then cry. Just don't say it's my fault. ;)
You are in a place of absolute well-being ... know it ... be the evidence of it.
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