Integrating Male Energy

Tuesday 8^th May

                           Coffee, Healing, What's this Feeling?

Surely what I’m feeling can’t just be caffeine withdrawal? Aside from a headache, my actual face hurts. I’m supposed to have ceased coffee intake for five days prior to my ADD assessment on Thursday. Suddenly it’s two days to go and I haven’t managed to have a caffeine free day yet.

I’d cunningly mixed decaf in with my real coffee, but today I just had decaf and I feel depressed. Yes folks. Weepy. It might also be that I had a TV marathon last night, finally watching Breaking Bad, the first season. I had to make myself stop after four episodes, and I dreamt of blood and guns in the night. A TV hangover is what I’ve got, coupled with the coffee withdrawal.

Just threw two nurofen down my gullet and drank lots of water, it seemed to shift a bit of pain out from under my eyes (that area where people get sinus infections). I’ve finished Russel Brand’s Booky Wook and am looking forward Booky Wook 2 which Griz is going to lend me. I was amused to see that the orgy he attended was bleak and not at all erotic as I’d only just pondered such things in my last entry.

It makes me think of that guy The Wanker (the best worst internet date I had) who told me about going to a sex club. He said he was receiving fellatio from a woman, and this  man came up to him and was having a nice little chat; oh how are you, what do you do etc, then said “oh, yes, and that’s my wife”. 

I then imagined that they went on to have a very mundane conversation, one in which the Wanker revealed his job as the manager of a cheese factory. A cheese factory!

Right, the nurofen has kicked in a little bit, I have the strength to get out into the day. I’m off for a healing with Tracey at Beyond The Veil in Ellerslie and even though I’ve been there before I’ve completely forgotten how to get there.

I shall tell you all about it soon.

Evening time, still Tuesday.

I felt like I was moving through glue today, exhausted and slow witted, knocking things off ledges, spilling tea, dropping jam gobs on the floor. I went to see Tracey at Beyond The Veil  for a healing, and getting there felt like this huge mission. I was almost crying as I drove there because I was running late (as I do for most things). I have to trick myself if I want to be on time for things, but then I know I’ve tricked myself so I think I’ve got plenty of time. Alas, I then do not have plenty of time. I double cross myself. I have to somehow double-double cross myself.

The healing was subtle but effective. She is helping to balance me up as I lack masculine energy. Ironically, if you lack masculine energy you might then bring it up in ways that aren’t ideal, like massive amounts of anger. Overcompensating.  My jaw was so tight, I think I’d been grinding my teeth in the night. The work was really beautiful; there was a presence of masculine energy there for me to access and to integrate, and I also acknowledged that I have some really good guys around me at the moment. I’m looking at the good in these guys, seeing what it is in a man that can be kind and strong.

Once I acknowledged and felt this really gentle, strong, protective male energy move into me (ooh er, I don’t mean like that), I felt a lot more releaxed. I can’t quite remember the order that this all happened in, but when she asked me what a man looked like, what the first image in my mind was, I saw a sort of devil. She asked what he looked like; he was a hybrid of a cartoonish devil combined with an ordinary man. She got me to separate them and describe them, asking me questions about them as we went.

I saw that the ordinary man was vulnerable and quite lost. The devil was not evil, just playful and egotistical. He wanted attention.

As the work continued, she helped me use visualisation to ‘see’ and also feel what a really good man would be like. Interestingly, I couldn’t see a man, I instead thought of a bee. So there’s this bee, but eventually she got me to transform this bee into an ideal of a good man.

“Oh,” I said, “he’s a golden god”

I didn’t think of that line from the movie “Almost Famous” until right now. Ha!

 I was seeing the honey from the bee running into the veins in a man’s body, that he is comprised of light and honey, a network of  sweetness. She then got me to combine this god-ish honey man with the Christ consciousness of the earlier energy. There. Eat that for breakfast. And I saw that it was good.

So. Goddess knows what effect this integration with masculine energy will have on me, but I felt so much better afterwards that I came home and promptly whacked out two lesson plans for my teaching this week.

I intend to get up early tomorrow, gulp back decaf and nurofen, walk up to the ridge, admire the birds, stroke the cat and then go and deliver a kick arse lesson. Actually the lesson might be a bit boring, I’m trying to incorporate useful information (Immigration policies) for my students. On the upside, they now know Abba’s delightful song ‘I have a dream’ almost off by heart! You may call it cheese, but it's a pretty positive little song (one student finds Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles too sad).

I'll do whatever I can to keep my students feeling positive. My eyes hurt. I just watched the rest of the episodes of Breaking Bad, so now I'm up to series 2. Oh my god it's good. I think it was Taitingfong and Werner who kept saying to watch it when I was in Korea, but I was in a 'Project Runway" kind of mode then. Unfortunately the latest batch of Runway didn't quite do it for me. It was like returning to a playground you'd loved as a child to find the slide wasn't half as big as you thought it was. Remember how your mum would say "watch the other children go down the slide first, just in case there are razor blades". No? Guess you weren't a child of the 70's.

Ta ta ducky bums. Love and moo. x