27th May 2013 ... It's now been a week and a day since I got back from Vipassana Meditation.
From what I understand, people find the adjustment back to 'the real world' very challenging anyway.
Coming back to the Rooster's news (see prior blog entry) was intensely devastating as it was so unexpected.
Before I left, he said he would send me a Dragon (a spirit dragon) while I was away.
Dragons are a symbol of protection for him and so I took this to mean something quite loving and special between us.
I felt sick to think that there I was sending him love and looking forward to hugging him, and he was probably already balls deep in The German Mother by day five or six.
I realised yesterday that I needed to reclaim the Dragon for myself, to be free of thinking of the Dragon as belonging to him. I also know a few wonderful and crazy people who are year of the Dragon. My mother is one of them. Dragon people do seem to have a certain something, even in the midst of burning!
My friend Jacqui is an excellent photographer, and last night we headed to Long Bay and she took some pictures. I told her my sad tale and exhausted myself with self pity. She was very loving and patient with me. She honoured my grief process, one that has been unfolding ever since the end of January.
I allowed the power of the symbol of protection to be mine as I slipped into the Dragon dressing gown that was originally meant for him. The satin is smooth and cold on my skin beneath the rising moon and whispering sea. I have lost nothing. The love that was shared was real 'at the time' and not meant to continue.
I felt truly haunted for a time this-morning ... I kept thinking 'he was such a liar, saying he wasn't attracted to her anymore ... and making out like it was so definitely over ... '
Shooting a big load of ' don't wanna fuck you as much as I wanna fuck her' all over my face seemed rather cruel and unnecessary, as if he were getting a big power hard on from being able to 'choose' between us. To say it came down to where he wanted to go sexually ... and then say he was following his heart? Amazing. Surely he could have stated the latter without rubbing my face in it? I suppose rubbing my face in it was supposed to be 'honesty'.
Then I felt compassion flow through my body. Who of us has never hidden truths from ourselves? Who can say they have never lied to themselves (usually unwittingly) or to others? It felt so clear. Here I am judging what he has done 'to me', yet I know I've also deceived myself and sometimes hurt others. The truth of projection, or the mirror was making itself truly known. I am no better than him. I can let go of this terrible rage and the bitterness that lies in it's wake.
I picked up a red heart shaped candle The Rooster bought for me when we were together. As I lit it, I said "I feel compassion for you and K. I allow my pain to burn away. I want to let go and forgive. I let go and allow compassion to flow."
I felt free of the bitching and self pitying voice that nagged me. I felt that I was claiming the Dragon for myself and the wound was now healing. I had been treated unkindly by The Rooster at the end of January, but I kept my faith in 'Love' alive. I kept on believing he would wake up, never suspecting that he would distract himself and awaken in the arms of German Mother.
My own mother looked at me the other day and said "darling, can't you see that he's just a dick?" The Rooster. A cock. Cock a doodle doo.
And so here's to letting go. I keep meditating morning and night. I'm feeling creative and energy is flowing back into my whole body.
Since Vipassana I prefer not to eat meat, I'm strong in the core of my body from all the sitting up straight and meditating, and I'm finding it easier to read people and situations. I'm feeling compassion for myself and for anyone who feels devalued or heartbroken. I also feel even more compassion for those who devalue others, those who lie to your face while holding you close. How on earth can they stand to be around themselves? It must be really painful.
The trinity is a nice metaphor for the human experience. I felt it when I was meditating on the course: 'the son' is our physical experience on earth, the 'holy spirit' is our awakening and paying attention, learning to love beyond self gratification, and 'The Father' symbolises the source that we are all a part of. Dogma ends up warping these kind of simple truths.
So. Life. On it goes. Sensations abound. I shall continue to attune to compassion. To be bitter is of no use at all, so I will keep on meditating, masturbatin', singing, dancing and laughing. I shall find more spaciousness as I meditate. I have found that heaven really does lie within.
 |
| Full Moon at Long Bay, North Shore, Auckland, NZ. |
Coming back to the Rooster's news (see prior blog entry) was intensely devastating as it was so unexpected.
Before I left, he said he would send me a Dragon (a spirit dragon) while I was away.
Dragons are a symbol of protection for him and so I took this to mean something quite loving and special between us.
I felt sick to think that there I was sending him love and looking forward to hugging him, and he was probably already balls deep in The German Mother by day five or six.
I realised yesterday that I needed to reclaim the Dragon for myself, to be free of thinking of the Dragon as belonging to him. I also know a few wonderful and crazy people who are year of the Dragon. My mother is one of them. Dragon people do seem to have a certain something, even in the midst of burning!
My friend Jacqui is an excellent photographer, and last night we headed to Long Bay and she took some pictures. I told her my sad tale and exhausted myself with self pity. She was very loving and patient with me. She honoured my grief process, one that has been unfolding ever since the end of January.
I allowed the power of the symbol of protection to be mine as I slipped into the Dragon dressing gown that was originally meant for him. The satin is smooth and cold on my skin beneath the rising moon and whispering sea. I have lost nothing. The love that was shared was real 'at the time' and not meant to continue.
 |
| Reclaiming the Dragon. |
Shooting a big load of ' don't wanna fuck you as much as I wanna fuck her' all over my face seemed rather cruel and unnecessary, as if he were getting a big power hard on from being able to 'choose' between us. To say it came down to where he wanted to go sexually ... and then say he was following his heart? Amazing. Surely he could have stated the latter without rubbing my face in it? I suppose rubbing my face in it was supposed to be 'honesty'.
Then I felt compassion flow through my body. Who of us has never hidden truths from ourselves? Who can say they have never lied to themselves (usually unwittingly) or to others? It felt so clear. Here I am judging what he has done 'to me', yet I know I've also deceived myself and sometimes hurt others. The truth of projection, or the mirror was making itself truly known. I am no better than him. I can let go of this terrible rage and the bitterness that lies in it's wake.
I picked up a red heart shaped candle The Rooster bought for me when we were together. As I lit it, I said "I feel compassion for you and K. I allow my pain to burn away. I want to let go and forgive. I let go and allow compassion to flow."
My own mother looked at me the other day and said "darling, can't you see that he's just a dick?" The Rooster. A cock. Cock a doodle doo.
And so here's to letting go. I keep meditating morning and night. I'm feeling creative and energy is flowing back into my whole body.
Since Vipassana I prefer not to eat meat, I'm strong in the core of my body from all the sitting up straight and meditating, and I'm finding it easier to read people and situations. I'm feeling compassion for myself and for anyone who feels devalued or heartbroken. I also feel even more compassion for those who devalue others, those who lie to your face while holding you close. How on earth can they stand to be around themselves? It must be really painful.
The trinity is a nice metaphor for the human experience. I felt it when I was meditating on the course: 'the son' is our physical experience on earth, the 'holy spirit' is our awakening and paying attention, learning to love beyond self gratification, and 'The Father' symbolises the source that we are all a part of. Dogma ends up warping these kind of simple truths.
So. Life. On it goes. Sensations abound. I shall continue to attune to compassion. To be bitter is of no use at all, so I will keep on meditating, masturbatin', singing, dancing and laughing. I shall find more spaciousness as I meditate. I have found that heaven really does lie within.
 |
| Protection granted. Moving on. |
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