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| Hobbity Feet under water on Waiheke
8th March 2013
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A few weeks ago I really hoped that a few lovely emails and texts from The Rooster meant we were working towards a reconciliation. Then he suddenly stopped communicating completely.
If that wasn't enough of a mind fuck, his sudden exit from FaceBum without warning definitely spelled things out. I'm no longer a person he considers when making decisions, not even ones that will hurt me. I can make up all sorts of things about what that means, but that's a recipe for going mental. If I start to label it and 'story it up' then I create too much unnecessary pain. As if pain were a house we inhabit and keeping adding to. An en-suite of grief. A parlour of pain. A drawing room of disbelief. I looked back over photos of us and tried to see something in his eyes. An indication that this person wasn't ready. A clue. A sign. If it was there, then I was blind.
Now on an entirely different note, like me, you may have wondered how you might possibly pay no rent. There are, of course, Homeless Person options. Sometimes I think of what I'd do if I were actually homeless. Stay in a bedding shop until closing, hide and then hop into one of the display beds. Wake up early, hide again, then sneak out. Creep into tennis clubs and use their showers. I have also wondered about docked boats, weather you'd risk trying to get into one to sleep. We don't have a lot of homeless people in New Zealand, but that could start to change. The cost of housing (to rent or buy) is really out of proportion to wages. People who work are struggling, let alone people who are on the welfare system.
Lou and Johhnny went to New York to see Becky over Christmas, and Lou told me that even organic food is affordable in the US of A!
If I want to eat organic food and live in a non shit hole, then I'd have to be earning at least $700 per week. The thing is, if you try to find an affordable non shit hole to reside in, you do have to move quite far outside of the city centre and then the cost of petrol stops you going anywhere. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that this is how it is. I don't get stressed about money issues too much anymore. What's the point? You have it or you don't. The bill might get paid in time, or it won't. One day money comes, the next it goes.
I've also been enjoying clothes and creativity lately. Mix up anything and see what happens. That's my advice. I keep finding amazing things in op shops, and now I really do have more than I need. It's a bit silly. I don't go anywhere that justifies the kind of wardrobe I own. My actual life and the life of my clothes are not in harmony. Perhaps I'll start wearing that red silk blouse to the supermarket.
Anyway, I have also thought about living in a house bus, but man, those things cost a shit load!
Other ideas: after finishing my requirements for Hypnotherapy, I could do a Health qualification that leads to becoming a Gestalt type therapist. I could also suck it up and do an extra year's study to become a primary school teacher. Are there many other women out there like me? Getting 'older' and yet you still feel like you're bobbing around in an ocean of possibilities, wondering how other people manage to be so grown up?
Rest assured, you are not alone!
What if I became a school teacher, lived in a massive house-bus, studied health part time, played my songs in bars, wrote my book, made my own clothes ... oh .... hang on ... getting all ADD on your ass sorry.
What I really want is to get paid for Hypnotherapy, which I am really good at. What I really want is to live in a secure enviroment that I can fit all my pretty things into with ease. What I really want is a boyfriend who means he loves me beyond lust and infatuation. Watch this space babies. Watch this space. xxxx
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