There's cloud hanging over the native bush that I look into everyday from inside this little box I live in. Actually, hang isn't the right word. It's more like I am living on the edge of a world about to sink or break off into a nothing sky. Like the 'nothing' in 'Never Ending Story'.
 |
| Taken when the sun decided to come out. |
Sounds Narcissistic? Well, I guess that depends on how you're treating those around you, it will give you a clue as to weather your self love is massively Ego or not. If you're running around trampling people in the name of self love, then it might be time to review the kind of self love one indulges in.
I have always wanted to 'love myself' as we are ALL advised to do. We have heard this so often that it's almost meaningless. It's like 'being yourself'. Sure, it's a lovely sentiment, but truly being there for, and loving, yourself ... well fuck, that's a big call.
I interviewed myself about this sudden change of heart. Why now? What had 'she' done to suddenly 'deserve' this love?
The reply was that it was just a feeling. That there 'she' (Me) was ... helping her mum clean up the courtyard in the pouring rain on Saturday, and I knew I'd been overlooking the person I'd searched for all my life. It's a useful tool, this 'self interview'. I'll call the interviewer aspect 'the Watcher'. The 'me' being interviewed is the part that has not been terribly engaged with my life up till this point. Perhaps it's the male energy that Tracey Burns of Beyond The Veil helped me to integrate. We'll call him Horsey.
Watcher: So, it was a feeling. Tell me about that feeling.
Horsey: Well, it was a thought first. I thought 'that's the kind of person I want to be with. Someone who helps their mum. Someone patient. Someone kind.'
Watcher: And what was it like, compared to falling in love with someone else?
Horsey: It was the same. I was suddenly infatuated and liked everything about her. Even annoying things became cute. I suddenly found the things I wasn't sure about didn't matter.
Watcher: How did you feel about her before?
Horsey: I thought she was really nice. Good to talk to. Funny and kind. But I wasn't in love with her. It was a bit like how people describe a marriage with someone they care for but are no longer in love with. I wouldn't have left her, but I didn't want her with great passion, and I was reluctant to support her dreams. I felt she was a bit behind the eight ball when it came to a career and societies' ideas of success. I liked hanging out with her, but it's not like I was hanging out to be with her.
Watcher: Okay, so what do you think about her being 'behind the eight ball' now?
Horsey: Oh, I know I can help her with that. I'm really excited about supporting her.
You get the idea.
I was feeling pretty high on Sunday. Helped mum do more of the courtyard. It continued to pour with rain and we got heaps done. I went home, got ready, went out on a date with a guy who was great to talk to. Didn't fancy him, but he had a good insight about the Sexy Ex.
I'd told him how we would 'try' not to see each other, and his comment was
'well if you're trying, then you're still attached'.
It was just the added zest I required. The last time I wrote my blog I was so very sure of myself, claiming I'd be keeping my legs crossed ... and then didn't the following day (!).
Fortunately I was on my way to see Tracey Burns at Beyond the Veil, and she helped me tremendously. As I drove to see her I questioned myself about sex with the ex.
I realised that it was the motivation/intention behind the thing, not the thing itself. The point isn't even a moral one. It's this ... that if I am emotionally and spiritually too tied into someone, can I make myself truly available to love someone else? The answer is Yes, but paradoxically, as I fall more deeply in love with me, it's likely that keeping TSE as my lover will not be necessary.
The piece of the puzzle was the dude's comment on Sunday. If I forbid myself, I make it too exciting. It will be what it is. There's no need to put a big red cross on it and call it taboo. That's the sort of thing that leads Japanese business men to buy stained girl's knickers from vending machines. Scratch and sniff.
I do believe I might just have something akin to unconditional love. For myself and for people in my life. Or, I'm getting pretty damn close.
The main issue addressed with Tracey last week was Freedom. What is freedom to you? For me, I imagined running naked on the beach, the sun sinking into the sea. The light was blinding and golden white. I run and run, and I'm a child, and I'm almost flying.
I'm almost flying. I'm already free in so many ways. I rarely mind what others think of me. I usually stand up for myself, I take pleasure in small things. Now I'm ready for bigger things. I need money in order to travel, learn and help others. I'm ready for it. It's on.
No comments:
Post a Comment