It's been a month now since The Rooster and I have seen or spoken to each other. I have missed him and did all that I could think of to communicate my thoughts and needs clearly, and I'm sure he felt he was doing the same. Now we've reached the point where we just have to agree that we want to communicate with kindness and end on a good note (musical pun intended). Since we can't agree on some values based ideas (which is fine, it's one of those negotiations everyone has to work out as they get to know each other) we truly might end up better as friends. I don't really want to be friends too quickly, not when I'm attracted to someone, but it can eventually work when enough time has passed and a new platonic intention has been set by both parties.
I have really enjoyed the romance and friendship we had for four months though! It was truly lovely.
What's incredible is that all this Eckhart Tolle stuff about being in the Now is really showing up for me. It's no longer an idea. I feel that sense of presence and peace even if I'm crying on the surface, even if pain rises up in my heart or ridiculous ideas spin in my head. I'm able to notice it faster than I used to. In the past a heart break would normally see me crying every day, awake in the small hours wishing the man would fulfill some kind of rom com fantasy. I would put on songs in the car and really indulge in my pain, sort of 'enjoying' it if that makes sense. It does make sense if you look at the culture we live in. Indulgence in surface pleasures and pain abound.
I used to be afraid that if I accessed a deep inner peace that I might become drone or Spock-like. It's not like that at all. I'm still me. I'm still intense and probably in my head way too much, but as I notice it, I'm able to allow destructive emotions to pass through me much faster than I used to.
You know how a child falls over and for a few seconds they don't know what's happened yet? They ly there and it takes a moment before thought and analysis kick in?
"What happened?"
Usually a parent or caregiver will do one of two things - too much sympathy or too little.
My step grandad was the type who'd say "hey, is the concrete okay?" with a completely straight face (only it wasn't straight because he had a massive stroke when he was 9 years old).
Mum was sympathetic from what I can remember, making the right cooing noises and giving affection.
When I care for children and they get hurt, I rub my hands together like Mr Miyagi in The Karate Kid.
I tell them I'm getting my healing ready for them (after checking the severity of injury of course). This usually surprises them and they look at me with wide eyes. You carefully place your hands just over the affected area and send in love. You tell them that's what you're doing. As you do it you ask them to breathe deeply and to let the love go in. They do. You say "does that feel better?" and they say "yes" and are immediately over it and ready to play again.
I feel a bit like that with emotional and mental pain now. I fall over. I stop. I check. I don't have to send love in, because all I need to do is locate it where it already resides. Found it. Breathe. I'm in.
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