Well well my pretty ponies, I'm almost done with a recent foray into the depressive realms! The proverbial light appears (in my proverbial tunnel? Now that just sounds rude.)
I'm really enjoying reading 'Magical Thinking' by Augusten Burroughs. He wrote (and it was subsequently turned into a movie) 'Running with Scissors'. I haven't read that or seen the movie. Yet. I guess he has a similar style to my beloved David Sedaris, and they have a few things in common; gay, alcoholic, overly analytical, anxious, depressed, superior, inferior and incredibly funny. Really puts me in a good mood. Seriously. Perhaps it's the reading equivalent of listening to The Smiths.
I was going to go for a swim before working this afternoon, but the temptation to sit in bed reading and writing was too compelling. Getting through a rough patch really feels fucking brilliant. I'm almost high off feeling an absence of pain. I think that's why I enjoy reading Burroughs and Sedaris; their vulnerability and ways of trying to deal with an excess of feeling and fear touches me and helps me to laugh at myself.
Tell you what else helps ... is dancing. Went to The Checks on Saturday night with Bob and really enjoyed it. The audience were adorably young and wearing things my more stylish friends might have sported in 1988. Sort of
made me feel maternal towards my past self.
I drank little and danced lots. My legs are still aching actually. Bob was great company, and we talked about when my cousin Claire comes back from Vietnam and we'll be able to catch up with her. Not too far off!
Was also cheered by the presence of Mother duck and the ducklings at our back steps. Loooooook at theeeeemmmmmm. Caught up with my ma yesterday and had pizza on the beach. Everything looked so good, so clean, so clear. Mum is still struggling with her grief over Nanna, it's only been six months so that's understandable.
We talked about how depression could be like a big shit that just needs to pass through. I guess it sometimes feels like you are made entirely of shit, forgetting how to let it simply work it's way out, to give yourself whatever you need to assist that process. Oh, and here's a tip: if you have a friend who is depressed, don't tell them to snap out of it, get on with it, get over it or to harden up. That's really depressing. It's like telling someone who hasn't had a shit for a week to eat a brick. Fortunately for me, I've only had one person offer the 'just get on with it' advice, but that's because she was also struggling with her own anxiety. Sometimes just saying 'the fear is passing through me' over and over again, is enough to help shift your state. It's temporary. It always is.
And so another week begins. The new moon grants you another start, new beginnings.
I am getting excited about my upcoming 'unemployment' period .... modest living for two months, but time to do all those things I say I'm going to do. Like trying to learn the guitar (been saying that for half my life), or writing a book, or getting fitter. It makes it sound like I might even be in charge of my life.
I might turn into someone really efficient, clean the mould off my bedroom ceiling (I know it should bother me), keep surfaces clear of clutter, with hold information from strangers, hang clothes up instead of throwing them on the floor, walk briskly through forests instead of staring at a bird for ten minutes, that sort of thing.
Time to open my window and get ready for work. God I sound efficient. Watch out world, I might even clean the mould off my ceiling.
T
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