On Monday night (Queen's Birthday), it kicked in. Yes, understanding and honest forgiveness, that old bird!
Suddenly felt inspired to do a bit of research on what happens to an addicted brain.
There are literally massive holes in the brain after long term substance abuse. I felt a bit foolish for not realising that this was the case.
If you care for someone who has recovered or recovering from a serious addiction, then this could be useful to know. Even if they are really intelligent, funny and lovely, they may have an impaired ability to process information. There are fucking Holes. Not shit for brains - just big chunks of it missing or shriveled. A fruit that's been substance-dried.
Calm compassion flooded my body and mind. Knowing that there are plenty of lovely people who have brains resembling a dried sponge clarified my view.
I wouldn't be surprised by inappropriate outbursts from someone with Asperger's Syndrome, and I wouldn't take it personally. Perhaps that wouldn't be the case if I had no idea that they had the syndrome, but with knowledge I am able to respond quite differently to events.
I have a friend who is mildly Aspie and I used to think she was very rude. Once she explained a bit about Asperger's, I started to see the 'rudeness' as being really funny. She also made a massive effort to find out what was appropriate in order not to offend or embarrass people. Eventually she pulled me up on my rude and embarrassing behaviours!
If you know someone has had a long term addiction, then you might need to do a little bit of research or even join a support group. Find out what might be common themes amongst those lucky enough to have survived serious addiction. It's hard core, but if you decide you are strong enough to be there for this person, it's best to know what you're in for. They might not know their own mind, and it might be because so much of it is missing. Recovered addicts are often the most creative, funny, beautiful people you could ever hope to meet. Yes, holes and all. We all have them in one way or another. Some can be examined and healed, and others might just change the landscape of our physical or mental body forever. We work with what we've got, and what we've got left.
So here it is. I feel free. I feel healed. I wish only good things for The Rooster and German Mother. To wish anything less would be to trap myself in a sad story that serves no purpose. I had a lovely relationship with The Rooster. It was romantic and passionate, and I do not regret it at all. A reason, a season, or a lifetime. He was a season, and now the reasons are becoming clear.
I woke up yesterday morning feeling truly content and somewhat Queenly. Sensations of aliveness, of appreciation. Toscat was tucked under my left arm as I lay back and felt the warmth and weight of the blankets on my body. The rain sheeted down. I was in the library and felt like I was in an aquarium.
Since Vipassana Meditation I find it easier to make healthier choices in every way. My body is toned, and I seem to know the difference between hunger, anger, sadness and boredom. Fruit and vegetables are more appealing. I have less pain.
I am also back on internet dating. Yes. I am a resilient one. Last night had a chai latte with a truly lovely guy. Gosh he was nice. I mean really nice. So I enjoyed an hour and a half of incredibly intelligent conversation with a funny, good looking young man with excellent hair and a real job. If there is no more than that, then at least I had that very sweet hour and a half followed by one of the best hugs I've had in a long time.
May you be truly happy! Wishing you peace, deep and lasting.
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