September Celibate.

some random person and dog on a North Shore beach

Yes it's September again. This is the time of year when I think of friends of long ago who have committed suicide. This is the time of year I try to go swimming in the sea and pretend it's summer.

I've now been celibate for what feels like quite a long time. I've definitely grown stronger in my self respect and boundaries. There are other people I know who are trying to figure out what's right in terms of relationships, boundaries and love. I'm getting better at seeing things very clearly and knowing how to choose what's right for me. Men who can't commit are becoming less attractive to me sexually, and I'm really enjoying Internet Dating. I have about 10 men I'm talking to (via the messages on site) regularly, and of those, five get my heart rate going. I've been on two dates, and both men were kind, intelligent and attractive, but not my 'cup of tea'. One of them has still offered for me to come over and use his spa pool whenever I like. Ha ha.

The only thing is fitting it all in. The dating I mean. I do my voluntary teaching in the mornings, and  my part time after school care in the afternoons. I leave the house at 9 and get home at 6 most days. I like having time to do nothing and I'm buggering that up.

So it's dinner Wed with a man from Rotorua, yoga on Thursday, date with a hot guy who looks like a player on Friday, hang out with Ma on Saturday, then coffee on Sunday with a guy who seems to think the sun shines out of my bung hole. Hey. Maybe it does. If you see me and I'm glowing, that's why.

There's also a guy who likes The Feelers and Op Shop, bands I don't have anything against, but I wouldn't be able to go and SEE them. How would that work? Is that a deal breaker? Imagine going on holiday and you're in the car with someone for three hours and they want to listen to The Feelers and Jack Johnson the whole way. I could cope with Jack Johnson for a few songs, but imagine it for an hour or something. Now imagine that person putting up with me playing Tori Amos or The White Stripes. Yeah. It's a deal breaker isn't it? There's one guy in my fine selection of internet men who has very good taste in music. He's one of the 'top picks' on my list right now. He also loves cats, possibly as much as me! He even mentioned cat reflexology ... now that's some deep cat lovin'.

Hey, speaking of music, Morrissey is coming!! Can't. Wait. The more you ignore me, the closer I get ... every day is like sunday ... spring heeled jim ...

Oh in fact I do love the words to Spring Heeled Jim ...

Spring-heeled Jim winks an eye
He'll "do," he'll never be "done to"
He takes on whoever flew through
"Well, it's the normal thing to do"

Spring-heeled Jim lives to love
Now kissing with his mouth full
And his eyes on some other fool
So many women
His head should be spinning
Ah, but no!

Spring-heeled Jim slurs the words:
"There's no need to be so knowing
Take life at five times your average speed, like I do"
Until Jim feels the chill
"Oh, where did all the time go?"
Once always in for the kill
Now it's too cold
And he feels too old

Oh Mowissy, I wuv you!

So Marc ... September and it makes me think of you, of all the daffodils, of riding my bike and crying, of cold swims and your funeral. Playing 'Blue Monday' which worked well, cos you did it on a Monday. Not mad at you, just hoping that people will find ways out of the hole and into a reason to love being alive.

Cos I do. I love it. I love being here.

xxx